|Reviews for silver|
| SnowKi chapter 6 . 5/30
More pleaz 3~
| Guest chapter 6 . 6/17/2013
Bravo. While this is still far from Shakespeare, you've taken a monumental step forwards from what you had before. You have punctuation errors, spelling errors, capitalization errors, and there are still points of this story I don't like, but not as bad as previous chapters. Please continue. I feel like I could come to somewhat enjoy this story, if you keep going in the direction you've started with this chapter.
NOTE: Each time a new person talks, start a new paragraph. IT'S NOT THAT HARD!
| wolflguardian42 chapter 4 . 5/7/2013
Space out your dialogue. It will help the story flow better and make it easier to understand.
| Guest chapter 5 . 4/24/2013
The reeeeeeally scary part: Hoodie Ninja specifically says redhead, and the described redhead actually matches Scarlett's body type. Just... creepy.
| Guest chapter 5 . 4/24/2013
Why would they but down their incredibly sharp, likely deadly swords to just bite each other?
If "Hoodie Ninja" reminds you of Snake Eyes, I'm very concerned about how you see him. Honestly, I can NOT see Snake Eyes sitting outside Scarlett's window, watching her get undressed, and I don't think anyone else can. Did you even LISTEN to the lyrics?
| Guest chapter 5 . 4/22/2013
Wolves actually don't have red/black eyes, that's a rather common misconception. The most common color would be yellow. Wolves can have red eyes if they have a light reflected in their eyes or if they're albino, but not for any other reason. That just bugged me the most. Work on everything else wrong with this story, which is pretty much everything.
| Ninella chapter 1 . 4/13/2013
Darling, I am guessing you are in your teens. Which makes me give you an enthusiastic cheer for throwing this out there. However, the other side of the coin is you have to be prepared for your readers to get rather ruthless when it comes to abuse of the rewritten language.
First, paragraphs: you have very few. Every new quote needs one with the relevant punctuation. Those commas and periods and what not are crucial for you to get the emotion, nuance and feeling across. How can a person enjoy a story if they cannot understand it?
Second: edit your work before you throw it to us wolves. Read it out loud to see how it sounds
| Guest chapter 5 . 4/1/2013
I'm just going to put this out there - this is horrible. Your grammar is horrible, and your spelling is horrible. I would like to know what stupid idea prompted you to put three-fourth of your description in ALL CAPS. IT'S KIND OF ANNOYING. IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE YELLING AT THE READER. ALSO, DID I MENTION THAT IT'S BEGGING, WHICH MAKES YOU LOOK PATHETIC? First of all, it's 'notice' not 'noticei' and it's 'haven't' not 'havent'. Did you type this on an potato? Because if you did, then I understand, but apparently you didn't.
'Silver' should be capitalized - it's a name. 'Later,' not 'latter'. Haven't you ever heard of a period or a 'punctuation mark'? I hear they're very useful. 'Duke' should be capitalized. 'Tunnel Rat' should be capitalized. ALL the names should be capitalized. Where the hell do your sentences start? 'Red' is a nickname, and should be capitalized. Snake-Eyes is NOT Japanese. The last time I checked, he has blond hair and blue eyes, which makes him anything BUT Asian. If I'm Caucasian and I speak Japanese, does that make me Japanese? No! That just means I speak the language.
Also, Silver just screams 'Mary-Sue'. Do you know what a Mary-Sue is? It's basically a female character who is too 'perfect' for the story's good. I sure as hell hope this is your first fic, because I don't think there's anywhere to go from this but up. Get a Beta reader, and brush up on your spelling and grammar. It's hard to create a Mary-Sue in the G.I. Joe universe, because all the members of G.I. Joe are very specialized in what they do, but congratulations - you somehow managed to. Brilliant. Do you know who Agent Helix is? Search her up. She's a 'Joe,' or she claims to be. You might as well change 'Silver' to 'Agent Helix'.
Correct this disaster, and you might redeem yourself as a writer.
| Asterisk78 chapter 5 . 3/31/2013
So. I'm glad you're putting yourself out there as a writer, but you've gotten several reviews that have commented on problematic aspects of your character and your grammar and punctuation. I'm not quite sure why you're not responding to their criticisms, but it seems facetious to state them again.
But I will tell you this: most betas are not interested in correcting grammar mistakes that appear to be a pattern, especially when they are things like dialogue punctuation. They're a resource for higher-level things, like pace and character development. So, before you start looking for a beta, learn how to do dialogue, some basic capitalization rules, and maybe take a look at some more common mistakes with regards to homophones. To begin with, your title should probably be capitalized.
Anyway, this isn't meant to discourage you. Everyone has to start somewhere. The key is perseverance and a constant drive to improve.
| N. Ockenfels chapter 3 . 3/31/2013
Mh, yeah, at least one beta would be good. While I won't just damn you story I have to say, that the superman-imitation (well, kind of) is just to juvenile for most readers. Just too much the typical teenager's dream that we all had - more or less - but would never write or talk out loud about. That's the reason why a lot of people won't like your story much.
Generally though I think you could grow (so to speak) into a good writer. You need a lot of betaing-help, so the story will be less compact and furiously-paced, not to mention easier to read, but I think you have potential. Aside of the grammar try to bring a few slower parts into it, especially some characterization of your heroe that is not sensational, so people can get to know her and feel for her. Perhaps even think about toning her down a bit.
Good luck and never give up easily.
| Guest chapter 5 . 3/30/2013
Are you challenged or just too lazy to give a damn? This story is all kinds of messed up. You need to learn to spell before you try to write anything.
| Guest chapter 4 . 3/30/2013
Your story just doesn't flow. It's awkward and choppy. Not only do you have words misspelled you have wrong words put down, tense errors, capitalization mistakes, and your grammar is horrendous. It's almost painful to read. The plot is awful but it's an improvement over the origonal, that's not saying much. You just suddenly change point of view in the first chapter. And the grammar and spelling mistakes, I can feel my I.Q. dropping. It's too fast paced. Fast paced can be good when it's done right, but this is done wrong in every way. The Joes fight Cobra, not fires, unless you're going by the 80's public service announcements. Oh yeah, the fire department lets wanted fugitives fight fires with them, that's how it works. Running into a burning building, how stupidly clichèd can you get? I mean really, it's a top floor jump that would kill any normal person, but SHE'S NOT NORMAL. And doing it with a dumb kid and a helpless fireman, ugh. At this point talking about her super strength is just pissing in the wind. Super strength, why not? There's nothing salvageable here, why not just see how bad it can be. And the spelling and grammar, eek. All in all this story insults my intelligence and needs to die.
| Akuma Kawashima chapter 3 . 3/21/2013
omg if this is your first time then you are doing great! but I'll give you some tips. first of all you should try to separate speaking parts in different lines, that will help make your story look longer. two just give more detail, be specific because you want the reader to paint a picture in their mind. but overall keep up the good work! :D
| Guest chapter 1 . 12/4/2012
Yes, the summary got our attention. WTF is mested? It's not a word. The same with seconed.
| Guest chapter 1 . 12/4/2012
you need to add coma's and periods though out your paragraphs. to many cote marks. take a breath, say a sentance, ad a period. just like this. I'll do it...what about you" as he pointed to were Scarlet had shot her. other then that your good.