|Reviews for So close, Yet so far|
| KirbyMLPPokemonfan1 chapter 1 . 12/16/2014
This is a great story! The first chapter needs a little working on, though, but you did great! :)
| Akktri chapter 11 . 8/27/2014
""Whoa, whoa. Slown down there, blunt-boy. It's contagious" The brunette uttered unflinchingly, her voice making me sigh in relief."
And then she kisses him, spreading whatever disease it is to him. This makes me want to do a romance fanfic about Outbreak.
"My heart was beating for love. I lost control of all my senses and leant in, kissing her with everything I had. My heart nearly exploded through my chest, my stomach flip-flopping a million times. The brunette moaned into the kiss, driving me insane."
Nausea, impaired vision, heart palpitations, mild vertigo. Definitely sounds like he caught a disease. I only make the joke because I'm still trying to get over the idea of making out with someone who has the flu.
Nick's parents seem unusually permissive in sexual matters. They don't even care if Nick is alone with Miley in the bedrooom.
BTW, you should break separate thoughts into separate paragraphs, like that bit about the mom telling him he can't make out in the bedroom. Right now they're running together and becoming unreadable.
| Akktri chapter 10 . 8/27/2014
Still sick from an unknown malady, and conveniently trapped in her boyfriend's bedroom. There's some innuendo about what she's doing with the door closed, but other than that, nobody is saying "she's faking this illness so she can skip school and sleep with her boyfriend!"
| Akktri chapter 9 . 8/27/2014
Okay, why did she throw up and pass out, and why did the doctor leave without finding out? Why didn't she go to a doctor's office or a hospital? Why is she suddenly fine now? Was it all an act? It seems like a plausible explanation, except that she puked.
| Akktri chapter 8 . 8/24/2014
It seems that you neglected to write "passed out" in the previous chapter. It's common in the northeast for people to say someone "passed" when they died.
Unless you actually intended to describe a miraculous resurrection.
Again, you wore out Miley's name. Change some of those Mileys to "she" or something.
I think you should omit the "love nest" interior dialog. Those kids are too young to be feathering any love nest, and feathering means to redecorate and to bring in money with which to redecorate. And why the doctor next door would be encouraging them in the birds and the bees confuses me, too. Mind your own business, grandpa.
I'm not sure what's wrong with Miley, but I'm suspecting either pregnancy or Captain Tripps. Of course, either one would require some supporting details in the previous chapters.
| Akktri chapter 7 . 8/24/2014
So you're killing off Miley? Now that's an interesting twist! Hint: If you plan to kill a character off like that, it's best to drop hints about it early. Nothing too obvious, but maybe some omens, like black cats crossing her path, ravens, or maybe, more useful, a better hint about why she's dying. Throwing up in and of itself means nothing. Throwing up and having dilated pupils and hallucinations indicate drugs. High temperature or spots or sores or, well, anything that's a symptom of a disease or something fatal, anything mentioned in this paragraph would do wonders to tell the reader they're not going to be reading about puppies and kittens (well, not living ones).
Oh, and you wore out the name Miley. You have two sentences back to back where characters are doing something with Miley. You can solve this by changing one Miley to "she" or "her" or whatever. It's not like there are other women in the room.
| Akktri chapter 6 . 8/24/2014
I'm getting that creepy stalker vibe from Nick that I got from the prolog. Duct tape? He definitely could be a creepy killer type.
| Akktri chapter 5 . 8/24/2014
Okay, now I really don't buy it. "My girlfriend is sick. Can I take her to our house?" The answer is no, unless you want to give the whole family H1N1 or SARS or the flu.
Family letting boy take his girlfriend into his own bedroom? Not happening. Not without supervision. Also, kissing is a bad idea. First of all, she threw up. Second of all, you might catch whatever she's got.
| Akktri chapter 4 . 8/24/2014
I somehow don't think a teacher would let a student drive another student home during a school day. They'd much prefer a parent to do that job.
| Akktri chapter 3 . 8/24/2014
Not really sure why she's throwing up, except maybe that she got sick. If so, she could just say, "I'm sorry, Nick, I'm sick" and be done with it. But on the other hand, your prolog has a line about throwing up in his face or something. It would be funny if you brought that line back somehow.
| Akktri chapter 2 . 8/24/2014
Since you're working on the prolog, I won't bother pointing out the problems with the unexplained characters or skipping the introduction. By the way, I had to start on chapter 2 because chapter 1 was full of broken html coding.
In your prolog, you explain why Mylie runs away from guys when they get too close. Here, though, it reads like she has to go to the bathroom or something, or thinks he has the plague. No explanation given for her running off, except being really, really shy.
You have fiction on youtube? How does that work? Do you read it out loud or something?
You should check the chapter for typos, too. Spellcheck on MSword skips over things, so we get weird sentences like "you need to stay calmed"
| nileyforeverandever chapter 9 . 3/15/2013
I need to read more of this... It's awesome!
| Nicoleademoss chapter 9 . 2/5/2013
MAKE MORE MORE MORE MORE!
| Guest chapter 4 . 9/19/2012
awwwwwwww. i want my boyfriend to be like nickkk, but he's like "oh you want to hang out with me, wait untill i've played another four hours of world of warcraft" lol. :) updateee!
| Guest chapter 1 . 9/19/2012