|Reviews for Sleep Without Murder|
| Megalink1126 chapter 1 . 11/9/2013
Hiya Remi! Mega here, complete with one of your reviews you won from participating in our Green Room event! Woo! Just as a quick note before I really start to dive into the piece though, I'm pretty fandom blind here since I know nothing about X/1999 besides what I found in a quick Google search of it right before I started reading this, so if I sound incredibly stupid that's probably why, haha.
So to begin with, I think I'm going to talk about your descriptions, because a lot of those really stood out to me. For example, the opening little description with the Sakura blossoms I thought was a very nice little piece of description, as it did a very nice job painting a picture and sort of setting the scene for the fic to begin. In fact, a lot of your descriptions I felt were very well written, with another highlight being the paragraph about Satsui and her appearance in her uniform. However, there were times where I felt some of them got a bit too wordy and clunky, and you sort of faltered a little bit on them. For example, in the next to laugh paragraph that focused on Satsui:
'...could fill the ocean with bright clear ocean with its...'
Now, I'm not sure if that was a typo or what, but it seemed like you were sort of going in two different directions there and kind of tripped yourself up. There were also some kind of awkwardly phrased sentences in there, like with the opening paragraph for the second scene talking about the principle and the secretary. Just a few things you may want to consider watching out for.
There were some other instances of kind of weird wording scattered in there as well. Now, I'm not sure if these were just errors, typos, or FFN just nomming up some of your words, but here are some few examples of what I'm talking about:
'Footsteps approach, prompting him to close his eyes to the Sakura really must have been distracted by it, he mused, to not have detected the intruder's presence.' - The first part is in present tense and should be in past, but then also it seems like a period and an 'I' or something is missing after Sakura.
'...rolled his eyes as he realized who it idiot always had a habit...' - Like before, there seems to be something missing between 'it' and 'idiot'.
'Seiichiro Aoki proved far more amiable host.' - Maybe a "to be a" or even just an "a" after proved would fix this one up nicely.
Now on to the characters. I will say I like how you sort of differentiated your writing style a bit based on which character you were focusing on. Sei's opening section did a real nice job with descriptions and sort of projecting some of the complexities of his character. Satsui's sections seemed to be the most complex when it came to wording, and just sort of the way how she saw things I thought was a nice touch. I really liked Akihiko's parts though, since they seemed to have more of a flair for comedy than the other two and had some funny little quips here and there, which I thought reflected back nicely on him. The differences even sort of helped me better keep track of which character was being focused on at which part, so kudos for that.
And finally, we have the plot. It seems to have some promise; Sei's random sister shows up, enrolls in this school, and then stuff happens between the different characters that probably relates back to the onmyouji and the Dragons of Heaven and Earth and other canon things. You left yourself open to a lot of different possibilities as to what could happen. However, I personally didn't feel particularly hooked by this chapter. Like, I know this was sort of just a chapter to set up the characters and establish some basic things for the plot, but still, there wasn't something that really grabbed my attention and make me want to keep on reading to find out what happens next. Granted, this is more of a personal opinion than anything, so definitely take that with a grain of salt.
Overall, I thought it was a pretty good chapter. You did a really good job with most of your descriptions and characterization, and the writing was fairly grammatically sound even with some errors here and there. All in all, good job, and it was nice to learn a little bit about a fandom I had never heard of before. :)
| starlight.moon.princess chapter 1 . 9/26/2013
WARNING: I'm fandom-blind for this one.
This was interesting.
I really liked how you started it off - even though i know nothing about the background to this, I didn't feel like I needed to know it to picture the scene. You described it really well. Your description of the Sakura blossoms, particularly, struck me.
You've also set up the first chapter really well. You've revealed enough information here to make the reader curious, but not so much as to take out all the mystery from the fic.
A very nice way to start off the fic - well done :)
| starchilds chapter 1 . 8/18/2012
It is very intriguing. I am so looking forward to the answers to a ton of questions. Can't wait for the next chapter. thanks