Reviews for Homeward Heart
DragonKoal chapter 3 . 6/9/2013
I hope life's going alright for ya, I'd hate to see a good story writer vanish. :
DragonKoal chapter 1 . 5/20/2013
I love how this is starting out, I especially love how she is reacting to things and how the characters react to things they have no knowledge of, I look forward to the next part. In a way, due to her being here, she might even change the outcome of the game or at least a few parts of it, or even better, she gains a Ra-seru!
St33lStrif3 chapter 3 . 4/7/2013
Good story so far. Very true to the game, but also, taking it a bit further and fleshing it out. Very good. Keep it up. And if you need help, just look me up. I know everything about this game. Childhood icon, you know.

Carpe Diem

Steel Strife
nicoleb chapter 1 . 3/8/2013
'Not enough characters,' my a*s, FF! You'd think the site might've warned me. D:

"Jacob and Dai together managed to fasten a reasonably sturdy stretcher long enough for Juno lay on."
- This is a common mistake. In fact, it may just be one of the most annoying rules English has. -_- 'Lay' is the past tense of 'to lie,' and it's also the present tense of the transitive verb ('to lay'). Transitive verbs must take direct objects, while intransitive verbs cannot take direct objects. Since English is not taught in schools anymore (much to my annoyance), you might not know what direct objects are.

Basically, transitive verbs (like 'to lay') must have a thing, person or place (a noun or pronoun) after them. So, "I will lay this tray on the table." By contrast, intransitive verbs cannot have a thing, person or place after them. "I will lie down." So, it's incorrect to say, "I will lie this tray on the table," and, "I will lay down." I think the reason people get confused is because 'lay' is the past tense of 'to lay.' So, even though it's not correct to say, "I will lay down," it IS correct to say, "Yesterday I lay down." I know; it's horribly confusing. English makes NO FREAKING SENSE. X_X

"Aziya tried managed to place her elbows upon Esto's back"
- Either an 'and' should be placed between 'tried' and 'managed,' or one should be omitted.

Sorry about the grammar lesson in the second-to-last typo. I can ramble a lot about English grammar when I get the chance. xD

Anyway, GREAT chapter and EXCELLENT writing! I can't wait for the next one! And (sorry to say it), I can't wait to see how you portray my beloved Songi, even if that is a ways off.
nicoleb chapter 3 . 3/8/2013
WHEW! The LENGTH of these chapters! XD Although, I'd say they're novel-length rather than fanfic-length, which works for what you're wanting to do here. I must say, reading the second half of this chapter while I had a battle track from Tales of Symphonia playing in VLC-player was beyond epic. xD

So, all that stuff I said in the previous chapter about all the extensive detail still holds true here. I love you how expand upon the Legaia universe. Particularly, I liked how the treasure chest in the Hunter's Spring had supplies rather than the RPG-thing (a healing item, I think?) it had in the actual game. That would've just been stupid in a story, after all. XD Similarly, I love how you're naming all those insignificant NPCs and giving them personalities. It makes the world feel much more alive. And I really like the names (both first names and surnames) you're using too. I can't wait to see what names you come up with for some of the other characters.

I also really like how long it's taking Aziya to accept that she's been sucked into a video game. Most SI-fics I've read (though I haven't read many) just have the character accepting things straight away, which is just so unrealistic. -_- I must say, I felt sorry for Aziya when one of the hunters accused her of almost killing Juno, but it was... kind of true. Understandably so, though. I mean, who wouldn't run off in those circumstances? But I like how your fic isn't a Mary Sue one. You know, in those, the other characters would never think of blaming Aziya, even if she was acting realistic.

And that's the key word here, I think. 'Realism.' That's the one reason I'm enjoying this story so much. You have a very good knack for setting universe and characters, to the point where A) I can easily relate to the way all the characters, especially Aziya, are acting and feeling, and B) the way you write, I can almost picture the environments you describe in my head (and I'm not usually good at picturing things). If your story wasn't so realistically written, I would probably dislike Aziya for putting Juno in danger (albeit unintentionally) and arguing with and snapping at all the villagers when they're just trying to help. But I'm not here, because, again, I think this is just how most people would act. It's a very three-dimensional way of writing, and I love it. You clearly know this game back-to-front. I wasn't lucky enough to grow up with it like you were, but I still doubt I'd know it as well as you do even if I had. I iz impress'd. xD

Strangely enough, I never had a problem pronouncing Aziya's name and said it exactly how you intended. As for your other original names, I think I'm pronouncing them okay. The only problem is that I'm not sure if I should be pronouncing them using English rules or Japanese ones. 'Hisa,' for example. Going by English rules, it'd probably be 'hi-suh' ('hi' rhyming with 'high'), but going by Japanese rules, it'd be 'hih-suh.' I go by Japanese pronunciation by default, since LoL is a Japanese game, but please let me know which pronunciations I should typically be using.

I didn't think you were preaching at me by making your character religious. In all honesty, I'm an atheist (or halfway between an atheist and agnostic might be more accurate - I won't go into that here though XD), but I have no problem with religion or religious people as long as they don't use their religion to hurt or alienate others, which I know you don't do. The same applies for atheists too; I dislike any atheist who hurts or alienates religious people. But I'm getting off-topic here. XD Long story short, I don't think you're preachy. _

As for the chapter itself (God, this review is going to be freaking LONG :O). In short terms, first half: emotional. Second half (the flashback-half): epic. In longer terms...

Well, to start with, as I already said, you do such a good job at making Aziya realistic and relatable. Like, d*mn. X_X Like, I really feel her terror and dismay when her cell phone isn't picking up any signals or successfully sending any texts. I don't know how long it'll take Aziya to accept all this, or if she ever will completely, but if you keep writing it the way you do, it could go on for the entire story, and I probably wouldn't mind. :P (I know it probably won't though.)

The entire flashback scene was epic. I'll be honest: when I first looked at the italics, quickly checked and realized they comprised the rest of the chapter, I groaned internally, because I don't usually enjoy flashback chapters, especially ones that contain things that have already happened. But I probably liked the second half of the chapter even more than the first half. I even enjoyed reading parts of the chapter that had already happened, but were now being told from Aziya's perspective. Granted, I didn't enjoy them as much as the new stuff, but I still enjoyed them a lot.

I dubbed the flashback scene as the epic half of the chapter, but there was plenty of emotion in it as well, particularly when Aziya was trying to revive Juno. That aside, it was epic. You certainly know how to write action scenes, and that's a very good thing. LoL is, after all, filled with action.

On the lighter note, I laughed at the parts where Aziya mentioned Facebook, and at the part where she was performing CPA on Juno, and the other hunters thought she was having her way with him. XD Understandable, of course. Actually, it reminded me a lot of that scene in The Hunger Games where Finnick (he's so awesome :3) did CPR on Peeta (he's so un-awesome :X), and Katniss (she's meh XD) was like, "WTF?" XD

My whole review is TL;DR (though I'm sure you did XD): AMAZING. Just... the amount of detail and effort you put into this. O_O It makes me so sad to think of how underrated LoL is as a game and how few people will read this story because of it, not to mention those who might be scared off because they don't like SI-fics. I mean, I never really did before this, but that was because I'd never read a good one that wasn't blatantly Mary Sue-ish and believable. So just... WOW. :D

Now, for a tiny bit of constructive criticism (and help with some typos you missed). I notice you use a lot of makeshift 'titles' to refer to your characters (most notably Aziya in this chapter), such as 'the brunette,' 'the woman,' 'the stranger,' etc. While these titles are very useful when you want to avoid repeating the character's name or related pronouns too much, it's also quite easy to overuse them. For example, in scenes where it's already obvious you're talking about Aziya, you probably only need to refer to her as 'she' or 'her,' unless you've already used 'she' and 'her' several times already, and doing so again would thus look unappealing.

I use titles in my writing myself, and I used to use them a LOT more than I do now. Even now, in my first proofreads, I usually end up removing at least half a dozen uses of 'the redhead,' 'the younger man,' 'his former best friend,' etc. and only keep the ones I deem absolutely necessary for the flow of sentences. It might pay to try to become a little extra-aware of how much you use the titles and decide if it's absolutely imperative that you use them rather than the character's name or a pronoun. I know it's a style choice as well, but I think you'd be surprised how many times you can use and reuse a title without realizing it. XD

Now, as for typos, I think I spotted most of the typos you made. I hope so, because proofreading and editing is what I eventually want to do as a career. I hope you don't mind me pointing them out. They say nothing against your ability to write, since everyone makes them. And I know how it is; a lot of those typos are just the result of missing letters. Because the average person reads so fast, your brain, knowing what it's trying to say, automatically fills in the missing words so that you don't notice they're missing. That's why it's always good to have BETAs, because BETAs don't know what's going to be written, so their brains tend to fill in the blanks a lot less often. Even proofreading a story dozens of times (as we do XD) probably won't get rid of all the mistakes. Stupid human brains, filling in the blanks and messing up our proofreading. ;D If you like, I'd greatly appreciate you pointing out any typos I make in future chapters of my fic (because I'm sure I will, and have made, many, though I don't expect you to reread the chapters you've already read). _

"But she could see it; she could see the ocean right in front of uneasiness in her stomach earlier began building into fear."
- I think you missed a couple of words between 'in front of' and 'uneasiness in her stomach.'

"there were too many questions at all once"
- Miss-order with the phrase 'all at once.'

"she could (feel) her pulse and her heart thudding painfully against her chest."

"She didn't know how far they were (from) the spring."

"Stop it! If we can pump his heart until the medics get here, than he might live!" she shrieked."
- 'Than' is in place of 'then.' (I make that mistake all the time. XD)

"pushing two deep breathes of air into his lungs." -and- "Eventually she gave a third set of breathes"
- Should be 'breaths,' not 'breathes.'

"They turned back to Aziya and their companion.."
- There are two periods instead of just one.

"Jacob and Dai together managed to fasten a reasonably sturdy stretcher long enough for Juno lay on."
- This is a common mistake. In fact, it may just be one of the most annoying rules English has. -_- 'Lay' is the past tense of 'to lie,' and it's also the present tense of the transitive verb ('to lay'). Transitive verbs must take direct objects, while intransitive verbs cannot take direct objects. Since English is not taught in schools anymore (much to my annoyance), you might not know what direct objects are.

Basically, transitive verbs (like 'to lay') must have a thing, person or place (a noun or pronoun) after them. So, "I will lay this tra
kenegi chapter 3 . 3/7/2013
Oh this chapter has the full story of what happen. Poor girl, too bad the full shock hasn't came down yet.
Y4mi Shigi chapter 2 . 2/25/2013
nice one! keep this up! :D
nicoleb chapter 2 . 1/5/2013
Holy hell, the amount of detail in this. O_O Very nice chapter. I was a bit sceptical about the part with your OC saving Juno with CPR, since I've had bad experiences with fics giving too much attention and praise to the self-inserts, but you've told me that she's going to be a balanced character, so I'm sure she will be. And I suppose it IS good that she didn't end up killing Juno after all. xD I'm guessing he'll end up dying in the Seru attack, since Juno's death is the main reason for Vahn starting his quest and all. It'll be nice to get a day or so to get to know him before that though, if you are planning to kill him off. I don't know how Vahn has that feeling of deja vu with your character, but it'll be interesting to see what it is later on.

I really liked the scene with Vahn's nightmare about his dad. It was really well-written and a nice touch. Poor Vahn. :'( Also, Vahn's relationship with his sister is so sweet in this fic! I love how he tugs her ribbon. I can so picture him with a troll-face expression as he does that. XD And even though I've seen it often in crossover fics and the like, I did LOL at the part where your character was mentioning cell phones, hospitals and cosplay. I can see her taking a while to fit in here. ;D I also noticed you gave Vahn a last name, which is really nice. I did that in my Legaia sequel, too. I remember giving Zopu, Gala and Songi the last name 'Denoir.' Subtle, right? :D What's the 'Runin' mean? It sounds Japanese, which would make sense, LoL being a Japanese game and all.

Looking forward to more chapters! And keep up the nice pacing. I mean, I won't lie; I can't wait for you to get to Songi (XD), but it's good to take things slowly as you're doing. If you need any help with suggestions or ideas, let me know. I doubt you need them though. You seem to have this going along pretty well so far. :)
kenegi chapter 2 . 12/20/2012
Oh so she managed to save him via CPR, that is rare though if Juno was shocked to death. Also is she going to remove her earrings, because those are a hindrance in a battle, especially since they are the loop type. Then it seem like she is going to play the medic roll since the game had all of the characters full offensive roll although Noa only fit for that roll due to her superior MP(?) count. And lastly In the memories of those who died in the shooting, RIP and may the survivors stay strong.
nicoleb chapter 1 . 12/16/2012
Aw. I'm sorry about Cheddar and Mozzarella. :( My cat, Tabs, died a while ago, so I know how sucky it is to lose a beloved pet. :(

My first thought upon reading this: "D*mn, you're a good writer." O_O It's really interesting to see things from the perspective of Juno and the other hunters. We never did see Juno alive, did we? The way you wrote him seems just like he would be: sensible, brave and religious. XD Actually making me care about the character before he dies is a good idea, since the game didn't really do that with Juno. To be honest, I'm not usually crazy about SI fics; I only like them if they're well-written and the SI isn't over-powered and Sue-like. So, so far yours seems to be just fine, since it's well-written and your SI isn't uber-powerful. _ But d*mn it, woman! You killed Juno! :O Well, I know it wasn't your fault, but I like blaming people for things. ;) And from some of your dialogue, mentioning that Juno and the others were talking about a video game, does that mean your SI knows about LoL? That'll be really interesting, if you'll know what's gonna happen. XD How much of this have you already written? Like, how far in the storyline are you? Keep up the good work, in any case. :)
kenegi chapter 1 . 12/11/2012
Ouch, so she's responsible for his death, or is she going to advert his death... Not likely.
Tabansi232 chapter 1 . 7/14/2012
What a hook! I must applaud you for being able to set the scene, the background, and introduce the main character without having anything seem forced or rushed. Having the story begin in the third person definitely helps set another dimension to it, and seeing the main character through the eyes of other characters is a great way for the reader to gain a good perspective early on.

I only stumbled across one error (more of a typo) while reading the chapter, and I think I only noticed it because the sentence contains the word "bubbles."

Error: Juno peered over the edge. There indeed bubbles.

Other than that, you've done a marvelous job with everything! I'll be looking forward to reading the next chapter.