|Reviews for Pokémon: The great adventure|
| MouthofChayton chapter 10 . 1/1
I've read your fanfic up to the end of chapter ten and I must say that this fic has changed from what I can presume is your first fic to an amazing work of literary art. It moved me as most fics do when rivals/enemies become friends. Especially when it is a long term rivalry. I shall read the rest and I doubt you will disappoint me.
| Swirly592 chapter 31 . 12/31/2013
I've recently found you story (and its sequel) and I have decided to possibly help you. This story is amazingly written, probably one I the best on the website. But there are still problems that /I/ see. You could completely disregard this in the end (hell, you may never see it), but I wish to improve your writing skills.
To be blunt, the main characters are to... Perfect? It doesn't seem like the right word, but its the best that could be thought of. *shrugs* The characters, this is all mostly concerning Ash and Silver as they are the most prominent, don't have flaws (age, unlike how some believe, isn't a fucking flaw. I'm a teen, but I'm more mature and intelligent than some 40 year olds). They don't lose unless extremely unfair, don't have selfish moments, are kind to all, have nothing such as a grudge, etc. A good character needs human flaws in order for the audience to connect better. I was always looking forward to Gary arriving because he was interesting. He was flawed. I was skimming things such as the exposition and... Well, the plot. I was looking for something to catch my attention, which was never the main cast.
I remember you stating that Silver isn't a Gary Stu. You know what, he is. Handsome, mysterious, hurt, kind, selfless... He is the "perfect" representation of a human male. The fact he has killed increases the "Bad Boy" rating. The female demographic loves those who are tortured, those who could be fixed (to ask me why the fuck that is, it's just true. I feel the same at times). Ash is like this too, but only in the latter half of the story.
I apologize if I got a bit rant-y, but character is something I take to my heart as it is the one thing in writing I actually consider a strongpoint. I hope that, if you do see this, you take my rant into consideration. Although, this could be totally pointless in regards to the sequel, but I find that unlikely.
| Musical2day chapter 18 . 12/7/2013
So Simon is just Silver from the Pokemon Adventures manga? I guess you couldn't use Silver since there was the mentor Silver... Weird, you made Simon/Silver waay friendlier!
| FML chapter 1 . 11/22/2013
you're probably not going to like what i'm about to say. i'm not forcing you to read this, but i think you should know.
ugghh... oh my god this has to be one of the ultimate gary stue story on the sites. that's saying something, because there are already tonnes of mary sue/gary stue stories out there.
if you're trying to make a story that's 'so bad, it's good', sorry to say that this has surpassed that level.
oh my god. hey, that's something to note. even god didn't give men this many superpowers! and for a good reason!
i'm going to try to give some constructive criticism, but seeing that the story's finished already, this is going to be more like a place to vent. read it an weep.
1. you gave the pokemon the ability to talk.
i have nothing against this. meowth in canon made this possibility blow up in the fandom. but, fuck, ninetales has no fucking personality at all. she (he? idk sorry i skimmed through when silver started giving that fucking speech) sounds like a fucking fangirl who swoons over silver's every move. did silver eat her soul or something when he caught her? you bloody blasted praises and good-will all over your character already then you drench it all with THIS.
2. this kinds of ties in with the first point. EVERYBODY SOUNDS LIKE A FUCKING ROBOT.
all the dialogue sound so mechanical. you have flow, i'll give you that. but fuck, all this sounds like routine. the words you put in a character's mouth judges his character. from reading this, i can pick up next to nothing. ash is your classic little boy. delia is the concerned bystander. professor became a fuckwad somehow. even gary's cheeky retorts sound like a chore. you lost his attitude somewhere along the way. use fucking contractions. this isn't a fucking essay. more importantly, you're using fucking third person. you're practically god. the least you could fucking do was include the character's emotions instead of just using fucking VERBS to describe them. this leads to the third point.
3. your language.
you're using your flowery language in the wrong places. every where i see fancy words is around silver. you're practically holding up a sign that shouts 'GARY STUE' around him. "his soul could be felt through his words and eyes." oh come on! seriously? could you actually PICTURE that? i worry about you if you did.
on the other hand, you're using simple language around the other characters. press ctrlf , type in the word 'frown', and look at that frequency, along with how close they are to each other. that shouldn't happen. reading the same word over and over again is extremely annoying. use either a thesaurus or more flowery language. moreover, when you used to word 'frowned', you fucking put it in a two word paragraph. *PARAGRAPH*. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BRING ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT THEY *FROWNED*, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BRING ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT THEY ARE CONCERNED/CONFUSED/ETC. FUCK, YOU'RE USING LITTLE CHILDREN AS CHARACTERS. THAT'S PRACTICALLY PERMISSION TO MAKE THINGS A LITTLE BIT ADORABLE. "gary scrunched up his eyebrows in confusion" WAS THIS *THAT* DIFFICULT? OH MY GOD.
AGGGGHHH I FEEL SO DAMNED ANGRY THAT THE QUALITY OF POKEMON FICS ARE GOING DOWN. FUCK, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A FIC TO READ SINCE THE AFTERNOON. IT'S NIGHT TIME NOW AND I'VE YET TO FIND ANYTHING GOOD THAT I'VE YET TO READ. FUCK MY LIFE.
| xavier.fincher chapter 2 . 11/14/2013
this is a very different story but not bad by any means. I like having Ash not be smart right off the bat like some stories with "Smart!Ash" and having Silver is interesting as well. I my only problem is that Silver seems less like a outspoken guy and more like an asshole in these first 2 chapters. And the talking pokemon seems like it adds more characters to an already packed bunch. But that's just me.
| Knight of Cobalt Lightning chapter 18 . 11/14/2013
YES...LET HIM CATCH MEWTWO...
| Guest chapter 24 . 11/9/2013
he he he he. THAT WAS AWESOME SILVER WHET TO KILL MEWTWO THAT WAS FLIPPING AWESOME!
| PPQRDZE chapter 9 . 11/8/2013
Sometimes you get the names mixed up, 41.
But one thing I found confusing is a Haunter nodding. Doesn't it just do a spin in the air?
| AshKetchumisAwesome7 chapter 1 . 11/6/2013
Is the tail thing a dbz reference?
| doubledamn chapter 30 . 11/5/2013
Fantastic. I look forward to the sequel.
| doubledamn chapter 29 . 11/5/2013
Contests? Your opinion and will Ash be entering if you write enough sequels to make it to Hoenn?
| doubledamn chapter 28 . 11/5/2013
Your prideful and arrogant characters really now how to get under my skin. Stop it. It's getting very annoying, They're slowing making me lose some hatred for the World Nobles of One Piece. And I want to keep that anger until one o more of them gets punched in the face...again.
| doubledamn chapter 27 . 11/5/2013
Gary's problems are lot worse than I thought. I was surprised you didn't show Oak's reaction to his grandson's little speech/rant.
| doubledamn chapter 26 . 11/5/2013
Silver Soul - Unova? Is it N?
That would make sense. Not on for the anime (Ash's canon personality makes me sick) but I do like the games.
Great chapter, HOW THE HELL DID DAMIEN OF ALL PEOPLE MAKE IT TO THE CONFERENCE?!
And on that note, Why didn't Ash report him?
| doubledamn chapter 25 . 11/5/2013
Well the Children of Lugia giving their Blessing was unexpected.