|Reviews for When We Interfered|
| michal613 chapter 3 . 8/31/2012
wow can't wait for next chapter!
| Ashlyn Darcy chapter 3 . 8/31/2012
Right. Fine. Constructive, NICE, criticism coming your way right now. You can tell your mom that if you want.
Okay, firstly, I don't really suppose the Death Eaters (capital 'D' and 'E') would know about the Phoenix Files, which I infer is a book series. Personally, what I imagine is that the Death Eaters would burn the Dark Mark into her arm.
Perhaps you should add Mia's reaction to getting put under the Cruciatus Curse. One wouldn't just stand there calmly, one would be writhing and screaming on the floor. Also, you haven't yet stated why the Death Eaters want Mia's help.
Wait... wasn't Eloise the descendant of Slytherin? I hope that this can be clarified soon enough. In the last chapter, it is Eloise who finds out that she's a descendant of Slytherin.
Okay, the last part got me very confused. Please proofread the following carefully:
I heard the door creak open, and looked up. That's when I saw Eloise. "Hi," I said, and she copied my greeting, a big grin on her face. "What's gotten you so happy?" I asked, and she just grinned wider.
"What's gotten you so sad?" I sighed, and started to wipe away my tears.
"Because… the Slytherins cornered me, then took me to V-Voldemort, and I found out I'm not a Muggle-born. My last name is S-Slytherin." I was prepared for the worst, but Eloise just frowned.
"How is that making you sad, dear sister?" I opened my mouth in shock, and she grinned again.
"Yeah, I'm happy for the same reason you are sad. We're sisters, but you seemed horrified at being a Slytherin. But for me… I'll just show you." She stopped speaking, and lifted up her left sleeve. There, right before my eyes, was a very bright (not bright, just not dull) black Dark Mark. I clapped my hand over my mouth and screamed into it.
So, Mia first asked Eloise why she was happy, then she asked her why she was sad. Would you mind just picking one emotion and sticking with it? You have Eloise grinning happily but then telling a rather sorry tale. Also, it hasn't been known that Mia's a descendant of Slytherin yet, so how could Eloise possibly know?
This chapter was a little short and doesn't have a whole lot of information. I suggest you have Mia tell Eloise that she's a descendant of Slytherin rather than have your readers puzzle over it.
| The Blue MM chapter 2 . 8/27/2012
DUDE! WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT! I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE CALL ME MIMI UNLESS I TOLD THEM NOT TO. and dude, whats with the 'i'm eloise slytherin thing' and you didn't really explain much about me, which you were supposed to! we organised that it would be one person each chapter! not a little bit of me then the rest you! hog. but other then a few minor details, it was great! i liked the little twists, and yeah, you really have to get over the harry thing, becuase didn't you get it already? i don't like him in real life, only in the story. SO STOP HARRASING ME IN CLASS!
| Ashlyn Darcy chapter 1 . 8/27/2012
Brilliant. Enter Eloise, a typical Mary-Sue. I bet that this is going to happen:
-Eloise and Draco grow closer
-Eloise and Draco go to the Yule Ball together
-They get married and survive the war
Now, let me ask you a question. Do you not think that it's too predictable? Honestly, make her HATE and utterly LOATHE Draco when she first meets him, because of the way he behaves! Also, we need more freakin' details. Don't use the retarded 'Ooo'. EXPAND your ideas and little snippets. WHAT engaging conversation with Harry about Muggles? WHAT did they decide to name the robots that make no sense?
What the hell is wrong with this story? I'll tell you what. First of all, Draco Malfoy is out of freakin' character. This is what he is like (inferred) in your story:
-Smiling at random girls, especially MUGGLE-BORNS (I'm inferring that your Eloise is a Muggle-born. Do you REALLY think that Draco Malfoy would ever even LOOK at a Muggle-born? I guess not.)
Look, you are DESTROYING and TRASHING the whole plotline with your crap. Why is that wretched Eloise telling them those things? Make her sound smart and knowing? NO. It's utterly horrible. Crappy.
This is what Draco's SUPPOSED to be like, until you trashed and twisted him:
-Mean to EVERY SINGLE GODDAMNED PERSON THAT ISN'T A SLYTHERIN
INCLUDE them in your story, don't twist him up and make him sound like a charming lad that smiles at the main character *cough*Mary-Sue*cough*.
"*FLASHBACK*" It's called 'FLASHBACK BEGINS' for your information. Whatever happened to the end of the freakin' flashback? Your Mary-Sue character ate him for dinner, perhaps? START and END your FLASHBACK in the same chapter. That way, readers won't be utterly confused.
. .Names. "Harry? Harry Potter?" It's "POTTER, HARRY!" Get your facts right before you start writing.
Look, this crappy fic is NOT, and I repeat, NOT going to work. So what if your utterly ridiculous Mary-Sue saved Sirius and rescued Ginny? That's the whole POINT of the freakin' series. It wasn't created for some stuck-up writer to come over and say "You know what? I'll create a Mary-Sue and solve all the problems in the Harry Potter world! That way, everyone's happy!"
"He motioned for his 'friends' to leave, then pointed to a nearby book. "Grab it on three, Mudblood." He snarled. "One…. Two…...Three!" We both grasped the book, and I fell on my back in a heap." What the hell's that supposed to mean? Why would Mia ever grab the book? See, this is what puts readers off.
I like the fact that Draco is nastier in chapter two, but make him LOATHE every single damned person and not even feel remorse!
HORRIBLE FREAKIN' ENDING for chapter two. Eloise Slytherin? There are NO more freakin' descendants of Slytherin with his name! And Voldemort's actual form didn't even exist until the end of the fourth book! Have you even PICKED UP a Harry Potter book? READ IT. GET YOUR FACTS RIGHT. A fanfic with horrible and exceedingly un-canon facts is the worst kind of fanfiction.
Stick to canon. Get your facts right. Actually READ the Harry Potter books. If you want to add canon characters into your story, make sure they STAY canon and not suddenly act all sweet and nice to nothing more than a freakin' Mary-Sue.
-Ashlyn Malfoy, a Critic
| the blue MM chapter 1 . 7/31/2012
AAAAAHHH! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU PUT THAT IN!(YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!) and thanks for the favour(starts with an R) btw, it needs a little bit more of me in there. AND HURRY UP AND GET TO THE GOOD PART BECUASE I KNOW WHAT IT IS!