|Reviews for And This is How a Heart Breaks|
| mimic shalle chapter 4 . 10/22/2012
Would give you a signed review, but there's something funky going on with my internet provider that prevents me from loading the log in page :/
Some quick points:
1. David is not a royal, we've talked about this. oTL
2. David is now a duke, if he ain't then Athlum is still under Celepaleis. oTL
Okay done with the quick points next is word choice. Emmy said: "You passed out earlier," Earlier expired when a couple of hours passed like, for example, afternoon and then waking up for dinner time. Since David passed out yesterday afternoon it would be more appropriate to say that he passed out yesterday.
I'm getting warped by my self imposed image of David, but humor me. There's always a certain degree of hazard when it comes to people like David, more so since he's a political leader and not an earl, baron or count or knight or whatever else rank that falls beneath his current social standing. He doesn't need to do anything to be a target really, it could be that his death would cause some disturbance or something a little more significant like political unrest. Then again, I doubt you'd be touching that subject since the vibe I feel from this piece is mostly regarding romance. Though subplots would be nice if you successfully weave them in the story.
Btw, concerning the headaches, I think David would have approached Pagus with this and he should have something substantial that would placate his worry that he's not suffering from some unknown brain disease.
Fia should also be sending her love or some sort of note expressing her worry over her beau's welfare. I don't exactly have a clue on how your postal system works, but it's been rather quiet at her end (some girlfriend she is really). Though, I find it odd that she's uncharacteristically busy. If anything she should not worry about anything regarding the business of the state, instead she should be worrying about her embroidery, clothes, hair, or anything that girls do during medieval to renaissance, really. You won't really marry off your heir you know, just saying. Fia would be, at most, the second child, or if not she should have brother.
Uhm, I know this is you headcannon!Dave, but David can't have soft hands. Can't. This is not because of preference, I assure you... though I'd be lying if I didn't say that I prefer a David with battle worn hands. Anyway! The reason why he can't have soft hands is because he's been training as a warrior, his proficiency in handling his blades tells as much and said proficiency would not develop unless he trained and practice for a considerable amount of time. This of course will make his hands rough and hard. He'd develop callouses over time. If his hands are soft as you put it, he'll break his skin and would be getting blisters whenever he uses a sword which would be problematic for obvious reasons.
This has been nagging me really, why not just tell it to David straight that he's under some ancient hocus pocus. He could take it, really. Though of course there'd be doubts, but come on, if Torgal backed it up and if he investigate, he'd get some proof. 'Course that'd make an awful change, would include a lot of tension too, tell me is David aware of his sexual preference? Anyway, just a thought.
| mimic shalle chapter 3 . 9/6/2012
Oh my god, seriously? They eat Vicious Plants? ...Gods I wouldn't even consider putting a piece of that thing in my mouth. /shudders/ Anyway that was interesting, I don't really pay attention to the monster description. Now that you mentioned it, most of the regular monsters (well those that I've looked up) are used for some dish or the other. Greek, Caribbean, German, among other things.
To the review proper:
Uh. Hm. It was long...? Not that I'm complaining, I mean it almost got me late (/ _ _)/ Ehem. Anyway, it could do with some trimming. There were quite a few words, even phrases, that could have been omitted without altering the thought of the sentence. You know like this:
"...but the headache was getting over him and he found himself slipping from his consciousness." word count: 15
It could have been like this and it wouldn't even matter:
"...but the headache was getting over him and he found himself slipping from consciousness." word count: 14
Though if I have to be finicky about it, and yeah I am, it will be something like this:
"...but the pain pounded and hammered against his head, crushing his already flimsy grip on consciousness." word count: 16
See? Almost same word count, says the same thing, but more satisfying. Try not to tell too much in instances like this. It's like the climax of this chapter. It's okay to indulge.
Moving on is, well, dialogue structure, still. Then again, I think it's only the simple matter of being overlooked. There aren't that many.
Next is, "jacket". I did a 360 on this and it completely threw me off from my imagery. I know that the term was first used around 1425-ish, but as it is now when you say jacket the image that immediately comes to mind is a comfortable, loose, cotton zip up jacket.
If I would have done it, I would use coats/cloaks as it would be generally safer and would have less chances of jarring your reader.
Last is the Bartender. If Rush already sees him as an older brotherrr-er-sister, he should address him by his name.
Anyway, moving away from technicalities... Squee! Yes. Squee! Coz, it's squee! Plot movement, yes! And David, you heartless bastard! Haha, would love to see his face if Rush spat that to him. It would have been priceless. Anyway, I have a question... what the hell is Paris doing there? You aren't serious that he was only visiting, are you? Because his kind of people (especially the I'm-heir-to-a-march/duchy-har-har or I'm-a-political-head-tee-hee) wouldn't just drop by for a friendly chat. If it was Violet I would have believed it yeah, but that's already stretching it.
Oh yeah, it's already been a month... erm wouldn't Rush send a letter to his family? I mean like, something like: "hey guys, I'm back. I'm in Athlum, btw." or something.
| MsSupreme chapter 2 . 8/24/2012
Oh my...I love this is already breaking my heart :') Update again soon :D
| mimic shalle chapter 2 . 7/31/2012
"Out of the way Torgal! I'm with Blocter on this one. Beating the crap out of her may not bring his memories back, but it will certainly make me feel better!"
Hatechu Ems, I really do.
Well to the proper review... the chapter was good. Could be better, but still good. I'm with Kirara when she said that there were a few words that were out of place, and, in addition to that, wasn't exactly properly used. Like so:
"...before letting out an angry scowl and exited the room,"
A scowl is a facial expression, not an angry growl, snarl or whatever that makes sound. If you're aiming for the facial expression then you'd have to change the 'letting out' bit.
Another thing for technicalities is your dialogue patterns again. We've already talked about this subject so I wouldn't go into detail, but just to show:
"Blocter, control your anger," he said in a calm voice that sounded like an order no less. "It would not do any good. Hitting Emmy wouldn't bring Lord David's memory back."
"Okay, so Emmy's relative I am!" Rush exclaimed with a toothy grin. "I guess I'll just put some tinsy-bitsy lies here and there if needed."
There are more of these, not just these two, so if you have any questions just say so in your pm.
One last thing for the technical part is reign in your semicolons. Saying that you shouldn't use them would totally be a faux pas, but I say not use them until you learn how to. They tend to be incredibly distracting.
Well now that the technicalities are over, I have a few questions regarding the details of the story. First is the Sykes, as in their family in general. It's only been two years since the Remnants disappeared, and I doubt that John and Marina's reputation had receded, so I was just wondering if the whole family was wiped out of David's memories too... though he'd be a poor lord if doesn't know all the big wigs in the Academy.
Second is, why haven't Rush visited his family yet? I mean wouldn't it be normal to seek them out first for comfort and guidance and a little heart to heart and then decide the next course of action? And wouldn't he feel the least bit betrayed for what Emmy did? ...Then again, that's only me talking because I really want to chop her head off.
| Kirara-Elfkin chapter 2 . 7/30/2012
Oh, nice chapter! A few words out of place here and there but overall very convincing and good characterisation.
| Kirara-Elfkin chapter 1 . 7/15/2012
Oh my... (faves this and is otherwise lost for words at how good an idea this is)
| mimic shalle chapter 1 . 7/13/2012
Yes, Ems, what the f- have you done? Though, one cannot blame the woman for wanting David to move on and stop moping.
Anyway, ehem, to the review proper. This would be more technical than commentary, I've already said a lot on what I think about this new piece from my rather hurried PM earlier xD;
First off, yah, the title. It's too long, and not that there's anything wrong with long titles but it's not catchy, you know? ...Sorry, I'm speaking from a business major point of view, but there's a grain of truth in it, I think. *blinks*
Anyway, the any real problem I'm having to this very promising piece is how you style your dialogues. I don't know who talks sometimes, and had to reread some of the lines to pinpoint who was talking. Another thing to add is that you're using the wrong punctuations for most of them. Like so:
"See? She knows me!" Rush said proudly(,) "man, I can't believe you don't know about me at all! You must be a new recruit, aren't you?"
Instead of using a comma after 'proudly', you should have placed a period. Technically, a dialogue is a part of a proper sentence and as such should be punctuated accordingly. If you wanted Rush to proudly say his next of line of dialogue, then you were on the right track, but if you meant that Rush said his first line proudly, then you should have used a period instead of a comma.
The next issue I'm having with how you construct your dialogue, is how the characters get too wordy at times. Not that I'm saying that they should stick to one-word-lines, just that if you're not aiming to highlight the dialogue, then you should remove the extra word, or two, which are already implied to avoid redundancy. Then again, if you designed a character to have the tendency of being wordy, this advise would not apply to him/her.
Moving away from dialogues, I've noticed a few wayward words here in there. It's nothing too serious, don't worry, and should be cured by a reread or two. Here's an example:
"...giggle before the sounds of footsteps quieted down into (a) silence."
There shouldn't be an 'a' there. By putting 'a' before silence, you're actually implying that there are more than one kind of 'silence'.
Applying what was said earlier, you should have something like this:
"...giggles before the sound of footsteps faded into silence."
Well that's it, I'm done for the day- chapter, I mean. I hope I'll read more of this stuff very soon,
Suggested Reading: Grammar Girl's Quick and Dirty Tips, or Elements of Style (Strunk & White)