Reviews for Her Deepest Secret
Guest chapter 12 . 12/2/2013
heja
Gemini Explorer chapter 1 . 11/16/2013
I am hopeful that we can all recall that the space for reviews is for reviewing stories, not for attacking other reviewers who have posted a valid opinion or expressed a wish to see more of a favorite character.
I know dolphinrain from a couple of other boards, and she seems a nice lady whose favorite characters are Ned and Veronica, especially Ned. I can't see that it hurts to say so, hoping that this author may feature them more heavily in her next Fic. If you want to post rude insults, please find the courage to use a real board name where you can be replied to via PM and reserve this space for honest review comments.
Crude slurs toward other reviewers don't help. They do not make you seem a man; just a coward with a foul manner, hiding in anonymity.
dolphinrain chapter 2 . 11/15/2013
Poppin Korn Dogg, you are the rudest person. if you have a problem, p.m. me personally.
dolphinrain chapter 1 . 11/14/2013
I have said I liked this story and nice ending. I just wish there had been a little more Ned and Veronica. Would someone please tell me what's wrong with that?
Evangeline Harris chapter 14 . 11/14/2013
Interesting story and nice to read one that is finished. But like Gemini and others say, there are far too many spelling and grammar errors and the plot hangs a bit at times which affects the pace. I was not a big fan of the lizard/human relationship but I was a big fan of Tribune in the show, great voice and sense of humour. In your intro you say this story is set between Trapped and HOTS but can't quite see it fitting there, simply because Marguerite is pregnant in your story and pregnant enough to feel movements so that would have made her very pregnant or a Mother by the episode HOTS?! But please work on your proof reading, I nearly gave up in frustration at all the errors. Just because it's FanFic doesn't mean you shouldn't try to get the basics right. Hope to read more from you in the future, well done.
dolphinrain chapter 14 . 11/13/2013
Nice ending but too little with Ned and Veronica. I know they were just along for the ride but still.
Gemini Explorer chapter 13 . 10/21/2013
Your action scenes are reasonably believable, and I'm glad that Finn had a good role and survived. Ned's wound may be pretty serious, and I hope he fares well. Finn wouln't stab a lizard man in the shoulder, unless she could stick him on top, between the shoulder and the neck. Her goal would be the subclavian artery, a quickly fatal blow. From behind, she'd stab him in the kidney and then try to cut his throat as he fell. For what it''s worth, I know of a South African case where a man tried to stab a crocodile attacking a friend. He couldn't pierce the hide and had to stab it in the eye, which drove it off. Don't guess those lizard nen had hides as tough and thick as a croc's.

You still have a very grave problem as an author in your terrible spelling. I told you previously that you need to distinguish between "thrown" and "throne." Also, proofread for where you need commas and avoid using "your" when you need "you're." Sound the same, but very different words!

Read more and pay attention to how authors spell.

Overall, this final chapter was better than I'd expected, and I'm giving you credit for using Finn so well. As you know, she's my sweetie from the show, ha! You handled Ned and Veronica well, too. And that brunette couple, M&R: I think you should have had them embrace better and accompany one another to save Finn and the lizard people. I'd have probably had tthe tale end with M&R together in bed, discussing what this all meant to them and to those on the Plateau. Their closeness and increased committment would be apparent. But that's a judgement matter, and requires a Mature Rating.

You have some ability as an author, but just plain have to learn to spell common words and use them correctly. Normally, I'd quit reading a Fic if an author spelled, "throne" as "thrown." But I sort of like you and want to encourage you. And I had to read to be sure that Finnykins emerged okay from the strife. BTW, you should have had Challenger more concerned about her. I feel sure that he'd be worried about her.
dolphinrain chapter 13 . 10/21/2013
exciting chapter. I'm sorry to see it ending. but I guess all good tthings must come to an end sometime.
dolphinrain chapter 4 . 10/16/2013
The chapters are well written and put together. The drama is nice and emotional.
I will make a small observation, As for Ned, granted he may not have Roxton' s experience with women, but I honestly doubt he'd have any problem knowing what to do with Veronica beyond a kiss. Most of the time with him, I think he just has respect for Veronica to not sleep with her at the drop of a hat.
dolphinrain chapter 12 . 10/16/2013
just read through your story and while a little long, thought it was good. Wish there was more Ned and Veronica but still very nice. But I love The Lost World and am usually glad for any story here. The Lost World needs to be found again!
And as for taking your time with the story, that's fine so long as you do finish. Too many stories go unfinished. Some have been left hanging for 10years.
Gemini Explorer chapter 11 . 7/7/2013
Thanks for the dedication, a most unexpected-but-welcome surprise!

You have done a fine job this time, although you need to correct where you once spelled "throne" as "thrown" and insert some commas where needed. "Explorer" is misspelled in one place. Just needs basic, ruthless proofreading...

I like the shifts in italics and normal prose to change time references, and Malakai did a good job of telling Challenger about the past that led to their present situation. You made all of this plausible, or as much so as any relationship betwen a lizard and a girl can be. Did you see, "Basic Instinct"? Remember the scene where Sharon Stone's character, an author, said that a book of fiction must sometimes achieve suspension of disbelief? I think you've done that, at a level that most readers will accept.

The plot is advancing nicely, the characters are more clear, and relationships are developed. Everyone is on stage and the fuse is lit for the climax to explode in your text. It will be interesting to see how this plays out.

It's a good story, and you deserve copious reviews. I don't know why readers are so stingy with reviews, especially when they are so well deserved.
Gemini Explorer chapter 10 . 6/22/2013
Olivia-

Good chapter! It reads better than most, and advances the action nicely. Things that need to be corrected, better explained, or just praised:

1. Finn's dress. How'd she manage to carry those knives on a leather belt under that "simple frock"? I once had a model wear a knife in a leg sheath under a dress for a magazine article. She had a lot of trouble keeping the knife in place. It's harder than it was for that CIA chick on the silly TV show where they worked out of a Best Buy type store as a cover. A boot sheath for a knife while in a really long dress will work, but if Finn is searched or just poses as a slave or village girl/refugee, , she will not be allowed boots; more like sandals. I see her dress as being very like that one worn by Veronica in the episode where the Martians had enslaved her to repair their space ship. And I doubt that Finn would strip as soon as she's in that room, and say she hated the dress. Is she supposed to wear anything but lingerie under the "simple frock"? I'd have weapons smuggled in under the straw or blankets in the slave wagon, if the guards won't check it, seeing as how the humans seem to be cuffed and leg fettered, in the cage wagon like in, "More Than Human." (TV episode) But if they'd be placed in communal cells with other humans, the weapons couldn't be delivered to them until just before they made a play to escape and attack the enemy. You could have Finn tie a length of line around her waist or put it in her bra. It wouldn't show unless she was disrobed, and her movements within the dress as she bent or sat wouldn't tighten the dress and show any bulges from hidden weapons. That light rope could be used to strangle a guard.

2.) Dialogue? Yes, Finn would use terms like "crappy." She is Anglo-Brazilian, but talks like a modern American. Good catch!

3.) "Blonde" vs. "blond." Controversial. I use "blonde" for women.

4.) Proofread better. Spelling, punctuation, etc. Look out for things ike where you have Ned in the italics portion about him and Vee not thinking "gentlemanly" thoughts. You just have "gentleman". And Finn'd be a "refugee", not a "refuge", which is where a refugee might go!

5.) The secret tunnel cannot be as secret as you say if it already has torches lit in the walls. Who maintains those?!

6.) I llike George's talk with Malakai that showed some sentiment on Malakai's part. I'm realy left cold by most of your lizard people. But you explained very well why Malakai might want Naomi as his wench or servant. If she was to be more, you need to get them together better. Have her submit to get his favor (you partly did that) and have him come to cherish her beyond taking her physically. Otherwise, it's hard to picture a real emotional bond between them. Maybe she takes care of him, nurturing him, admiring him, when they're alone, or even in public, to the point that other lizard men tease him about his devoted human girl? Might that not touch his heart?

If you are still unsure who to kill off in the next chapter, I'd spare all of the Treehouse crew. You need them for further fics and all have very strong fans who'll be very upset if you kill "their" character.

Overall, your writing has improved and is tighter and leaner, more professional. You seem to be thinking more before writing. It may help if you sit and "see" all aspects of a scene before writing it. If you picture Finn trying to hide knives under a loose, probably short, dress, you'd see how that dress hugs her (even if a little loose) and moves as she does. You'd realize that the shape of a weapon would show. I promise you as a man, guys would be looking at Finn move. stretch, and walk. Even the male lizard guards might admire her. Veronica has the same "problem." But she does wear a belt with her outfit and it has hidden knives in the back. Not a bad idea, unless she gets knocked on her back and the knives injure her spine. Modesty Blaise in the books by Peter O'Donnell sometimes had a hairpiece that pulled apart to become a judo stick/yawara/kongo. It could be seen and not recognized as a weapon. She had another designed to pull free of her purse and otherwise look like the handle to secure the flap of the purse. She had other items besides her guns, inc. a lipstick that fired tear gas, but that is probably beyond the means available to the Treehouse girls. If left in her regular clothes, Marguerite does wear boots and can easily have a pocket sewn into a boot top to carry the flick knife/switchblade that she took from Avery Burton in, "Trophies", incidentally one of my favorite episodes. The men can put knives in suitable sheaths in their boots, too, if they pull their trousers down over the boots.

Keep thinking before writing and "see" the characters move as they would and feel their attitudes and thought processes. Get to know them. I do like the idea of Finn in a short dress like Vee's in that Martian episode, probably plain gray or oatmeal in color, as befits a garment for a slave girl not being dressed to entertain a master that evening. (In that event, she'd probably be given a short silk-like gown.)

Don't wait too long to publish the next scene. I have gotten really interested in this story, and not just because you are giving Finn a larger role. She will serve you well as a writer, but you're doing better with all of the characters. I like the idea of getting Ned and Vee more involved. Have Ned get a good liplock on her and feel her stir in his arms and have them know that it's just the prelude to more! All the hot action in fics does not have to be about M&R! Of course, you need to get them together and fulfilling one another, too. If it helps, I can tell you that the feedback I get and the greatest number of views comes from stories where M&R get hot and heavy in bed. But you are not writing in the Mature section so will need to cruise carefully in what you actually have everyone doing, romantically. But I've seen some writers knock on the doors of the M-rated fics and still publish in this section of the board.

Sorry for the long review, but I hate to just say, "great little story" and not tell you anything that can really help you to improve. PM me if I can help more. I can offer more advice confidentially, if you prefer.

GE
ficscribbler chapter 9 . 6/4/2013
This story has a lot of intriguing facets. Naomi and Calia have developed into well-rounded characters, and a better picture of Malakai is developing, too. It's nice to see others standing up to Tribune, and I'm looking forward to seeing how you tie everything together to deal with the traitor. Thank you for sharing the continuing story.
Kawells chapter 8 . 5/17/2013
Fab story! Can't wait for the next chapter!
Gast chapter 8 . 5/13/2013
Endlich ein neues Kapitel! Ein spannendes erstes Zusammentreffen nach 15 Jahren, super erzählt. Bin gespannt wie Naomi und Marguerite als geballte Krux-Frauenpower das Königreich zurückerobern.
Bitte schnell weiter so.
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