|Reviews for The Long War|
| MissScorp chapter 1 . 2/20
I did watch the older version of Battlestar so I am familiar a bit with some of the setup and premise but I have not watched the newer series so you’ll have to bear with me I’m afraid. Even being a bit on the blind as to characters and all, I thought this was a really well written piece. The action sequence was well handled and had the right amount of pacing and intensity to it that led up to the conclusion and left me wondering as to the fate of the people onboard. Does this piece end happy? I’d say not, but that’s great in that it gives the rest of the characters and story to follow something to build upon. Will people want revenge? Absolutely. Are they going to want to see their fallen brethren avenged? Of course. And a reader will go along for the ride because they will want to see the bad guys get what is coming to them.
This here: ((cylindrical station)) is a really nice phrasing, even though it is simple and not a waxing or flowing metaphor. It really specifies the station you are describing and leaves no room or doubt as to what the appearance would look like if I were to see it in real life.
This here: ((Huxton saw them as three million security hazards.)) is a great way of telling me about this character without taking half a page to tell me who he is. You’ve shown me who he is nicely by giving me the indication that he is military, that he likes order, that he views this festivities with misgivings and as a potential mistake. Huxton is clearly someone who takes the task of protecting individuals and minimizing dangers very serious.
This: ((He swallowed a stream of profanity.)) just works for me. It’s such an unusual phrasing, but it’s so melodious in how it sounds and rolls so nicely that it just works for me to convey his action.
Oh, I thought this was an interesting change of name for Sven: ((Slammer)). It leaves me with a wondering for how he acquired such a nickname. Does he tend to like slamming into the enemies? Does he tend to like slamming back drinks? There are so many ways this could go and I’m curious to see if the answer gets brought up in the course of the remaining parts of the chapters.
This here: ((viper’s cockpit)), gives off such a different imagery than the basic mechanical one. I love that it takes something alive, like a snake, and twists it into something scientific. For me, this is where the Science Fiction of the piece really shines through, in the depictions of the crafts with words like viper. It also adds a truly sinister feel to the ships and makes them seem like a serious threat towards any enemy who might be coming their way.
Love the bend again on the Sci-Fi element by a humanizing here in technology by saying: ((screech of tortured electronics.)). Really gives a sense that the electronics are alive and that they have emotions/thoughts/can feel pain and respond to it.
Wonderful closing line: ((Then he felt nothing.)). Finite and cold. The end. Can’t say it any better than that.
Just a few minor suggestions:
Right here: ((….”for the past five years”)), you just forgot a period to close the dialogue off.
Here: ((Commander here, go ahead” he said)), you need a comma after (ahead) is all :)
This line here: ((“At ease” Huxton said…)), just needs a comma after (ease).
*I’m noticing the lack of commas after a lot of places where you have a tag like said. Always in dialogue you have a comma preceding the closing dialogue tag before moving into the statement of he/she said. Of course, this is just how I know those things, so if any of the things I have suggested are stylistic or you have a different type of punctuation (I know certain countries have a different rule about punctuation than I do in the US), then please feel free to disregard. I am only pointing out what I see in case it is a small typo.
In all, this was a really lovely opening piece. Fantastic job!
| Just a Crazy-Man chapter 31 . 2/16
| EvilTheLast chapter 30 . 2/6
| Just a Crazy-Man chapter 30 . 2/5
| EvilTheLast chapter 29 . 12/30/2013
| Just a Crazy-Man chapter 29 . 12/29/2013
Epic read. :)
| Just a Crazy-Man chapter 28 . 12/10/2013
| Aiden chapter 1 . 12/8/2013
Cool, consider a bit of grammar revisision, but otherwise this chapter was a brilliant read. On to the next one!
| werewulf45 chapter 28 . 12/6/2013
A great update to your story. Can't wait to see what happens to them next.
| Wes Imlay chapter 27 . 10/31/2013
Excellent chapter, I'm looking forward to what happens in the next chapter!
| EvilTheLast chapter 27 . 10/24/2013
| werewulf45 chapter 27 . 10/24/2013
Another great addition to your story. Can't wait to see what happens next.
| Just a Crazy-Man chapter 27 . 10/24/2013
| WarmasterSamiel chapter 27 . 10/24/2013
It's certainly gonna cost the cylons several precious ships in order to counter Huxton.
Huxton's presence would have resolved the Tom Zarek issue in a different way than in the show.
| bladefax chapter 26 . 10/17/2013
Awesome story. Looking forward to more