Reviews for Heatwing
Carlisle Fan 22 chapter 1 . 9/7/2014
Aw I loved your story. It's isn't too often that you get a story where Goth is considered the "good guy". Excellent work my friend. :D
Silverwing girl chapter 1 . 10/24/2013
I love this story it so sweet you are awesome
Incarnate Firefly chapter 1 . 9/10/2012
Hm, certainly an interesting story. I haven't seen a lot where Goth is portrayed as the "good guy" before. Also, did you pick the name "Kiara" from The Lion King character? :)

Okay, now for a bit of feedback.

Firstly, make sure you use the technique "showing, not telling". What I mean by this is instead of simply putting into words everything that's happening, make it a little more subtle by making it more personal to the character whose point of view you're writing from (note that "point of view" isn't necessarily for first-person, as third-person stories usually follow a single character in a section). For example, instead of saying "Goth was very sad that Kiara was gone. He felt shocked.", write "Goth couldn't believe what had happened; he couldn't bring himself to move or say a word.", because if you do this, the reader will know that he was sad that Kiara was gone, and that he was shocked. Showing rather than telling allows the reader to visualize what is happening better, rather than trying to imagine it based on a straight-up description.

Secondly, try not to rush things. I can understand everything that's going on in your story, but it's still going by too fast. Here's a tip I have for you: when you finish writing your story, take each sentence and expand it into three or four sentences. Give more than what is happening, describe what emotions the character is experiencing (again, show, don't tell). Give them a few thoughts. Use body language when you don't need to state the obvious in dialogue or narrative.

My third concern is more related to Goth's character rather than writing. Again, I do find the concept of him falling in love interesting, but I need to see a little more than that. Why does he love her? It can't be just because she's kind and pretty; Goth wouldn't usually pay attention to that. If you flesh out Kiara's character more, and make Goth's character act in response to her unique traits, it would be easier to see them together. Also, it's perfectly plausible for Goth to love someone, because he seems to genuinely want his species to prosper. But try to retain more of his "gruff" nature, so he's more like the actual Goth, and it will be all the more interesting when he shows a softer side with Kiara.

Anyway, that's my review for this story. I'll be reading your other ones soon, so keep in mind what I've said. By the way, writing is something you become more skilled at with practice, so I hope you don't feel discouraged by my comments or anything. I think that if you put in more time to this kind of thing, it'll come to you, and I'd very much like to see what else you're working on in the future.