|Reviews for Digital Union: World Tournament|
| Crazyeight chapter 8 . 11/29/2012
I found that I liked the scene between Takato and Rika, though the flashback part could have used a scene separator to ease the transition between the two. I think, to some degree it even touches on something that might be a good idea to keep in mind on the backburner until it gets worked out a bit. Takato feeling jealous about the attention Rika got from Gregor felt somehow well-placed, and I wonder how it’ll effect things in the future. Doubtful that it’ll be much (and shouldn’t be I think), but it ensures that you aren’t sweeping things under the rug. Still…the abruptness of Rika’s temper with Takato in the flashback still seems a bit odd and unusually harsh given their friendship.
Overall, not much else to say. Definitely a more solid chapter. :)
| Crazyeight chapter 7 . 11/12/2012
Lol. Oh, so I’m a ‘poor guy’ now for beta-ing your chapters? :D
"It's just a little vacation with a few games of cards on the side. It's not like something bad will happen."
Damn it, Rumiko! That’s just *asking* for trouble! Don’t jinx this! XD
You know, I just thought of something. Considering how often Kentaro is generally not around when the regular canonical cast is, I could easily see a running joke starting where he’s never around when someone like Takato goes looking for him or is in the area, but he still somehow manages to get his job done anyway. XD
Not too much to say in regards to the chapter. My previous comments to you in my beta-read concerning the amount of characters and their conversations still stand, so we’ll be seeing how things look in the next chapter. ‘Till then. :P
| Crazyeight chapter 6 . 10/27/2012
Just noticed that the only sign you have of a scene separator is just an extra space between some scenes (not all, but it’s random what ones they keep and what ones disappear). This site has been very peculiar about that sort of thing since their last update, so in the future I’d suggest using something else for a scene separator.
The Ryouma scene is better in terms of length, and flows a little bit better, but I’m not sure what it accomplishes. Hm. Practice with character personalities might yield better results in the future? Oh, and I just noticed that the tournament is taking place in the Caribbean. Are governments okay with their Tamers leaving their jurisdictions in the event that a bio-emergence occurs and they’re not around? Just curious.
Takato’s scene with Jeri was definitely an improvement and the dialogue felt more natural. I’ll be interested in seeing how you portray Kentaro beyond the ‘he’s a wuss’ line (way to undersell the character who gets together with Jeri before he even appears by the way). Just out of curiosity, is this due to what we’ve discussed about his character previously?
Until next chapter.
| Crazyeight chapter 5 . 10/6/2012
*Takes deep breath* Time to review, so let’s get down to brass tacks. :D
This story, I feel, has a lot of potential. You as an author have a lot of potential. You’ve put in some stuff that surprised me and made it fit quite well into the story, namely the bit with Rika using a Spirit Evolution to get around her disadvantages. This was good, and it’s generally a good idea for the writer to surprise their audience, and I have to say it’s been a while since I was pleasantly surprised like this. So good on you for that. :) Another bit that I feel worked well was how you acknowledged the limitations of digivolving to Mega in the real world, created a workaround that sounded logical, and simultaneously took that ability away from the main Tamers. As you and I already discussed, it’s been done to death to have a lot of characters reach Mega and there’s rarely an attempt to place a limit on the characters that they have to get around, so this was good as well.
There are of course some snags. Most of this we covered throughout the beta’s, but some I’ll discuss here as well, hopefully in greater detail, and touch on bits that I haven’t discussed with you. The first is the OC’s. Now, unlike Frozen Twins I don’t feel that the OC’s are in too great a number at this moment, or at the very least they aren’t taking anything away from the story as the canon characters remain relevant in all areas that I can see. The problem that I see is that, aside from one or two, they’re not very memorable. Ryouma from chapter one seems kind of hard to pinpoint as something other than another Takato in my mind. While he doesn’t appear to be as clumsy or tongue tied as our ever-loving Gogglehead, he, like others, just doesn’t really have much that defines him as a character and I wasn’t sure what his place in the story was going to be (and still am not aside from the fact that for a while he seemed to constantly be hanging around Rika with touches of romantic undertones that felt almost forced). It’s the same problem that happened with Jeri’s boyfriend when you originally were going to introduce him some time back. He was a character, but there just wasn’t any real meat on him, and nothing that I saw that would have led Jeri to take him as her boyfriend, especially since topping Takato would be pretty hard to do, but I’ll touch more on the romance stuff in a bit. But back to the characters. Consuelo was perhaps the first character after Antonio that stood out to me. These two characters you described very well and their personalities stood out a lot better (less so for Antonio unfortunately, but he was still a cut above the others) in comparison to the others. However Consuelo seemed to have a little trouble being different once you started putting her in environs beyond her initial introduction.
We’ve touched on description and dialogue before, but I’ll do it here again just as a reminder. Be sure to sprinkle description among your dialogue where possible. Don’t overdo it, but just keep in mind that touching on movements, facial features, setting, etc…can help set the emotional mood that you would like to convey from the image in your mind. Just having characters speak isn’t going to be as effective as having characters speak and “raising his hands up just in case”. ;P Salt and pepper, my friend. Salt and pepper. Keep it in mind with your writing.
Now about the romance…and this is arguably the weakest part of the story. I’m not quite sure what to make of it. As a rule, romance is put in because readers like a little romance on the side (or full force, depending on the preference), but it should serve some kind of purpose in the story. Your Rukato bias aside, it seems as though you’re forcing a lot of it and I don’t see how it makes an impact on things beyond the one or two references where it does (such as the incident at Hypnos). The opening of the first chapter touched on it a little too soon I feel (something that I should have mentioned earlier as well) and was a bit too much exposition in regards to it, as opposed to showing that there was a problem but not elaborating on it directly. When you brought it in during a later chapter, where Rika was too direct in her anger in spite of the cited time that had passed since the incident that caused her problem with Takato, and then getting swept under the rug. It feels as though you want some level of complexity in your story, but it also feels as though you’re simplifying things too much. As a result, the story appears to fluctuate a great deal with what you want to do with it versus what your plans are for it and making things run smoothly. The problem between Rika and Takato would be a lot more believable if it had been more recent, and you were clearer on the incident that had caused it. From the first chapter, it seems that you’re drawing from the final Tamers film, specifically the original script where Takato asks Rika to go cherry-blossom watching with him. In this it’s hardly asking her out for a date as it was a distraction, but given the culture it’s easy to see how it could be seen in that light, and could easily have been compounded by Jeri finding a boyfriend later on (thus giving Rika even more of a wrong impression). I don’t know, but the angle concerning Jeri and her relationship with Takato doesn’t seem to be very well explored and I feel is the heart of the story difficulty with Takato and Rika’s relationship. Jeri hooking up with someone else is probably why I feel it’s forced because it gives the impression of ‘getting rid of Jeri so Rika can have Takato’ without touching on what could have caused the change to occur.
That’s not to say that every instance of Takato and Jeri’s relationship should be explored to justify Rukato, but when dealing with canon justifying Rukato becomes harder when you don’t touch on the Jurato aspect.
Overall, this is a good story, if a bit rough in terms of execution and development. You do a lot better when romance isn’t involved and are more focused on the advancement of the plot, but characters sometimes suffer from appearing all the same and not having a whole lot about them to be interesting or different. Likewise you need to make sure that you add regular amounts of salt and pepper to provide mood to a scene, and you ought to tone down on the exposition as you tend to ramble a bit, forgetting the plot at times when you do so. Practice makes perfect though, and the story is pretty solid, so let’s see what the next chapter brings. :)
| Frozen Twins chapter 4 . 9/26/2012
Entao... voce fala de portuguese muito vezes, entao eu vou deixa alguma palavras em portuguese por voce.
I'm sure that there was some much needed information about all the Oc stuff, but I just skipped it and read towards the parts I'm interested in. I feel as if you have a lot of interesting ideas that need to be fleshed out and need to get rid alot of the just excess.. (oc's...cough cough).. excuse, got a bad cold from a fight with a fridgemon.
Also... don't be afraid to describe the atomosphere better. It's kind of bland, and it keeps shifting in my mind because I'm trying to create it based on the mood.
I almost made this mistake as well... but don't play off of Rika's father too much... I find it underwhelming and kind of bland. Rika has a host of other ways to play her, that her father has become an overused blackspot among fanfiction.
Still, the story feels a disconnect... to much political overhead stuff in it. I am interested to see how you run it though. Well, keep writing... and sorry if I'm a tad harsh. I know how it is having Crazyeight as your Beta... best thing ever!
| Frozen Twins chapter 2 . 9/21/2012
So, I'll be straight, you feel a lot like how I used to write. You have some interesting and intriguing ideas, and I really like world you are building. A lot of the stuff from first chapter was very interesting, and the world tournament held my interest. The OCs however, turn me off completely. I honestly don't care about them. They aren't all that interesting and I don't want to read about them. They are overdramatized even before I know who they are. They are easily the worst part of this story.
You have a lot of potential in this story, and I'm curious about what's going to happen, but I just don't care about any of your MANY OCs
| dbzgtfan2004 chapter 1 . 9/1/2012
This is a good story. Please continue. Takato and Rika forever.