|Reviews for The Demon Hunter's Offer|
| Corvus Curze chapter 1 . 7/13/2012
Now, I'd previously written out a lengthy review, but it seems my account logged out at some point as I was writing. Therefore I've shortened this down a bit for the sanity of both of us.
Please note this is my personal opinion. Also note that I don't mean to hurt anyones feelings and that I would hate to discourage anyone from writing their stories, just as I would hate to be discouraged from writing mine.
1. Try to integrate the information about the ranks into some dialogue between the two.
2. I think it would be better if you cut off chapter one when Lamia takes hold of the crossbow. Figuring out how to end a chapter well can be tricky, and since you've already been given one, you should use it.
3. Maybe you'd like to use some POV (point of view) characters for this? It's an idea for future chapters. Having each chapter from the perspective of a different character could help with their growth. Aella looking for and finding Lamia could comprise her point of view, then you could have chapter two switch to Lamia's perspective, then you could switch back to Aella, or even introduce another character. You should leave your mind open to different posibilities at all times.
4. I don't like the use of the word Typhoon. It remind me too much of the word tycoon. Maybe you could use the word Solitaire instead? One of the meanins of Solitaire is a diamond in a setting of it's own. Considering this particular Demon Hunter's reputation the use of the word Solitaire would be fitting.
5. Don't be afraid to deviate slightly from the game material. Having a cookie cutter character wouldn't be very fun, especially since not that much is known about Aella from the trailer. However, one thing I noted in the trailer is that she doesn't seem particularly talkative, or one to engage in meaningless banter. This is of course my opinion, and you can feel free to ignore if you want. If you go along with this idea of her not being talkative (I'm not dictating this, by the way) then you would want to make sure that any dialogue between them was of some importance. Finally, make sure to keep things consistent with their characters (not that you've been inconsistent here) If they have phobia of something, don't let that phobia suddenly disappear.
Other than reading over it and correcting some minor spelling and grammar, which everyone makes (don't kid yourselves, we all make spelling mistakes.) I can't think of anything else to say.
Oh, and I am "guest" I figured I ought to create an account so things would be easier. I swear on my life I'm not some randomer trying to pull your leg.
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/13/2012
That was enjoyable to read. Few things of note:
1. You don't have to stay close to the original trailer. You will have to change certain things in order for them to be less like a game and make it seem more real. For example, the hand crossbows appear to only fire a single bolt at a time, but she clearly fires them off in rapid succession. Change the description of the crossbows to match this rapid-fire ability.
2. I'd suggest integrating the description of the ranks into dialogue between the two to make it flow better. Also, I (personally) don't like the use of the term Typhoon for the head demon hunter. Reminds me too much of the word tycoon, which is unrelated to demon hunters. I'd suggest using the word solitaire instead. A solitaire can be used to describe a diamond in a setting of it's own, which suggests him being in a league of his own. Also, in Eldar lore the Solitaire is the harlequin responsible for representing Slaanesh in any plays they perform. As you can see the solitaire is also of importance there.
3. In future chapters include some uses of melee in the fights (you don't have to do it now)
Having melee in later fights makes sense becuase they might not always be able to attack from range, or they might run out of bolts and need another weapon. I'm also fairly certain a sword can rend demon flesh just as well ;)
4. A suggestion; perhaps you could place the part of her saving Lamia as the prologue, and then have the rest set into chapters? The part where Lamia takes hold of the crossbow seems like a good cutting-off point for the prologue/chapter. If (I don't want to dictate here) you decide to make it into a prologue and have the rest of this as the first chapter etc. you might decide to have something to break it apart a little. Maybe you could have the prologue with Aella saving Lamia, and then have the first chapter flash back briefly into Aella's past and then proceed with the rest of what you have written here.
5. POV-point of view. The reason I'm suggesting this is becuase it could allow for us to see through the eyes of more than one character. If you can read some of George R.R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire books. He makes use of POV characters to tell the story, all of which is really well done.
There's not much else to say other than to run over it and correct some of the spelling and grammar, and revising one or two bits as your preference dictates.
Ah, yes, and this is "guest". I figured I should make myself an account to make things easier when reviewing this and other works. Like I said before, I hope I was not too harsh in what I was saying. I don't want to discourage anyone from writing their stories, just as I myself would not want to be discouraged from writing mine.
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/7/2012
I thought the base idea was really good. I too loved the Demon Hunter trailer. A few things though.
"We're going to die here...aren't we?" "No, as long as I'm here they are the prey."
Take a new line for each person talking. Like this:
"We're going to die here...aren't we?"
"No, as long as I'm here they are the prey."
Now, this may just be personal taste, but I didn't really like the way you gave us information right after she saved Lamia. It seemed a little rushed and too much of an information dump. The chances of Lamia wanting to hold a conversation seem a little slim (she's just been attacked by a horde of demons.) If you want to have some backstory built in, you want it to happen over a period of time. Aella could maybe give small pieces of information to Lamia as they make their way back to town. The chances are Lamia will still be highly strung, jumping at every sound. Described them as making their way back in silence at first, and THEN have Lamia slowly begin to ask questions. I hope that didn't sound to harsh, but it's just something that was niggling at me.
Also, the base of the story was good, but you want to look it over and revise it some (as should anyone who is writing a story. I don't think anybody has ever written something and never changed it afterwards)
I took a little bit of your passage and redid it to show what I mean. You don't want to get into the zone of describing every single detail down to the bug crawling over Aella's boot, but you also want that little bit extra help for your reader in visualising everything.
Aella had only just arrived in town and had decided to visit the tavern and try to find out any news in the surrounding area. She was taken off guard when she walked in to see the inn turned into a ramshackle infirmary; all the beds in the nearby rooms were beings used, and tables had been converted into crude resting places and operating tables for those unfortunate enough not to have found a better place. Priestesses and nurses and volunteers milled around these wounded, doing their best to relieve their suffering. Aella’s brows knitted together. What’s happened here? She wondered. She decided the innkeeper would be the best person to know and headed to the bar, dodging and sidestepping and hopping her way through the gauntlet of people.
"Innkeeper, what’s going on here?”
“Undead attack, guard’s drove them off but these lot got hurt in the process” the innkeeper didn’t look up at her, having far more interest in the tankard he was cleaning.”
“Has there been any demonic activity nearby?”
“Why’d you want to know?”
“I would kill them”
The Innkeeper sorted scornfully “You mad? Lass, you wouldn’t-” He finally raised his head and then stopped in his tracks. Aella looked back at him with unnatural yellow eyes. She crossed her arms, her armour clinking at the movement, and rolled her shoulders so he could see the crossbows hanging at her waist.
"Oh” the innkeeper said in surprise, clearing his throat noisily “My apologies, Miss. Yes, a small fishing village just south of here was just raided a few hours ago. Because of the Undead attack we don't have enough guards to go check for survivors.” Aella nodded her thanks to him and turned on her heel, determined to reach the village before dusk.
Aella strode quickly across the open plains, which slowly turned to dense forests. The village was an unpleasant sight. Corpses were strewn everywhere and raven’s circled overhead. What bothered her most of all was the spell circle painted in the blood of the unfortunate victims. She knelt beside one of the corpses and pulled free a Demon's Fang. The image of a roaring demon missing a tooth flashed across her vision. As she scanned the area her eyes latched onto a trail of bloody footprints leading away to her right.
She clenched her hand shut, the tooth cocooned in her palm. She set fire to the circle, not stopping to see the bodies consumed by the fire, and set off at a jog. Time was of the essence.
In time the trail of footprints began to fade and she had to examine the nearby landscape to follow the survivor. When at last she saw the fire burning up ahead, with a single lone figure hunched in front of it, she knew she’d found the survivor.
Aella glanced around as she approached, aware of her surroundings and sensing the demons that encircled the clearing, most likely waiting for the survivor to go to sleep as to get an easy meal. As she approached the survivor, who she realised now was a young girl of no more than sixteen winters, held up a shaking hand
"Don't come any closer." Her voice was firm but was filled with terror.
Aella obligingly took several steps back and dropped slowly to a crouch
"You probably ran until you couldn't take another step." Her voice was silky and smooth like honey.
She stared at the girl with her piercing yellow eyes. "I remember that feeling." She added quietly, mounting the demon fang she’d been holding onto a wooden shaft.
Roars and screeches echoed around them and the terrified girl replied "I had…no choice"
Aella looked back at the girl, her gaze firm, almost angry.
“You always have a choice."
For when they're emphasising a word, you should put it in either bold or italic so that we no they are placing greater strength/conviction etc. into the word.
I hope this isnt too harsh for you. I really don't want to hurt your feelings or make you stop writing. I've still plenty to learn about writing. I'm sure there are people out there who would look at what I've written and be able to point out stuff I'd never notice ("too many adjectives" is something I wouldn't be able to spot, and I think it's a bit nit-picky anyway)
| Sethyl chapter 1 . 7/6/2012
Not bad. It could use some commas here and there and some of the grammar was a little off, but other than that it was pretty good. Interested to see what happens next.