|Reviews for The Outsiders|
| BlissWord chapter 1 . 8/23/2012
When you read this comment I sincerely hope you don't see this as mean, or of ill will, because it is not. Let me start of by saying I don't think this is a bad story. I can tell by reading that you are a young writer. That's good because you can grow into something wonderful. I'm writing this because I want to help you grow.
Asking people to hold what they truly want to say about your story will make them not want to say anything at all. It's very true when you here people say we gain from pain. We learn not to touch the stove only after we've burned our hand from touching it. We get better at math by the teacher explaining what we did wrong, then they present us with the tools to correct it.
I'd much rather have someone tell me the truth about my story, no matter how painful. Because then I can learn what I did wrong if their comment was constructive. If they lie and say it's good I'll go on thinking it's good when really there could be things that are wrong with it.
One thing I noticed the lack of details in this story. If you read my stories or any of my comments you will see that I'm big on details. The reason I am that way is because when I was a young writer someone was kind enough to tell me the samething I'm about to say to you. The reader can't see everything that's going on inside your head. As the writer you have to make them see it. I know that when you read it you see everything that's going on perfectly. You know where they're hiding out, where they're running, you know if there is a mc donalds in the terminal at the air port. But when you're targeting a specific audience, you can't write something and assume they know what your talking about. You have to pretend the reader is a slow minded individual who has to be explained everything step by step.
Zero peered out of the foggy window into the dark woods. He scanned the snow covered forest for anything unusual. It was his turn to keep watch on. His sister, Nix, slept peacefully next to him. The ground never usually serves as proper bedding. After all the energy that was used to escape the close call in Peru, the ground felt like as welcoming as a mattress. This wasn't their first night without a bed either.
It was at that moment Zero thought he saw something off in the distance. A single dim light appeared in the dark forest landscape, like the first star you see on a clear night sky. A few seconds had passed as it got bigger, and more of them slowly materialized. By the time Zero realized what it was he could hear the crunches in snow from all of the footprints that were heading in their direction.
"Come on Nix! We have to Go. They Found us again." He shook his sister violently to awake her from a deep and weary sleep. The multiple beams of light pierced through the dirty window; illuminating the room with a yellow tint.
"I really thought we lost them for good in Peru." she said as the pair bolted for the back door.
Their heavy breathing was met by the cold russian air that stung their lungs. The twins aimlessly ran into the darkness together. To Zero, it looked like an army was at their backs. That's was something that's to be expected in the life of an outsider. A ball of fire rushed past their heads between them. Its intense heat added more sweat to their hot faces. The ball smashed into the trunk of the tree in front of them, causing burning splinters of wood to violently shoot off in different directions barely missing them. This was truly a warm unwelcome because it meant that an outsider was working with their pursuers. This was also to be expected in the life of an outsider that's on the run.
Can you see the difference? A little more detail can go a long way. I say that a lot but it's very true. I wish I had learned it sooner. I also tend to over do it with detail sometimes when I'm describing something. I learned that from someone who commented on a story of mine. I also have run on sentences, sentences that should end or have a comma in them. That was something that I had never noticed until a reader told me.
Remember Pretend The Reader Is As Ignorant As A Bag Of Rocks While You're Writing. Then you'll make them understand what your saying for sure. There are other parts that could use some more detail but I just singled that part out for no particular reason.
You're not giving us the whole story either. You're doing the samething with the story as you did with the details. Both of them feel like there's is more that's going that the reader doesn't know. There are parts in the story where I have to assume I know what's really going on in the scene.
Here's a suggestion after your down writing your story, go do something else to take your mind off it. Then come back and pretend you didn't write it. It's hard but pretend you're reading it for the first time. Make sure you read it out loud too. You'd be suprised what we can notice about the story by just reading it aloud one or two times.
Don't think that your writing sucks. The fact that you took the time to use your mind to create a world through words means a lot. A lot of people can't take advantage of the creativness that you possess. So realize that your writing is special regardless of what anybody says. At the end of the day other peoples opinions don't have matter. It's what you decide.
If you feel that's there is truth in what people are saying then adapt that into your writing. We figure out who we are as a person by interactions with people and situations throughout our daily lives. We determine what we like, and what we don't like. What helps us good us and what hurts us. There's always more than one way to look at things. Adapt that state of mind into your writing. If you read a comment that's just plain mean, and has no way to improve your writing then ignore it.
I hope to see more of your writings in the future. Maybe the heroes face a new kind of danger. Like someone who is able to create outsiders at will, or an outsider mad about what was done to him so he's getting revenge on the human race by starting a war. There are so many possibilties. Have a good night, or day, depending on when you read this.