|Reviews for Ten years later, what do we have?|
| Firestorm Nauralagos chapter 23 . 6/6/2013
First of all, thank you SO very much for writing Cuba as a realistic place! A lot of the other fics in this fandom tend to make Cuba seem exactly like it was during the movie, but more like a paradise now that the Cubans are "happy." O_o Research is key for writing a convincing story, and I can tell that you did yours. :)
LE SECOND COMMENT:
I like the plot of this story, how Katey has a reason to be in Cuba instead of just "heading off on a nice vacation to find the love of her life!" Which brings me to the next part of Le Second Comment: You've added conflict between Katey and Javier! That makes me a very happy person; I doubt that they would realistically just end up together after not seeing one another for 10 years O_O Your plot and conflicts are all awesome, and I have a feeling that this story is going to end up somewhere spectacular eventually :)
And now for LE LAST COMMENT:
Your writing needs a little work, to be sure. The grammar and spelling have quite a few problems that I managed to catch, and I was reading pretty fast- almost skimming over some of your longer paragraphs, in fact. Try to space those out a little more, although I'm glad that you remembered to start a new paragraph each time someone new spoke :)
Your style of writing is a little bit choppy, but it's a lot better than some things I've read before. I would suggest finding a beta reader to help you out with the mechanics aspect of your story; even just a little proofreading will help you out a lot. :) :)
You're a pretty good writer overall; like I said, just work on le mechanics and making the story flow better, and you'll have a fabulous story on your hands :) I hope you decide to continue this at some point soon! :)
| Chausten chapter 23 . 11/13/2012
Well, there's good and bad news. I'll start with the bad.
First, your story needs to be rated properly, per FF.N rules. Looking at the end of chapter 18, I'd say that's an M rating right there. Writing it isn't a bad thing, but for the sake of your readers, don't let them go in thinking this is an all-ages-allowed story.
Second, your writing seems very inconsistent. I think all that Austen has crept into your writing style. And while I love Jane Austen, that style is hardly appropriate for a fic told by a 28-year-old woman in 1960's America/Cuba. Your grammar and constructions, although not wrong, are often obsolete or very elevated, formal styles. Your word choices range from things like "morrow" all the way down to "horny." Again, think of your narrator. I read your profile-your voice there is perfectly natural. Bring some of that in! (And as a side note, I don't object to British spelling or vocabulary as a rule, but being as Katey is American-please have her say "mom." Americans don't call their mothers "mum.")
On that note, the overall setting seems to be suffering from that same uncertainty. A large part of that is probably due to the things I just mentioned, but also when you say something like, the prison seemed so old, everything was on paper. Well, yeah, today that would seem old, but there weren't exactly any computers in 1969. What else would they keep their records on? In fairness to you, this style is totally compatible with the film, which has no qualms about playing hip hop, or letting the demure, sensible female protagonist flounce about in pants. Besides the Cuban Revolution, the closest that film got to indicating this was not present day was "square," "Do You Wanna Dance?" and the recorder her father carried around. Oh, and the cars.
My final problem with the story is the characterizations. I'm really concerned about those, because I can see where you are trying to evolve their characters ten years later. But instead of feeling like a natural progression, albeit surprising in places, it just feels like you've put in two different people and started calling them Katey and Javier. I don't know what to tell you except to really think about where we left them at the end of the movie. You started out on the right track, I think, and then as we got to Cuba things sort of spiraled out of control and now I have no idea who these two main characters are.
Which is a real shame, because I like your premise. Katey doesn't just get a free pass to wander back into Castro's Cuba, like everything's A-OK between the countries. Her job bringing her there, that was clever. I know next to nothing about Cuban foreign policy, so I don't know realistic that situation is, but I bought it. I love post-canon fics, because I get to see the author's vision of the "what's next?" question. It's really a test of how well you know these characters, to make them grow and evolve without losing their basic personalities along the way. I think you're cognizant of that challenge, so keep working at it.
You also get points for being a Janeite. Persuasion is my favorite of her works (though I haven't read her Juvenilia or Lady Susan). I'm not sure how much I agree with you, though, about the comparisons between the stories. Two lovers who were separated and meet again years later, sure, but that could be a million different stories. The whole point of Persuasion is that Anne was too submissive and couldn't stand up for herself or Wentworth. Sure, Katey's mom was less than thrilled when she found out her daughter was having an affair with a poor Cuban boy, but she was gracious enough meeting him. No one tried to break them up, where Katey would have had a choice. Castro was kicking Americans out. Her father had to leave the country, they all did. That wasn't a matter of choice, unless Katey wanted to risk ending up dead or imprisoned. They're not really role-reversed when they meet again, either; Javier's still poor and she's still rich. I suspect she's not going to end up with a heartfelt letter from Javier. ;) But it has that same kind of Austen-esque romance that made me fall in love with her work.
Anyway, don't let my criticisms deter you - I really want to know what happens next. You can't leave your readers hanging like this!
Keep it up. -C
| Gem chapter 21 . 9/24/2012
This is fantastic! Loving your story. The cliffhanger is great, and can't wait for more developments in all the areas you have touched on! Well done!
| Guest chapter 19 . 9/4/2012
Now it's getting juicy! And interesting. I like the fact there are cliffhangers at the end of sone of the chapters.
| Guest chapter 18 . 8/28/2012
Can't believe you paused it at that point! Fantastic! Loving your story!
| RocketGirl chapter 12 . 7/27/2012
I just love this story! I haven't even seen the whole movie. I can't wait till the next chapter is out
| Guest chapter 15 . 7/25/2012
Its getting really interesting now. The twists aren't what I expected at all! Looking forward to the next instalment. :0)
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/22/2012
Really good story! Looking forward to more! :0)
| Guest chapter 12 . 7/19/2012
Still enjoying this story. It's really different and dynamic. Looking forward to more twists and turns in the relationship between Katey and javier. Well done!
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/16/2012
Great story looking forward to following chapters! Well done! Can't wait to find out what happens to Katey and javier.