|Reviews for Down the Rabbit Hole|
| Guest chapter 5 . 3/22
This is a Great story please update 0_0
| ULTRAMARINE59 chapter 5 . 2/23
Please update soon. This is just starting to get really interesting. Please don't give up on this story.
| Thorthemighty321 chapter 4 . 2/4
Nazi's and Nueroi possibly a surprise attack on the 501st JFW base oh my!
| Thorthemighty321 chapter 5 . 1/28
Damn son! Good work! I love it. Although I have to say I felt sorry for those Waffen SS troopers because they were hopelessly outclassed. Will you continue it?
| Guest chapter 5 . 1/8
JAYSEN can you please update this story?. I already check your profile, you update one of your story called "Infamous Salvation" in December 4th 2014. I ask you this we all want to know what will happen next?.
| meme chapter 1 . 5/28/2014
There is only one proper response to this.
RAMIREZ! TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS AND USE THAT STRIKER TO DEFEAT THE NEUROI!
All of them, sir?
| zergdramon chapter 5 . 5/13/2014
Reznov and Demitri? Now things are getting really serious...
Also, know that the 141 will be training a lot of soldiers will make a fine addition to the Allies against the Neuroi and the other faction. I'm just really surprised that you went on hiatus right now, please don't abandon this project. I also started writing my own when I found this fanfic of yours and now I'm learning a lot because of this story.
I'm still looking forward to your new chapter...
| BbK2442 chapter 5 . 4/18/2014
This is actually pretty interesting. At first, it felt like a rehash of Bucue's WR141, but it quickly evolved into something profoundly different. The villains are a bit shallow, with no explanation for their motivation other than an unexplained hatred for Witches, but it does make for a good adventure. Also, Eila really likes Sanya, so I would think she'd get slightly more jealous than she did when Harkov danced with Sanya. All in all though, I really hope you update soon.
| Shashenka chapter 5 . 1/25/2014
I really like the story so far its a fun read and quite interesting keep going
| Deadman'sHand92x45 chapter 5 . 1/15/2014
Well I found this story about a year ago and I have been reading it since then and keeping my mouth shut; but after seeing Bucue's review of this story I feel I need to say something to and expand on what he told you... I am not really a fan of this story for several reasons. first and foremost is how the witches are protrayed. In this story they come off as being these weak knee little girls who are rather incompetent and seem to need the COD guys to save them from everything from Neuroi to these Nazis (which I will get to later) basically these girls have been demoted to love interests for the COD guys and nothing more. By doing this I feel that you are completly missing the point of Strike Witches. Strike Witches among other things is a story of female empowerment and showing how these young ladies don't need men in their lives to solve their problems. In universe the witches are the equivilants of the Rosie the Riveters of our world coming out of the home for the first time into the work world. And as we see in canon some Neuroi are able to take on entire fleets of warships including batteships and aircraft carriers with little trouble and mankind's only real counter to them are witches. However I get the impression in your story that basically mankind doesn't need the witches to save them and basically the COD guys are giving off the impression of "silly girls go back to the kitchen and let us men do the fighting" I personally find that this pretty much undermine's the whole point of strike witches as well as coming off as rather sexist. Then the next problem I have with this series is the COD guys. Basically all of them have been stuified to make them these godly super human warriors who are the only ones who can save the day. Yeah basically all of them come off as perfect and the girls instantly adore them. One big example of this would be James who personally as a character makes very little sense. If I remember correctly James is in this story from south centeral LA which is basically gangland... so why the heck would he be interested in Japanese culture and wanting to learn Kendo? Really he already knows martial arts from the US Army and not to stereotype but in my experience not many people of Latino decsent especially from LA care at all about Japanese culture... it might make a little sense for him to be interested in korean culture as there are many people from Korea in LA and if he had a korean girlfriend then maybe I could see it. But as it is no I can not see any reason why he would be interested in Japanese culture unless it is just a BS claim so he can get into Mio's swimsuit. Nextly we got your OC Bradly Mason... urgh where do I begin with him... well personally I hate this guy more than anyone else in your story including that dumbass Strasse. He is a blatant Gary Stu... he is some super cop, ex SEAL impossibly cool and badass leader of LA's local gestapo like SWAT unit the Zero-T unit (which by the way we are both Americans so we should know that that shit would never fly in the states people complain and cry police brutality when a police officer shoots someone in self defense so can you imagine how people would react to basically a bunch of real life Judge Dredds walking around wasting people?) Anyway he comes off as perfect in every way with his amazing super
body armor (yes I know Dragon scale armor exsists IRL and it is really cool) and the SWAT van which in your story is basically a mystery box on wheels with just about every modern gun imaginable in it with an unlimted supply of ammo for these multitude of guns. Another thing that bothers me about him is his realtionship with Minna (which I will cover indepth in a little bit) yeah this guy just lost his wife a few days ago no more than a week and now he sees Minna and instantly falls for her in like four chapters... bullshit... just complete bullshit if I lost my wife of twenty years are whatever I would be (and most people would be) incredibly heart broken over it and seeing someone who looked like her would just be adding salt to an open wound because MINNA IS NOT THE SAME PERSON AS HIS WIFE! There is no chemistry between them their relationship is extremly shallow and based solely on how the other looks like the other onesdead love interest. This brings me to another huge glaring issue for this story which is the pairing... it makes no sense... for Minna she was in love with Kurt and then lost him so seeing Mason would just be a glaring reminder of her greatest failure and would rip open a recently closed wound in her heart and would turn her into an emotional wreck! Not to mention it is quite clear she is in love with Mio at this point hell she practically confessed her love for her in the first season during that whole gun incident so why is there no mention of it in your story? And on the subject of Mio it is pretty clear that she also has a thing for Minna although due to poor self wourth she doesn't understand these feelings and tries to ignore them. And why the hell does she like Ramierz? That came out of nowhere she just suddenly for no reason likes him? I don't get it there is Zero chemistry between those two. The let's see well there is the fact that Eila had no issue with Harkov and Sanya dancing which yeah that doesn't make any sense considering Eila is basically the Jealous girlfriend in regards to Sanya which by the way if you read Eila and Sanya's quotes about each other it is quite clear they like each other romantically and are just unable to convey those feelings. Then there is Shirley and Foley another crack pairing with no chemistry that comes out of the blue with zero devlopment and no chemistry... same goes for Trudy and Price for that matter. Next we have Dunn and Perrine which all I can say is WTF that makes no sense. In canon Perrine basically is a rather open Lesbian who is about as subtle as a train wreck with her love for Mio which is not at all adressed in this story. On top of that she doesn't really like men period so with no development to explain why she would lik Dunn I can't see anything between those two other than the rather lazy off screen incident where Dunn saved her and such. Lastly there is the rather disturbing slash between Lucchini and Soap I really really hope there is nothing romantic there because it would be scary to think that Soap is in your story a pedophile. Oh also on the note of the COD guys there is that whole medal ceremony which was complete BS they basically got a shit ton of medals just for performing some basic SAR as a former military man I am sure you know that would not actually happen. Next we have the Nazis why the hell do they exsist in te Strike Witches world they have no reason to be there at all. The only reason they exsisted irl was because of germany's defeat and humiliation during WW1 and combine that with Hitler's anti semitism and the believe that the Jews stabbed Germany in the back led to their rise to power. Without those things they wouldn't exsists and since WW1 never happened and there is no religion (are at least no religion in the western world) in the strike witches world that would negate those two aspects of Nazism. So basically at best they would be a secert society and what the hell would there goals be other than be evil? (Well I am guessing it porbably has something along the lines of cerberus from mass effect and wanting to control the Neuroi to take over the world) Also how the hell can these guys kidnap rape and torture to death dozens of witches and not have allied commnd come down on them like a ton of bricks? Basically the implications are that allied command is out right retarded or some how doesn't give a shit about witches the latter of those two has some very unfortunante implications. On the note of the Nazis why the hell are five generals and their troops working together and no one notices? Five feild armies are pretty hard not to miss? Then fr Strasse yeah he was way to fucking stupid he basically goes into to dumb to live terrirory why the hell would he instantly try and attack the COD guys and not try to get them to work for him first... you think seeing five or six mundane people taking out a bunch of Neuroi would give him pause and make him think that maybe outright attacking them is not a good idea. Yeah he basically randomly attacks them and the witches with his SS troops and ends up going from zero to batshit insane in seconds. Another major problem with your story is fo the first few chapters they were straight up plagerism. I felt like I was readin Bucue's story in fast forward until general von crazy pulled his to dumb to live moment. Also ch5 was nothing but flashbacks that is incredibly lazy writing and should not happen. Flashbacks are fine but make them sporatic not the entire chapter. Another major problem is the gun porn... I get it guns or cool but plz for the love of god stop having it in every chapter it is far far too much. One more thing for the Russians invading LA that is down right imporbable as they would have to first get past the american air force and navy and when they arrived in LA one of the world's largest cities they would have thousands of cops and the US Marines stationed in camp pendelton to deal with. Plus for that matter shepherd wouldn't want to pull his troops out of the city it wouldn't serve his purpose at all in fact it would probably be deterimental for him to do so as it gives the russians a foothold in America and it would be very difficult fr them to be rooted out Lastly the whole Minna falling for an OC male lead who looks like Kurt... I first noticed it in your story but I feel that it has become endemic of these stlyes of fics so I think you created a serious monster with that one :( anyway that is about all I have to say about this fic... this story is not the worst story I have ever read on the strike witches section but it certainly is not a good story by any stretc
| Bucue chapter 5 . 1/15/2014
When I first read this fic I thought that the story would have had potential to grow, provided that the rules and laws of good writing were followed. I gave encouragement because I wanted to see if both writer and story would grow and develop and become a good example of writing. But clearly that hasn't happened, sad as it is for me to say.
The story has taken great missteps in terms of narrative, characters, story mechanics, atmosphere and also a few other problems involving bad writing practices that are apparent.
Firstly is the multiple, flashback-within a flashback sequences. The way these flashbacks are handled comes off as incredibly lazy writing. The fact their is a flashback within a flashback strikes me as incredibly lazy and unprofessional.
Secondly, the COD characters come off as Stu's and are taking the spotlight off of the girls. Stuifying the COD guys is another case of poor, lazy writing and will make the narrative boring to read. The reason for this is simply thus: the COD guys are basically static, flat, unchanging and ultimately boring characters. This is poor, lazy writing. The point of the story is for the hero to grow, develop, learn and improve him/herself overtime in the narrative. They need to have more defining them then gruff military types. Make them 3D, give them depth and actual character. Heck, make them act in ways that are close to realistic: James losing his family should leave a larger emotional impact on not only him but the readers. Delve into the characters psychology and explore that.
Thirdly: If this is supposed to be a true crossover then the girls should also be given some POV's and development. The fact they are taking back seats to the COD guys and are overall being depicted as week-willed, incompetent and needing the guys to save them strikes me as somewhat of an unfortunate implication, and its a problem that I see constantly in the Strike Witches fics that truthfully I'm beginning to tire of. The girls are soldiers: they are responsible for holding back the Neuroi threat and are the key to bringing victory in the Neuroi war: they should be treated as such. Even if they are kids; the witches are essentially magical super soldiers. They fight the Neuroi: a powerful dangerous alien race that takes full broadsides from battleships like the Yamato and shrug them off, and they can wipe out full battalions and squadrons of aircraft with decent ease.
Without the witches that humanity in their world would have been wiped out. Don't forget to show the strength these girls have, both their magic and their wills. To have them take a back seat to the COD guys states a unfortunate implication and sets a bad precedent in my mind; that the witches should stay out of the way and let the COD guys do all the work. Such an unfortunate implication would strike people as sexiest, in addition to the fact that turning the witches of the 501st into weak damsels that require saving would be derailing them and would undermine the premise of the Strike Witches Series, and would also make the girls to be unappealing and flat in my mind: it would be better to show that the witches are the strong, independent young soldiers that we know them as from the anime. Not to mention that they are starting to act seriously OOC. These don't feel like the girls of the 501st at all, and that's a major problem.
The pairing on a inter-personal character level are weird and make no sense: theirs no chemistry between these characters. None of the pairings have anything even remotely in common on a romantic level, and have been given no development. Why has Minna forgotten her feelings for Mio? What I feel should be addressed is the shipping of Minna and Mason: Minna had lost Kurt in the evacuation of Karlsland and Mason his wife to the Russian invasion: both of them, realistically speaking, would be torn up by the fact they are seeing someone who is the spitting image of their loved one. Minna especially; she wanted to go save Kurt but was unable to do so: his death would haunt her and seeing Mason and the fact he looks like Kurt would cause Minna a great deal of emotional anguish. Besides the fact a lot of her feelings she once had for Kurt have been transferred to Mio; that doesn't seem to be addressed. Why is Eila suddenly okay with Sanya dancing with Harkov: she wouldn't let anyone wither man or women even look at Sanya, much less dance with her. Eila acts like a jealous boyfriend towards Sanya when someone tries to get close to the girls of her affections, so why us that not happening? Both Eila and Sanya are canonically speaking recorded to have romantic feelings for each other but just can't convey those feelings.
The other pairings make just as little sense... and I cringe to ask if Lucchini is being shipped with Soap. That strikes me as very uncomfortable and I wish to ask clarification as to what the deal with that is; if it's romantic in nature then Soap is essentially robbing the cradle in a very illegal way. Aside from the fact that their was no mention of the fact that romance between mundane, male soldiers of any rank or nation would be shut down due to the blanket prohibition preventing such relationships, which hasn't been addressed at all.
If you are aiming to have a het pairing in Down the Rabbet hole I recommend finding characters that would have some form of reasonable chemistry between each other and then have it develop at a reasonable, realistic pace: relationships take time and effort. Same goes with romance. And remember to try and keep the personality's of all the characters, both witches and COD guys intact and whatever development they have is development that makes sense to their personality and character.
One other thing is that the story is going way too overboard with the gun-porn. The people from the trike witches verse may find the infantry small-arms a little neat at first, but they wouldn't be gushing over them as much as they are in the story. Not to mention that the issue of the COD guys weapon and ammo logistics haven't been addressed either.
Speaking of the Neuroi: what happened to them? It seems as if they disappeared completely. The Neuroi are an important element to have and will give the girls a chance to shine for once. Also... what the heck's the story with this group that kidnapped the witches? Why are they in the SW world? How did they come to be? And more importantly; how they hell did high command not notice any of the crap they have been pulling in regards to kidnapping, experimenting on, raping and killing literally several dozen witches, if not more. That makes absolutely no sense and wouldn't fly. It makes high command come off as though they were either ridiculously, moronically incompetent or they just didn't care about the witches in question. It's abhorrent.
Another thing that wouldn't fly, in all honesty, is the fact that Mason is a cop who is part of a police unit tasked with executing criminals without due process in the streets. That wouldn't fly in real-life, nor the cannon COD verse. How exactly would something like this fly with out massive public outcry?
The more I read this story the more disappointed I am with it. It may have started with some possible potential, but that potential has been squandered because of bad writing. It may not be the worst example of a poorly written fic, but it isn't very good by any stretch. I'm sorry, but as a fellow writer who's trying to uphold the quality of the written word, this is a story I cannot endorse as a good story. And I cannot, in good conscience, turn a blind eye to bad writing practices. Readers and fans deserve better treatment of their series and characters then this.
I know we can do better, fellow fanfic writers. Let's strive to become so.
| New Universe Returns chapter 5 . 12/23/2013
I was hoping that this story won't grow darker and edgier like the other stories, Witches and the 141 and The Clocktower. And I was wondering if Ghost can show up?
Can the TF 141 meet the Patton Girls, 502nd JFW, 504th JFW, and the other known witch squadrons?
| FrancisJames chapter 5 . 10/21/2013
This is a good one. Keep up the good work.
| Lt.Commander Amirul chapter 5 . 10/20/2013
Finally... You've updated it. Nice to see some boys outside of CODs as well... Love to see what'll happen next in this epic battle...
| Darkspecter141 chapter 5 . 10/17/2013
Talk about an unexpected development. I hope you can put in Perrine's reaction to the news.