|Reviews for False Ascension|
| Its Me Fi chapter 5 . 11/21/2012
| Its Me Fi chapter 4 . 9/14/2012
| Kool Killer chapter 1 . 9/13/2012
Great chapter, Keep it up!
| The Foundry Cove chapter 2 . 9/12/2012
In canon (The actual Halo books and games) Brutes and Elites are never on the same planet, mainly because they hate each other.
| XLR8ION chapter 2 . 8/24/2012
This is a fairly interesting story. Grammar and punctuation is good, which always pleases me, and is the first sign of a good writer, and the dialogue is akin to what the characters would say given their situations. However, I do have a few pointers if you don't mind me giving them.
First off, you need to organize your paragraphs. Every time a new person speaks, you need to make a new paragraph for that person, otherwise the dialogue gets jumbled together and it gets difficult for the reader to distinguish one voice from another. Example:
"My god..." The elite was bleeding from three places; his arm, his leg, and his chest. "Should we kill it?" "No, let's bring 'em in."
"'Should we kill it'" and "'No, let's bring 'em in'" should be two different paragraphs since it's not the same person speaking. This is just a simple organization error that can be easily fixed. (And don't worry; you're not the only person to do this. I used to do the same thing until my English teacher jumped me for it!)
Secondly, things are happening way too fast. At this rate, this fan fiction will be finished withing ten chapters! I like stories that are full of action from the get-go, but I also like long stories. You need to slow down. Take some time to describe the scenery, the action, and most importantly, the character's thoughts and emotions. This is crucial to character development. I understand this can be difficult; you get so into the story that everything's going beautifully in your head, and you completely forget to include a minor character or describe the environment around your character. As the author, you can see and imagine everything perfectly in your head; as the readers, we can't, unless you take the time to write out how things look, how things feel, etc. As the reader, I want to be able to smell the blood. I want to hear the plasma firing from the plasma rifle. I want to sympathize with your characters and feel their emotions as they go through the story. I want to be there with them. That's what makes a good story good. I know I may not be the best example of this, because I do the same thing in my writing, but I can at least give advice.
This last bit is mostly my personal opinion. You can take this advice, or you can totally disregard it, as it pertains to your characters and I have no real say in how you make your characters. In fact, you don't need to listen to anything I say in this review; you asked for constructive criticism and I am here to give it in order to assist you if you want it.
Ado and McKay are both so far very interesting characters with lots of potential. However, I don't feel like they're behaving as people like them would in their given situations. For example, if a group of UNSC Marines came across a wounded Elite, I think, realistically, they would A) Finish it off. B) Leave it where it lay to die. Or C) If they do bring it in for interrogation, they would not treat it with such kindness as to let it ride in the passenger seat of their 'Hog and give it medical aid. They might treat it's wounds enough that it could stay conscious and answer questions, but they would likely not bandage them. Also, when being interrogated, no matter how weak the Elite seems to be, they would be sure it is in restraints, as Sangheili are known for their superhuman strength and cunning, and even if it is locked securely behind bars or in a cell, the military has always been known for it's often over-the-top security measures. Those Elites could easily maul a hapless, fragile Marine, and do so, frequently.
Ado, being a proud Sangheili Major (ex) of the Covenant fleet, who still regards the human race as "filth", would not give in to questioning so easily with his only reason for doing so being "because the Covenant hates him", as McKay put it. I'm thinking that he would either stay silent, or simply growl insults at whomever is unfortunate enough to be interrogating him.
I sincerely hope this novel-length review wasn't too harsh, especially that last bit. I know you said this is your first fan fiction, and I haven't written many myself (long time writer, not-so-long time publisher), but I hope this was helpful. I don't want to discourage you; I want you to keep writing! I will keep reading this story, and if you want, I will offer more constructive criticism.
XLR8ION, signing off.
| garret.santiago chapter 1 . 8/14/2012
It's ok. Could you explain on what the base looks like? And what armor Ronosee is wearing.