|Reviews for Blackout|
| Ragnelle chapter 3 . 10/19/2012
This is for the review game at WA. I could not find the story you requested in your profile, I therefore choose this one, since your profile stated that you wished for a review on it.
Angst and drama you certainly pile on in the three chapters you have so far. The twist of having Derek treating himself in some dream-world while his friends try to save him, is one I have not seen before. That promises to be an interesting plot-strain.
The prologue sets the scene up for the story. But the mostly one-line paragraphs makes it seem stressed and disjointed. The action is told in an almost clinical manner, which might work to make the horror of what is happening become more chilling. Unfortunately that is not the case here: to me, the terrible accident did not move me at all, I fear. The short paragraphs, which in moderation can lend more weight to what is told, become in this case to repetitive and monotone. Contrast always makes more of an impact, and when all the paragraphs are short, there are no contrast to create that punch.
The mysterious stalker caught my interest, I hope you will pick up that plot-tread later on.
You have one consistent mistake with your dialogue tags. When you use a dialogue tag, all punctuation in the dialogue itself is treated as a comma. So the correct way to write:
"S-Sorry!" She had stammered
"S-Sorry!" she had stammered
That is because "She had stammered" is not a complete sentence in itself. You can use question marks and explanation marks in dialogue like this, but not full stops. So
"If something's causing you problems, I can help." She offered.
"If something's causing you problems, I can help," she offered.
These are consistent mistakes you do, so you should go through all your dialogue and correct it.
I found it a bit difficult to follow the chronology between the second and third chapter. From the scene with Angie, I had the impression that Derek was being brought in, but in chapter three he is still out where the accident happened. And why would two medical persons even consider driving past a body, even if they thought it was someone dead? That makes no sense at all: they would stop to check, and to make sure the body was taken care of if the person was dead. That is what most people would do, but in particular medical persons.
So, it seems to be an interesting concept you have, but you have some issues to work on to make the story easier to follow, and to engage the readers more.
| Rana Temporaria chapter 3 . 10/8/2012
I'm not exactly familiar with the fandom here (have heard of it my name and did a quick google search), so I'm going to focus on style.
I see some 'telling' here. For example, this: "Derek, who had had a bad day at work, realized he was tired." You proceed to 'show' his tiredness right two sentences after though, so it's not that bad.
Your description is pretty solid. It flows well and fits the pacing. There's enough to give you a good view of what's going on, but not so much as to interrupt the action in the scene.
Then, the whole 'restarting Derek's heart' scene. It seems a little unbelievable (apparently internal cardiac massage is a thing, yay google), but done on the street, by two drunk people? Maybe they're just really good or something. Still, it feels like they've forfeited their Good Samaritan protections in a big way.
On a more positive note, your dialogue is pretty good. The panic in the heart massage scene is apparent, and in general, the dialog fits the mood.
On a final stylistic note, putting a space between every line seems a little excessive. It creates these pauses in reading, and it could easily be denser without harming readability in the least. Also, you made a line break by writing "-line break-". This was slightly jarring.
So in summation, your dialog and description are good, but it's a little hard to suspend disbelief at times.
I apologize if this review could be seen as harsh. It isn't intended to be. Only honest.