|Reviews for Gunslinger girl:The other side|
| EgyLynx chapter 53 . 1/16/2013
| EgyLynx chapter 52 . 1/11/2013
wery intresting C
| EgyLynx chapter 51 . 1/7/2013
:( something sad but yo take it out wery well!
| EgyLynx chapter 50 . 12/28/2012
... again to be continued...
well, good work. or well.
| EgyLynx chapter 49 . 12/26/2012
continue? how long this be?
| taerkitty chapter 2 . 9/12/2012
Dates. Dates are important, but only sometimes. Establishing the setting after the nuclear plant battle was already done in the first chapter, so reiterating here is redundant.
"Joining." Hmm. That's somewhat odd a word to use for this sort of thing. "Recruited" may be better, but given the state of the girls, "harvested" may be a better, if impersonal choice. However, the whole cyborbg implants, mental conditioning, training, etc. will likely take longer than 2 days.
You can say, "I'm the author, and if I say it takes 2 days, it takes 2 days." However, the reader can then respond, "If you say it takes 2 days, I find that hard to believe." See, the art of fiction is suspending disbelief. Better by far to err on the side of encouraging the reader to continue to believe the fiction than to insist on "author's rights."
Likewise, Jean showing disbelief on his face is hard to imagine. (Heck, Jean showing *anything* on his face is hard to imagine!) SWA handlers tend to be an impassive bunch. Olga or Priscilla, maybe. Jean? Not as I see him.
Hm, Yuki recognizes Ai. I thought the cyborgs were brain-wiped of their past. (For many, it's a blessing.)
Keep in mind that each of these questions are a distraction to the reader, where the reader has to reconcile what he or she has seen in the source material with what is being presented in this story. While they may be again "this is the way it is because I say this is the way it is," each time the reader pauses, you lose a bit more of their passion, their investment.
Yarrow and Gattonero. They're not introduced, they're not even established to be present. They simply materialize. Once more, the reader is left wondering if he or she missed their entrance.
End of chapter. While the beginning of a chapter (other than the first one) can be relatively weak, the ending needs to have delivered something to the reader. This chapter introduces Ai to us, both as a character, and as Yuki's sister. However, the "return on investment" is rather low. We read an entire chapter to meet her, and her handler (and Yarro / Gattonero, with comment above.) They aren't memorable characters, so the chapter leaves me wondering what was its point.
| taerkitty chapter 1 . 9/11/2012
Opening: Decent, but not strong. Sets the time, the place. There are some grammar issues - specifically, the tenses. "Agencies" should be singular, while "country" probably should be plural. It doesn't have a good hook, a good sense of place or character. It seems to want to jump right into the action.
Continuing on, there seems to be some language difficulties. I'll not nitpick them further, but it may help to have a partner who is fluent in English help smooth those out.
With the Petrushka / Claes conversation, each speaker should have her own paragraph.
The love in her heart bit is too much tell. I'd suggest letting it grow organically over time. It's difficult to avoid the temptation of simply telling something so intangible, but it's better for the story.
Chapter ending: It closes the scene nicely. The source material has many anti-climatic chapter endings, so this is prefectly in keeping with that. My only question is who the focus will be on: Petrushka / Sandro, or Yuki / Kai. It started with Yuki, but closes with Petra.
| yuki kazuhiko chapter 1 . 7/26/2012
A gunslinger girl fanfiction by GattoNero( Yuki Kazuhiko) based from Gunslinger manga by Aida of my first character "yuki" getting around with other cyborg...i know it's a short fanfic but hey...it's an intro...