|Reviews for 続 Zoku: 心苦し編 Kokorokurushi-hen|
| Aimii0 chapter 4 . 7/31/2013
Ok I totally love this story, I really hope you'll update soon.
| Aimii0 chapter 3 . 7/30/2013
A new student, this seems cool. :)
| Aimii0 chapter 1 . 7/30/2013
Interesting, I have always been a fan of ShioSato. :)
| The Minister of Silly Walks chapter 3 . 8/14/2012
"Nothing will ever break us apart."
I just want to say i found this statement extremely foreboding. It's the kind of thing that's said almost for the sole purpose of tempting fate in a story. Much like standing out in a lightning storm holding a metal rod above your head and shouting very loudly "Electricity can't hurt me!". That's the feeling I'm getting anyway. I have no idea if maybe Shion and Mion will keep a strong bond through the nightmarish ride through Hell that is Kurushi-hen _ .
"even this early in the morning - making the red-haired girl uncomfortable and sweaty." Oh really, Rena? You should go get a glass of water. Just sayin'
" "I can't explain it though," Rena muttered lowly. "I just don't trust him." " _ I will say nothing...
Anyway on with the review
What needs fixin':
"Not only because of the unbearable heat, but she'd be late for school." The last part of this sentence is a little unclear. It doesn't seem quite so much like it fits with the rest of the statement. To fix this, I'd rewrite it as "but she'd also be late for school." or "but she also didn't want to be late for school." or something along those lines that shows that this is part of her reasoning for wanting to leave soon.
"she'd tell about it some other day." It should be "talk about it". "Tell about it" makes grammatical sense I suppose but it's not really -proper- English so it throws readers off a bit.
"letting Shion be in her own pace" This part is a little confusing. To let someone be is to leave them alone and to take someone at one's own pace is to complete a task or goal at a rate of progress they are comfortable with. So the way this is written makes it sound like "Rena is going to leave Shion alone and she's going to do it at a comfortable pace" which sounds a little silly. I would rewrite it as "letting Shion be until she was ready to open up." or something along those lines.
What needs praisin':
"and as usual, the garage was open, but the car was missing.. maybe he wasn't even home? Swallowing, Rena tensed as her heart skipped a beat; what if something had happened, and his parents had had to take him to the hospital? !" This was a good way to set up a few things about Rena's character. It shows how good she is at perceiving things (which is important later on in the story, yes?) without directly stating "Oh, Rena has great deductive reasoning". This is good because I think many readers forget that Rena is actually quite the little detective and this serves as a good way to acclimate some of us to that fact for the parts later in this story where she may show even greater feats of detective work.
"Swallowing, Rena tensed as her heart skipped a beat; what if something had happened, and his parents had had to take him to the hospital? !" Also this part shows how caring Rena is for her friends. It also does another thing which I find really cool that I'll tell you about privately since it would cause spoilers xD
"but a needle of concern prickled Rena as she watched her friend" I for some reason really liked this imagery. Enough to post it here for you to take note of xD though i don't have much else to say about it.
The last thing I have to say is more of a general note: and that is that everyone's characters are spot on so far. All of the characters retain their original flavor from the series which makes this feel like a true continuation of the series. You nailed Mion's tomboyish, dominant, tsundere charm here along with Rena's airheadiness/intelligence and Keiichi's energy. The only one who doesn't quite feel like their original character is Shion though that's actually a good thing here. In the show, we saw how Shion was able to maintain a facade of happiness and high-spirits even when she was really suffering great depression and stress from Satoshi's disappearance to almost everything else that was going on in the show. Sure, it might have been a total fake happiness but she rarely showed her sad side to others. Now however, it's like she can't bother with putting up the happy front. I think in the original show, the reason she ACTED happy all the time was because she didn't want others to worry about her. To have her act so openly sad and depressed around others in this story shows that she is not only exhausted from tending to Satoshi but I think she's also trying to call out for help. She wants comfort and maybe someone to confide in even though she knows she can't really tell just anyone about Satoshi's condition. It's gotta be a hell for her. And I got all of that just by comparing the attitude you gave her to the one she had in the show Well done!
| Guest chapter 4 . 8/3/2012
The new beginning to this chapter is very powerful; not just because of what's said here but because Satoko's voice really comes through, and it's all too easy to fill in the things she can't bring herself to say. I'm really glad you added this, because it makes this element of the story much more vivid, and so helps the reader understand what Teppei's defeat *means* to the characters. And I'm sure that's going to be important, or you wouldn't have included this element at all :)
The italic part in the middle is also very good. I love the way this story lets us hear from all the characters - not only does that give them more development and personality, but it gives a real sense that the group as a whole are the protagonists.
Finally, the real eye-opener in this chapter was Shion's odd behaviour at the end. As yet I have no guesses what it signifies, but the scene certainly adds to the unsettling atmosphere. *hugs Shion*
Looking forward to the next chapter as always, but don't rush it! :)
| flamingaro chapter 4 . 8/2/2012
Awesome. Completely awesome.
I'm keeping track of this on dA too.
Update when you can, this is beautifully written.
| Michael S. Repton chapter 3 . 8/1/2012
Very nice introductory chapter. The beginning is much improved, adding more colour to the scene and giving more depth to Hanyuu's feelings. I like the way you open with a recap - as well as letting us see it from Hanyuu's point of view, it makes the story more accessible whether or not you've watched the show. (That does make it feel odd that Oryou is introduced as "grandmother of the twins" when the twins haven't been mentioned yet.)
Oryou's dialogue is also improved; she is more assertive and cantankerous. (Just a small point, though: "she didn't believe a word of what her granddaughter said" tells us something we've already been shown twice.) And then Rena's scene is the most expanded, which has the effect of placing more emphasis on her doubts and worries, creating a nicely unsettling atmosphere. And it's great that we get some description of Tetsuya now; his appearance certainly does seem ominous.
| The Minister of Silly Walks chapter 2 . 7/31/2012
I won't say much about this because what I would like to say contains massive spoilers but I just realized how good of a summary this is for Part 1 of the series. As far as short little poems go though this is quite nice and sets up the mood for the rest of the story very well. It's certainly a very hopeless message and...
...y'know what? Remind me to refer back to this thing when it's time to review the conclusion of Part 1. I can't say what I want to say without ruining the plot for everyone else xDD and that would be a sin indeed.
Bottom line: The poem sets the tone very well. Excellent job x'D now on to the chapter!
| The Minister of Silly Walks chapter 1 . 7/24/2012
And so it's back! Hoo-rah! And we're off to a good start 8'3. Okay so I'll just dive right in here:
(Yes D'x I know I'm your editor and I should have seen these things earlier but sometimes stuff escapes my attention.)
"Even though it seemed lifeless, two young teenagers were filling it with their presence - or that would say, one of them was barely there. " Find this sentence and re-read the paragraph it's in. I realized by looking at this that it's unclear what the two teenagers are filling with their presence. I'm almost positive you're referring to the room, but the way you have it written could also be talking about the bear, which wouldn't make as much sense
"It had been more than a year since he had ended up in this bed" 'This bed' is a little too vague. It made me pause and go "What bed? owo;" since the hospital bed Satoshi is sleeping in hasn't been introduced in the scene yet. I would write it as "It had been more than a year since he ended up in that dreary hospital bed..." Though that's just a suggestion x3
"...or curve his lips into a smile, or any sign that he was alive" Here it should be written as "or GIVE her any sign that he was alive" because otherwise the reader has to ever so slightly struggle to figure out the exact meaning of this sentence. It's a small pothole in the otherwise smooth flow of this chapter but it's still enough to be noticed.
"A body, filled with so much life, yet so devoid of vitality, all his breaths taken through a mask." This is just golden. It's a great use of the English language and shows the reader that they are in the hands of a competent story teller early on in this fanfiction This is truly a higher form of writing.
"but her body still wore the dark bruises, the proof of the pain she had been through.. the day they had managed to free her, she had barely been standing.. days of bottled up tears had raced down her sore cheeks.." Normally I would wag an admonishing finger at you for this kind of a run-on sentence here but it actually works very, very well. It reads so that these memories of Satoko's abuse flash through the reader's mind one after the other and we can almost tell Shion is struggling to push these unpleasant images out of her head from this sentence alone.
"..it wasn't if. He'd come back.. he'd most certainly come back some day.. " I just love sentences like this and you're especially good at them. It's writing like this that gives us readers a really good glimpse into the character's thought process. And it's that kind of writing that you're very good at ;D as I've always said.
Okay so this prologue was great 8'3 Not much wrong with it and it flowed very well. The scene and the way it was executed promise the reader that they're in for a treat with this story. Albeit, it's going to freaking destroy whatever shred of innocence any of us have left but it's a treat all the same x'D. You're vocabulary has definitely improved since the first Kurushi-hen fic yet the things that made your writing great are still the same. I also like the ending to this chapter.
"Call me if anything happens."
"Of course, Shion-chan. As always."
It gives off a mixed feeling of hope and hopelessness. Like they're both trying to be optimistic about the possibility of Satoshi coming back and trying their hardest to believe that he will come back but at the same time, they're both beginning to doubt the likelihood he'll wake up. This whole thing must be becoming very routine for Shion. Like her evening schedule always consists of "Go to Clinic. Talk to Satoshi. Pray that he'll wake up. Go home. Be disappointed when Satoshi doesn't wake up." I don't know if I'm expressing myself right xD but let's just say I pity poor Shion very much here.
Anyway! Keep up the hard work, tomboy! It's looking great :"D And I can't wait to help you with editing more chapters!
TTFN - Ta, Ta For Now
| Michael S. Repton chapter 1 . 7/16/2012
Wow :) After waiting so long, it's finally here. And it's awesome. After reading this, I had a quick glance back at the old prologue to see what had changed, and that was certainly an eye-opener. Immediately noticeable was that the old version is missing the slow creation of atmosphere, the wonderful description of the room, the depth of connection with Shion's feelings, and the marvellous rhythm of the passage where Shion wakes up - a rhythm that resonates perfectly with that sensation of gradual awakening. I always said that you are the best writer in the Higurashi section: but you still manage to blow my mind with how much you've improved since you first wrote this.
A couple of small points. "Lowly" means "humble"; all three times you use it, I think you meant to say "softly". If the room is lit only by a flickering lamp, I'm surprised Shion can see Irie's eye colour. "Mallow" is such a rare word that I had to look it up; when used as a colour, it turns out to mean the same as the much more common "mauve".
Good luck with the next chapter, but take as much time as you need. I'm already just very happy to see more Kurushii-hen at last.