|Reviews for Shades of Gray|
| Mission chapter 17 . 2/8/2013
Okay, it feels like I’ve been giving you negative reviews lately, and I don’t like being overly negative. So, having the day off, I decided to read the story from start to current, and give an overall assessment.
I’ve noticed there are times in either a character’s speech, or the description of a character’s action, in which you are overly repetitive. An example of this is in chapter 13.
“Just to tease her, Revan stretched and flexed his arms, just to tease Bastila, causing a small blush to appear on her face.”
Be careful of that in the future, it kinda disrupts the pace of the chapter.
Content. Saving the Jedi from the Spire, the lower city dueling ring, bringing Saran along, all are good points. I worry a bit in that with so many characters, it’ll be hard to keep some from falling into the background at times. That said, I’ve yet to read a story that’s gotten far with saving the spire Jedi, and Saran is a breath of fresh air. Curious to see how those two affect the journey.
For the most part you’re keeping characters in character. Carth is the only one that I have issues with. I believe he’d need to know more about the enemy Revan found beyond the outer rim before he’d even think about not turning him in, what with his trust issues. Especially given how he reacts in game when it’s discovered the player is actually Revan. Maybe this is a plot point you have for later in the story, but thought I’d bring it up.
The Jedi Counsel, I think you were laying it on a little thick there. If you want them to be exposed as totally hypocritical, then maybe you could have had Bastila or Melina express outright shock and disbelief in their actions, and then had Revan explain how he believed they became so corrupt. Would make it much more believable to the readers that way.
The second encounter, I’ve read at least two other fics where Revan reads the mind of a master or the whole counsel, passes out, and the counsel tries to mind wipe him. I will say you have the best version out of them all in that department. That said, with Vrook’s dialogue I got the mental image of a kid bouncing in joy for getting the coolest toy in town that no one else could get.
Not a pretty mental image when applied to the man, but the point I’m trying to make is that kind of expressiveness coming from a Master Jedi who’s trained years to keep his emotions in check? Or at least assuming that’s what one needs before becoming a Master anyways…point is, unless it was just after an extreme life or death situation, or an extremely stress filled one, I don’t see a Master expressing that much enjoyment.
Revan’s armor. I won’t bother with the fact that even if the lightsaber couldn’t be destroyed, the armor could be. When you were describing how he was putting on the separate pieces, it seemed rather bland and dry. I figure you were trying to keep the chapter moving at a smooth pace, but maybe a line about memories he had about each piece that served him well?
“Running his hand over the chest plate of his armor, memories rushed back to Revan of past battles as his fingers traced each dent.”
Something like that.
Revan walking around in full armor that identified him as a Sith Lord, in and around the Jedi Enclave, and no one bats an eyelash? No listed actions from settlers or other Jedi either. Sorry, but this doesn’t seem realistic to me.
That’s the big difference between a story and the game; in game you can mod your character to appear as Malak, Revan, Vrook, or anyone really, and the compute characters don’t notice the difference. With characters in a story, a sense of realism is almost expected; they don’t have solely scripted lines and interactions. Food for thought.
Finally, Revan’s announcement at the end of chapter 17. I’d think some people would become unnerved as the entirety of the situation was expressed like that. Without reading the next chapter, I don’t know if you intend to do any reassurances for characters, or what your plans are to validate that statement in the future about being enemies to the republic, but I’ll hold judgment there. Certainly interested on how Manaan will turn out if they’re enemies of the republic.
Overall, I’d give what you have up to chapter 17 a 7 out of 10. You got some original ideas and concepts, but how you present some of them and some of the characters needs a bit of work. I think I read somewhere that you were working on your own book, split focus tends to impact the quality of work you produce, or at least that’s what I’ve found. That said, I’d focus more on your book then this fan fic; this is fun, but the book can help you in life if it’s successful.
All in all, I hope you can take something from this assessment, and I do look forward to reading more of it, whenever that may be.
| Yuziel chapter 2 . 2/7/2013
Im really interested in the HK47-Story and his memory restoration when his true master shows up; same part with the Star Map on Kashyyyk.
Also like your writing style.
| Blinded in a bolthole chapter 1 . 2/6/2013
I have to say while I like the idea behind this story, I find the writing style rather rough and unrefined. The dialogs especially seem a bit forced.
An example: "..., so we're going to crash!" I think a " brace yourself! we're gonna crush!" and some curses would have been better. But then again it could be just me.
| Guest chapter 17 . 2/2/2013
This story keeps getting better :)
| Tager96 chapter 17 . 2/2/2013
Nice chapter cant wait till the next one
| general-joseph-dickson chapter 17 . 2/1/2013
This should be fun
| Above the Winter Moonlight chapter 17 . 2/1/2013
Very very good chapter. This was a good chapter. I hope that you update as soon as you possibly can.
| Matt Rogan chapter 17 . 2/1/2013
Carth sure has trust issues
| Danyael Prince chapter 17 . 2/1/2013
I love the Revan Robes in SWTOR, i've got the mask-chest-legs parts on my oldest character and she looks great in it... :)
Getting the Mask for 1-2 other characters is proving more difficult... :(
I'm also thinking about getting the Revanite Saberstaff...
(i'm guessing you can tell that i'm a fan of Revan?)
| RavenRose8 chapter 17 . 2/1/2013
| SaintOfAllSaints01 chapter 17 . 2/1/2013
Finely the action is coming up. Keep the chapters running.
| rebfan90 chapter 17 . 2/1/2013
| Guest chapter 16 . 1/29/2013
| Guest chapter 16 . 1/26/2013
the war was caused by the cowardice of the jedi council
| Above the Winter Moonlight chapter 16 . 1/26/2013
Very good chapter and I loved those four stupid Jedi Masters getting hit with Force lightning. FORCE LIGHTNING IS LIKE THE GREATEST FORCE ABILITY EVER.
Ahem...anyway...I really liked this chapter. And the Jedi Masters really shouldn't have angered Revan. (Shakes head and sighs) Idiotic morons.
Update as soon as you possibly can. :)