|Reviews for Mass Effect: A Deteriorating Antiphon|
| MizDirected chapter 3 . 8/27/2014
"How wrong we were."
Ha! Might as well have been... what could possibly go wrong. lol
Lots of telling. Just lots. A lot of it is simple verb substitution. Swap out the was's and were's for more evocative verbs. And I'm not sure how the plot was progressed through this chapter. Most of it was exposition or exposition disguised as dialogue. I am not sure why the whole mission and payment was not hammered out before hand. It's just not the way it is done. I do like the insight into the galaxy that the black ops team being for hire brings into it. Shows how badly everyone is struggling.
The huge chunk of the stuff about Earth needs to be where you are discussing Earth, not in the middle of sorting a mission on Omega. That stopped everything dead and sent it somewhere else.
Still no sense of who Marcus is. He completely has us blocked out of his head. We need to start getting into his head a bit more so that we care about him or hate him, or whatever. The bit about him having been dead is interesting. Weird, but interesting. Can't wait for that reveal.
I'm certain that their mission on Omega will not prove to be as simple as all that, and the little volus will complicate things. As I say in the line by line, if you want us to follow your character through things like complaining about races being marginalized, and then be incredibly racist and abusive against someone ... we need to see the reason. The volus just walked into the room and was attacked for no reason. And that was okay with everyone. Even Kirrahe... when he was giving them information. Very strange, and it lost both Marcus and Thionan a lot of my respect. They didn't take part, but they were bullies and racist nonetheless.
I did a line by line edit that I will email. If you do not want line by line, but rather more general crit, please do let me know as they take quite a long time.
It's an intriguing universe left behind after the war. Dark, ugly, poor and dirty, as it would be. Great work making that plain throughout.
| Lady Amiee chapter 3 . 6/19/2014
Wow this was chilling. I love it! You know what I really like, is how it's first person, yes, but it's also We and Us, there's a really interesting depth to that that I am not awake enough to put into words. That's always my problem with reviewing you, dear heart. I struggle to find anything to not like or to crit.
I adore your prose, and find it to be some of the best I've read. This is going to sound so cheesy, but I would love to learn to be like you in my writing. Your imagery and mastery of words is amazing to read, and I never get bored.
I love to read your work because it's not repetitive in the word use, even in combat or dialogue where it's harder to mix things up for me. Love this so hard!
| Osage chapter 33 . 4/3/2014
This is it! What a truly beautiful ending. I suppose this is more of an epilogue but that does not diminish its effect. What started as an introspective journey into the mind of a troubled soul ends with a newfound meaning. I'm glad Marcus was able to look back at his life fondly. Weather he's dead or alive remains an interesting mystery, but just knowing he's in a better place makes it alright. My only complaint was the lack involvement from the Normandy crew towards the end. I mean they rescued Liara and then their POV was abruptly left hanging. I just thought there would be more to that.
I'm stoked that Liara and Garrus made it through alive! They are honestly the best couple and it was wonderful to read something that portrayed their relationship so genuinely. It's been a very fun ride, Aeternix. I look forward to reading more of your stories!
| Osage chapter 32 . 4/3/2014
Ha! Man that was definitely Trip City. I can't decide if both men had lost it or if Thionan was really there. Whatever the case he served his purpose and finally got Tyson to move his ass. I always knew he would deliver the killing blow but not by self sacrifice. Guess I underestimated our hero and his fear of heights. It's good to see Shepard up and about, though I'm unsure of what he can do at this point since the galaxy is on a trajectory to the sun. Great twist! Onwards to the grand finale!
| Osage chapter 31 . 4/3/2014
Then there was one! It seems like Raven has fully crossed over to the dark side and crushed everyone in his way. I knew Finnegan was nearing the end of his use but I never imagined him going out that way. Finding the love of your life only to end up dead seconds later should be a cautionary tale for Tyson, yet it seems to only fuel his cause. What binds him so magnetically to Raven? Is it because he's given up on himself? Or is he waiting for the perfect opportunity to cut the head off the snake? So many delicious questions!
I was moved by each major character's death. Biasheta was a rabid dog that needed to be put down, but at the same time her blind devotion made her a victim to a mad man. Same goes for Siphon who happened to find meaning in a false god. Prince was surprisingly accepting of his fate when I thought he would be the one to fight back the most. But I suppose the theme is that these folks have already given up on themselves and thus welcome the end if it means fulfilling their 'master's' wish.
I noticed a few parts here:
"Unfortunately her body did to share the same tenacity."-this sentence needs to be fixed.
"She heaved and vomited across the groung,"-ground is misspelled
"Trying to will herself to her feet, Liara found she had no more strength to move. All the energy had been focused on that first assault. Nothing remained in her system. She threw up again on the floor."-since you mentioned her throwing up in a recent paragraph, it seems redundant here, especially the ground part.
These are more of these minor things but it was nothing that took away from the story. My only recommendation is a thorough line by line edit to clean up the spelling and tighten the sentences. Now then, onwards toward the next build-up!
| Osage chapter 30 . 1/4/2014
This was a nice transitional chapter. The role of the crucible is clearer now, still quite complex because I'm not sure how it could be hacked, but it gets it's use across. The Normandy seems to have entered a state of reflection and lament with all the old quotes and jokes flying around. That's starting to sound more and more like last words and sayings, which means blood is about ready to be spilled, I just hope it's the right color. You've taken them from the brink of despair and defeat into an operational unit that can do the galaxy proud. I'm amazed with their resilience, but I also know that they might not survive another slice off the top. How many leaders must die before a team gives up?...I worry about poor Garrus.
| Osage chapter 29 . 12/30/2013
This was the perfect chapter title. Shade has taken so many shocks to the system that I thought he could handle whatever lay beyond Finnegan's warning. But oh how wrong I was! That gruesome scene was horrific and I didn't see any of it coming. The beautiful quarian councillor sounded like she was headed for a bigger role, so this surprise is totally out of left field and that is a good thing. It keeps us on our toes as to what comes next. I don't know Raven's final plans, but this chapter pretty much confirms the state of his fragile mind and psyche. I don't know the final end game for this mad man, but I hope it's something that will leave those he deceived standing...at least what's left of them.
As for Shade and Geisha, they seem to have come a long way but are far from happy. I don't know how their little fairy tale will survive what's about to come, but I hope for Tyson's sake that he will not be clouded by her charms and will do what's right in the end. This is some amazing work that always keeps me guessing. Bring on the rest of it and let's see how this cleansing ends.
| Osage chapter 28 . 12/17/2013
Well damn! You win some, you lose much more in this universe. I was so happy for the Normandy crew, finally getting their asses out of dodge with everything intact. But it seems like happiness is a fleeting thought in this universe. I don't know how the tech will help them, but judging from the fact that I came from the Alliance moon base, I'm guessing it will tie into EDI? If that's the case then some actual happiness might be on the horizon and for that I'm excited! There was a lot of action this chapter and you handled it really well. I never had to guess where anyone was or what they were doing, all were accounted for. My only complaint was the name of the Defiance. The Alliance has specific naming conventions for their ships, depending on what type they are. Dreadnaughts are named after mountains, Cruisers after Cities, frigates after famous battles and carriers after famous academics. Not a huge deal, but considering how everything else fits perfectly into the Mass Effect timeline, I thought you should know. Overall it seems like with the last pieces falling in place, we're creeping closer towards the end game and I can't wait to see what's in store!
| Osage chapter 27 . 11/3/2013
Ah, a nice break from the emotional climax of the last chapter. I like how despite Tyson's deteriorating psychological state, he finds these moments of strength and starts to question Raven. I just hope Raven's little recollection doesn't end with a bang. One can never tell with that guy!
Garrus seems to be the referee again. While I understand Tali's state, I hope she won't become another Ashley who constantly butts heads with Liara. This is why losing her was bitter sweet, sure we lost a great soldier, but at the same time there would be less bitching without Ash. Though it's hard to tell how Tali will handle the reality of John's condition in the long run. I mean he's not getting better...
The stage is set for a great showdown. I just hope that when the smoke clears, there'll be enough people left standing to root for.
| Osage chapter 26 . 10/15/2013
Well holy smokes! Never had I imagined that Thionan would go out like that. I mean a first I thought there'd be some turn around, or an extended cat and mouse game, but the truth is that all of that is standard. What you did instead was powerful. Thionan highlighted exactly why Marcus is in this haze and took partial responsibility, something I never thought I'd see.
Hearing Thionan's backstory made his last few words all the more powerful. The bond between these 'once brothers in arms' comes full circle when their history is simultaneously presented with the search. I could literally feel the dispair in Marcus' mind with each thought of the past, this only strengthened the build-up and pay off.
My only critiscism is that there weren't enough scenes between Zealot and Thionan to justify something as strong as her shooting him, then wanting to Shade to pull the trigger on her. She seemed really loyal to Raven and the cause, eliminating a traitor sounds like something that she could handle. This made it seem like she saw Thionan as much more than that.
Other than that, your writing is incredible. I think my jaw dropped at the sheer beauty of the italicizes bits. So cold in their cynicism, determined in their self-hatred and disdain for all humanity. It's crazy powerful! Well done.
| Lachdannen chapter 2 . 9/19/2013
Starting to get a better idea about where this is heading. Very intriguing interpretation of the post Cruicible firing. I've become used to the much happier, much brighter versions that having something that is clearly NOT sunshine and puppy dog tails is actually rather interesting to me.
I am definitely looking forward to continuing reading. I loved the seen with the Salarian and the memorial and how you put him on the spot.
I think my only question, and it might get answered later is Bailey. One of the things that is never explained is what happened to everyone on the citadel when the reapers seize it and move it to earth. So I hope to find out what happened to Bailey, how he got out, ect. Anyway, keep it up! Looking forward to more :)
| Lachdannen chapter 1 . 9/17/2013
Bit of a somewhat slow start, but it definately sets the tone, sets you up for a variety of ways to take it. I didn't see any major grammar or punctuation, but that isn't my strongest point admittedly. Feels well written, and clear. I think the only real crit I have is that it doesn't immediately draw me in, in some way. Nothing wrong just...I don't see where its heading yet, if that makes sense? Have to see where you take it though, lot of possibilities. Keep up the good work!
| LegionN7 chapter 6 . 9/12/2013
Your ability yo weave these threads so finely continues to amaze me.
Raven is one of those highly interesting characters who you're never quite sure of... And Thionan being a spy? Nice twist there. I was able to feel Marcus' range of emotions he went through, so vivid was your portrayal. Cant wait to see how this continues playing out!
| Osage chapter 25 . 9/10/2013
How ironic is it that Thionan, the guy who first got him into this mess with Raven, turns up to get him out in the end? And at what a sacrifice! This chapter was stunning with its revelations. I think the big reveal from Rhetoric ( that finally confirms that the italicizes bits are Ravens) was very well done. It was certainly unexpected and was overall fantastic. I kind of wish she didn't break down, because that is a typical action for such an event, and after you subverted the 'making out with my therapist who's trying to heal me' cliche, I guess I expected something different. Though it's not bad by any means.
To anyone who was on the fence in regards to Tyson's humanity, he's pretty much solidified himself as a jerk in this chapter. He knew Raven was unhinged, yet instead of blowing the whistle he chose the defeatist route and went along with being bait. I don't think absolution of the highest order will save him now, but I guess that's what makes his character such a compelling read. Keep up the great work! I can't wait to see what note this ends on.
| LegionN7 chapter 5 . 9/10/2013
Powerful chapter. The state of the crew, even after a decade affected that strongly really shows the legacy of Shepard. Also, Ashley being a hardass is interesting, especially to Garrus. Most stories usually have those two as battle buddies, but I think I like your approach.
The galaxy has no peace, and the nuclear bomb is certainly going to have some interesting effects. Cant help but think of Virmire though. Great chapter!