|Reviews for Bar Fights|
| Life Element chapter 1 . 12/2/2012
I loved that scene! This game was so much fun :-)
| Sykonee chapter 1 . 9/16/2012
Your prose is quite good in this small scene. In fact, I could see it working as a part of a larger novelization. One thing to mention, however, is you jump narrative perspective quite a bit. This is fine if you've established your characters well in advance before such scenes, but for a short story such as this, it's not a good idea.
Short stories typically focus on one character and their reactions to a scenario, otherwise the reader may lose sight over who's the protagonist (yes, even with fanfiction!). Additionally, you give Angelo narrative perspective, which dilutes the mystery of this new character. Even as part of a larger novelization, he should remain a mystery for quite some time, with the main characters reacting to his actions, and thus the reader wondering what motivates Angelo. By 'getting inside his head' almost immediately, the narrative focus grows further jumbled, especially in a short story such as this.
Hope some of these pointers are helpful in your writing. :)