|Reviews for Under Cerulean Skies|
| Mr H chapter 4 . 11/7/2013
Again, Karsh being mischievous is funny. And Zoah pretending to study (holding a book upside down) is also funny!
I like Guile being a bit protective towards Steena. Though when he teases Zoah, I feel that it's a bit sudden. Maybe adding a bit what Guile is thinking upon seeing Steena being angry may help... Not sure about this though, because I'm not very experienced in writing/analyzing Guile...
Fargo remembering the past? That's interesting! I've always wondered about his relationship with Zelbess in the game.
Hmm, I don't think it's Kid who's behind all these. I suspect that it's that jester from ch 2 who's behind everything. Btw, Kid's characterization is great! That's very herself I say!
Um, the last chapter? I really hope that you'll be updating soon! Sorry if there's something wrong in my review (too short or wrong information).
I'll stay tuned!
| Mr H chapter 3 . 11/7/2013
I guess I forgot to type my name in the name box (or whatever its name is) when I reviewed the previous chapter...
I giggle as I read this chapter. Guile is really that menacing in poker lol! And the excuses! I'm laughing really hard when everybody escapes! And the ending is just as funny! Poor, poor Norris (well, being happy to fast is never good)!
| Guest chapter 2 . 11/7/2013
More characters are introduced... Lol, Pierre! He shouldn't have messed around with Kid lol (and it's very in character for Kid and Pierre)! This part is awesome!
Oh, and till the end, Kid's audacity still has my attention because it's well-represented here!
Draggy appears? Ah, yeah, adorable, especially how people will get along with him. :) Though there's one odd thing: I think I remember that Draggy weighs over a hundred kg despite his size (and I don't think Serge can carry him). I may be wrong, but just my thought.
But I believe that Glenn makes a good master to Draggy!
Guile's character is more okay here, though I think...he's less likely to show his reaction upon seeing Draggy... Maybe if he just smiles, it's more himself... Not very sure about this though. I like how sweet of him, following Steena all the time. :)
Mystery of Zelbess... Interesting! Yep, it's really mysterious, and no wonder why Irenes is shocked when she finds that pendant... If I were her, I would be surprised too.
| Mr H chapter 1 . 11/7/2013
Just a quick note: English isn't my primary language, so I'll mainly talk about the characters and plot. Oh, and Guile x Steena (not Sheena btw?) is my OTP.
Um, maybe not much has happened in this chapter, but some of the characterizations are pretty great already. Karsh is really that...uh, the way he talks is just very himself. And thumbs up for Kid's audacity, because that's the Kid we know! XD
The only thing that is weird is Guile's characterization. Dunno, but I think...he's usually more of a timid loner or such?
That aside, it's fun to see how the characters from a fantasy game becoming students lol! I'll read on!
| DarkHorse26 chapter 4 . 8/7/2013
Hello again! At last I catch up with everything!
Sun was setting beyond the horizon, the big red ball of flame igniting the sky with shades of purple, orange and pink. - Wonderful descriptions. :) I can clearly picture this!
With the descriptions of the setting, I feel that it's very fitting for the serene atmosphere between Serge and Leena.
Kid appears, and Leena isn't happy with this. Her reactions show her jealousy, really!
She was fast and agile like a panther. - Perfect description for Kid.
I guess Irenes is too fast on pointing fingers, but it's because she wants to know more about Zelbess. I don't think it's Kid who steals the pendant. I suspect that it's that 'mysterious girl' from chapter 2 trying to frame Kid. Just my guess though.
The dark night sky sparkled with thousands of stars(;) they spread into the vastness of space like shrouds of diamond dust. - Beautiful descriptions! I'd suggest a semi-colon there.
Now with this setting, it is very fitting to the moments between Nikki and Miki. And a lot of the descriptions later on are very fitting.
Haha, Karsh is just as snarky. Plus, the way he speaks in Irenes' accents is hilarious because it is very different (later on)!
Poor Irenes getting her accent mocked.
It was something that she had inherited(;) it was a part of her. - Just what I'm thinking about the accent; this sentence makes me feel for Irenes. I'd suggest a semi-colon here too.
He should have known better than to make fun of his classmates... and that he was holding his book upside down. - Lol, a great pretender!
Fargo doesn't really like the class' situation. Aw, he seems to miss Zelbess a lot...
He could vividly remember her beautiful blue geisha-like hair, her long slender figure, her soft melodious voice, her sweet and salty scent. - This has described Zelbess' looks clearly, in addition to Fargo's feelings right now! :) I love this.
Again, Leena's reaction shows that she's really burning up! I lol throughout reading her tantrums!
Guile's speech seems a bit off (only a little bit), but seems like Guile Mustang has suggested the correction. :) Suggestions at the back as always!
Grobyc just remains as emotionless as always... Maybe because he's a robot...
Irenes seems to be sure about Kid being a thief, which I think is not the time yet.
The flashback about Fargo and Zelbess is touching. Perhaps she is just missing after the storm. Or maybe she's gone... Well, I guess I'll have to stay tuned, eh?
Their foliage filtered green light(,) creating a mythical atmosphere. The forest stood majestically still yet full of life. Insects of all colors and shapes flew around in circles, playing with one another. Birds squawked high up in the tree tops(;) frogs croaked at their feet(;) lizards hissed as they crawled up stalks of plants. A brook hummed somewhere not far away. - Excellent description about the forest! I can like, see it. For the punctuations (I'm not quite the expert, but know a bit), I'd suggest thus because sometimes they are a bit like run-on sentences.
The setting fits the tranquil atmosphere between Serge and Kid. I pity Kid for being pointed as a thief just because she's part of the Radical Dreamers and looks like a thief. Serge's trust on her is kinda sweet, really.
It appears that sometimes it is hard to portray Guile accurately without using a 3rd person limited POV or a 1st person POV.
Guile glanced at her, saw the anger on her face and said calmly: "Perhaps she should poke fun at your helmet, Zoah?"
I'd suggest elaborating it a little so his characterization is more vivid (and picking up Guile's affection towards Steena in my review to chapter 1). My suggestion:
Guile noticed the anger on Steena's face. That kind of sight had always saddened him. He could perhaps, perform a few magic tricks to cheer her up, but she did not seem to show any interest in his sleight of hand anymore. He could comfort her with some kind words, but doing so would bring up a gossip that he cared for Steena, which would make his life uncomfortable forever. Then what to do to comfort her without spawning such troubles?
A joke. This was what in Guile's mind right now. He knew that he was not very good at joking, but he would give it a try, in hopes that it could lighten Steena's mood... At least, it was the safest option for now.
"Perhaps she should poke fun at your helmet, Zoah?" he asked calmly.
I guess I have to be patient until the next update... ;) Checking your author's note, you're planning to involve Guile more? Well, I'd like that too! XD See you next time then!
| DarkHorse26 chapter 3 . 8/7/2013
Hello again! Maybe my review for this chapter will be shorter, because it is also short...
Hahahaha, this chapter is fun to read, and hilarious.
Korcha literally makes me lol. Nobody wants him, or something like that lol!
Norris seems to use calculation, and he tries to be as calm and cool as possible! Get a feeling that he is somewhat arrogant... Oh, correction!
"I won't waste my time trying to explain it to you because you wouldn't understand such complex math." - Norris is really arrogant! XD
Fargo is referring to that magnet system... XD
"A victory in a card game is nothing compared to a victory on a battlefield." - Glenn tries to console himself, which is just fitting!
And Guile comes... A note to self: never challenge a magician in a poker... Just my random ramblings anyway.
Lol for all the excuses! I especially like Karsh's one, and the ending line of his is hilarious.
LOL for Norris! He kept losing until he lost everything. That's just epic!
Guile's speech is a bit off, but I see that Legendary Biologist has given suggestions to fix the speech in her review...
I guess there's one more chapter to go... :)
| DarkHorse26 chapter 2 . 8/7/2013
Kid, as stubborn as ever, will not stop... Well, at least until she sees Serge. :) She just speaks that loud lol! The reason why I love her in the game is because of her personality as a tough girl. XD
"If the dog won't bark, maybe ya should?" - Hahaha, I adore this line! Just perfect for Kid!
Norris just stays cool, which is just fitting for his character. But he seems very annoyed later on, lol!
Lol for Pierre! He's just that hilarious, and meddlesome (no wonder why the name of his level 3 tech is a pun for the word 'meddlesome'), and in character. And Kid remains just as brash as always. She literally scared off Pierre!
Ah, I can imagine girls swarming Nikki. No wonder; he just looks cool with the guitar!
Luccia seems to be busy with her experiments...
He tried to wave a hello to her, but she was too entrenched in her work to notice. - Just a perfect description!
I can guess who gives that present. Appearing and disappearing with a puff of smoke, saying 'mon amour', she is, perhaps a jester with the initial 'H'. XD
Janice is just that hyper! Bouncing, waving her hands, so in character!
Leena's dog Poshul was enough(;) he didn't want another huge creature drooling all over him and hogging up his bed(,) not to mention humping his leg in inconvenient or embarrassing situations and eating his sandwiches if he didn't guard them closely. - Just perfect for Serge's thoughts. :) It was a bit like a run-on sentences, so I'd suggest a comma and a semicolon.
Leena would've killed him had she seen that. - Hahahaha! Good line! I can imagine that Serge must be quite afraid of what will happen next.
Grobyc is just that cold. Maybe because he's just a robot, he just doesn't have emotions like anyone else...
As always, my suggestion about Guile will be on the back (although this one is shorter). :)
Janice bounced away, chirping as she went. - Just perfect for Janice.
The hallway was almost empty as they began towards their next class, trotting in a hurry. - I can imagine. Being late to class will not be fun at all! :)
Lovely description about the dorm room.
The furnishings were simple and mostly made of bamboo, some of them had crude cravings on them about who had been there on a specific year and who two would be heart 4-ever. - I can picture things clearly in my mind. Very well done here!
Wow, I love the descriptions about the pendant. Aside from being clear, it is beautiful.
As always, my suggestion for Guile is, yes, I think he may have soft spot on cute things, but I don't think if he speaks about the cute things is fitting.
"Quite an amazing trick I must say," Guile ascertained as he fixed hishis mask, scrutinizing Draggy who stared right back at him. - Feels like Guile's speech is 'coming out of the blue'.
My suggestion (feel free to ignore this if you come up with a better idea):
Fixing the position of his mask with a hand, Guile looked at Draggy and smiled.
Wondering what will this lead to... The 'Zelbess forever' catches my interest... Interesting!
I'll read on, and continue reviewing! :)
| DarkHorse26 chapter 1 . 8/7/2013
Hey there! Just wandering around the archive, and find out that this is an interesting idea. I'll be reviewing per chapter.
Powerful first sentence. It immediately grabs my attention.
I love the description of the campus. I can almost picture them clearly in my mind.
Students just like him swarmed in front of the entrance, all waiting to be admitted or returning to school from summer vacation. - I can imagine how it looks like. :)
She would've smacked him silly had he confronted her about her jealousy. - Lol, this gives me the idea how Leena will be in the story.
Norris looks erudite I see. And Karsh, as snarky as ever (or maybe more here), picks on him lol! Pierre? He always has me lol throughout the game, and 'narcissist' is a perfect word for him!
Perfect description for Orlha. She is a tough girl, but looks really attractive. Again, great description and characterization for her.
She had shown him the stars a few times before, if you catch my drift. - Orlha's kung fu can even devastate Karsh, seriously! XD Just perfect for Orlha!
As for Guile, I'll elaborate near the end of my review, because I can get very chatty... XD
The description for Steena is pretty accurate. I can imagine how much she has changed!
Again, marvelous descriptions. I love, love, love the descriptions about the hallways of the school. Beautifully written!
Ah, Irenes. She is beautiful (again, great descriptions). Interesting relationship between her and Fargo.
Kid! As brash and audacious as ever, her characterization is wonderful!
She wore nothing but a skimpy red top with an even skimpier red dress and her long blonde hair was on a ponytail. - Perfect description for Kid's appearance.
Hahaha, Fargo tries to be strict, while Kid just behaves as rudely as usual.
Guile is tad OOC here. He is a lone wolf, and I don't think he is eager to show his magic tricks to a few girls unless they ask him to do so beforehand. He is more a shy type, and he may be somewhat stubborn. If this is a Guile x Steena, I think he will back off and apologize instead. He is some sort of loyal figure IMHO. His speech is fine though.
"Allow me to show you a magic trick", Guile talked to a few girls by the door, holding a deck of cards. Sheena was also with him, the two had spent a lot of time together during summer. Of course, Sheena had been away long periods of time because of her studies to become a shaman but Guile had always waited for her and after her exhausting trips he had cheered her up with his magic tricks.
"I'm really not interested", Sheena replied, her style had significally changed during summer. She had become more mature and obtained some of the symbols given to the shaman students, she had an elaborate hair bun and longer violet robes of silk. She had also become more serious, probably because her studies demanded so much of her attention.
"Amuse me", Guile insisted, waving the cards in front of her face. "Pick any one you like but don't let me see it." Serge flashed him a smile, he noticed it and nodded as a greeting. He still dressed as flamboyantly as before, true to his magician self.
Suggestion (feel free to ignore this if you come up with a better idea):
Guile was standing with a few girls by the door. He was still dressed as flamboyantly as before: a white coat with floppy sleeves and a pair of white trousers. The golden mask was still on his face, and his hair was still long and braided.
Shuffling the deck of cards with both of his hands, he said, "I shall show you a magic trick as promised."
Steena, who was standing beside him, replied, "I'm not really interested..." Her style had significantly changed during summer. She had become more mature and obtained some of the symbols given to the shaman students; she had an elaborate hair bun and longer violet robes of silk. She had also become more serious, probably because her studies demanded so much of her attention.
"My apologies, Steena," Guile said, as he stopped shuffling the deck of cards. He and Steena had spent a lot of time together during summer, and developed affection on her. When she was away for her studies to be a shaman, he waited faithfully for her until she returned. Since the day of her return though, her face often remained somber and serious. Seeing her being like this hardly ever brought comfort to him, and often, he tried to cheer her up with a few magic tricks.
"Sir?" the girls called out to Guile. "Are you going to show us the magic trick then?"
"Yes..." Guile replied reluctantly. He could never bring himself to break a promise.
From afar, Serge flashed him a smile. Noticing it, he nodded as a greeting.
Um, I'm quite a review creeper, but I see that Legendary Biologist has offered her help on Guile's characterization. :) That's good news then, because her characterization of Guile, whether Magus-ish or not, is accurate (and the witty retorts)! I'll still be helping for the next few chapters too.
I'm not sure about this, but I think commas are put before the other end of the quotation marks?
Other than that, I truly enjoyed everything! :) I'll be reviewing the next chapters soon!
| Guile Mustang chapter 4 . 7/16/2013
I read everything in a go, and guess what? I'm interested with where this will go! Packing everything in one review (hopefully things aren't terribly chaotic)...
Your description is great, especially the visual. I like the way you describe the setting, especially the dorm. I can almost imagine it! The description of the pendant is also very well-written. I also love the description for hearing such as kettle whistling, chairs screeching, etc...
Heheh, things are quite funny! Well, well, Kid is always that brash and audacious (even Fargo would rather turn away)! But I pity her. Just because she looks like a thief, people put the blame on her. Wow, Leena is like, extremely heated! Haha, this is interesting! XD And Pierre is just hilarious and meddlesome! His French accent is well done, and his 'graceful' behavior as well. Hmm, Irenes' pendant is mysterious, wonder where this will lead to...
Guile x Steena (it's not Sheena btw)? Interesting idea. They're both so silent, and I guess they'll make an interesting couple. Though maybe, I have a couple of tips...
Guile's speech is fine (actually, his formal dialect is very difficult to write, I admit), though I have some suggestions:
"Is he really that deficient?" - "He is that deficient, is he not?" or "Is he truly that deficient?"
"He already has a woman of such unmatched beauty, is there any reason for this?" - "He has had a woman of such unmatched beauty. Is there any reason for this?"
Maybe because I'm just too focused on researching Guile's characterization, so I become tad talkative about him lol! XD
Looking forward to reading the next chapter! :)
| Anonymous chapter 4 . 6/11/2013
Yay for the update! Pierre is always funny, and like the little bits about Guile knowing French. Guile is going to be involved more? I'll definitely come back and review again. See ya! :)
| Legendary Biologist chapter 4 . 6/2/2013
Glad to see an update! I like the description about the sky! It's beautifully written, and it fits to the serene atmosphere such as the moment between Serge and Leena, along with Nikki and Miki. Anyway, it's getting more interesting seeing Irenes' back story getting explored. Poor Kid, just because she's like a thief, everybody thinks that she's really a thief. The banter between characters is funny, especially when Guile tries to poke the fun out of Zoah. Guile's speech is well-written here: calm, polite, and just fits to his character. Also, the addition about him knowing French is a nice touch, depicting him as an intelligent person. I read your author notes, and if you're planning to involve Guile more, I can help you in his characterization if you'd like (just PM me if you want). :) Update soon!
| Legendary Biologist chapter 3 . 12/3/2012
Hey there! Glad to see that you've updated! Well, this chapter is amusing... I think that the betting is a bit exaggerating lol! Ha, I guess that Fargo is referring to the magnet and casino on Zelbess. Good to know that Guile did appear in the end. The excuses are funny (and true, because in reality, people are always like that, Zoah's excuse is the funniest), and I pity Norris, especially. :)
Other than some minor typos in punctuations (commas and semicolons) and articles (some missing 'a' and 'the'), which you can spot with a reread, I do think that Guile's dialect is not as formal as in the game. This is just my opinion, but I think that you can strengthen his 'voice' and/or characterization in his speech.
"I didn't know we were playing poker... Can I join?" - I'd suggest: "Never had I thought that you were playing poker... Would you mind if I joined?"
"Now then, let's play" - I'd suggest: "Now then, let us start, shall we?"
Anyway, I truly enjoyed this chapter, which does mean that you have to update soon! See you later! :)
| Anonymous chapter 3 . 12/2/2012
Hahaha, this chapter had me lol'd! Good to see that Guile is no longer OOC! Write more! :D
| Anonymous chapter 2 . 11/12/2012
Heheh, that meddlesome Pierre! Kid's reaction is funny too. XD Nicely written with a touch of humor and surprises btw. On a minor note, Guile seemed tobe rather OOC. He is more reserved and calm in the canon. And it is Steena, not Sheena. Anyway, UPDATE! I'll gladly R&R, especially if you give Guile more roles (I'm a Guile fan!).
| Guest chapter 1 . 9/28/2012
I like it very much! Looking forward to more chapters...