|Reviews for Training on the School Grounds|
| SadMovie23 chapter 9 . 10/6/2013
Hey, a nearly girls-only POV chapter! It reminds of me own fic, and I actually enjoyed it for what it is. I think you did a nice job with all segments this time, but Jemima's and Catherine's stand out. Catherine has a high potential of going mad and eventually killing someone, and it would be cool if she and Denise got into a nice catfight, considering how distrustful of her "friend" she is. About Jemima, she seems to be quite likeable, much like a pretty little thing. But I dont think it is a good idea to expose her opinions on lesbianism yet. The average straight person does not think about the possibility of a same sex friend desiring them, unless they are actually closeted and in denial. I think its best to avoid mentioning Jemimas POV so far, just to make it less predictable and perhaps more tragic when Lobelia gets rejected. And talking about the girl, I really like her now, just dont give to her and Jemima a similar ending to Rose and Martha's.
So Darren and the couple will meet soon... this story is getting interesting. Im actually pretty eager to see the next death.
| ZizziHungarian chapter 9 . 10/4/2013
Somehow I have this strange feeling that Catherine and Denise won't be together for too long... Anyway, I loved this chapter as well, next time I won't wait this long to read it. Update soon!
| Radio Free Death chapter 2 . 10/2/2013
[He took out his ever-present sketchbook, to immortalize the moment, the perfect shadows, just before they would all fade away. When other people would usually take out their cameras, flash some pics and run off in the opposite direction to continue clicking insanely, he would just stand there, breathe in the atmosphere, and draw.]
This is pretty nice, but I'm wondering, is he in the bus or standing outside? Because if he's in the bus, he won't have time to sketch anything in the few seconds he has.
["Sociopath! Do you feel all mighty and superior now? Do you?! Bullying a girl with self-esteem problems? I... I will kill you one day, I swear! Mark my words!"]
This sounds a little forced, like she's trying too hard to sound menacing.
The chapter kinda just ends, as if it got bored or ran out of ways to tie up the ending.
Overall, looking better! The dialogue at times feels natural in that it's how kids speak, and sometimes, like the one I pointed out, can be pretty awkward. The main character isn't a total ass and not all the characters are introduced suddenly within the first few chapters.
| Radio Free Death chapter 1 . 7/13/2013
Not bad! I hope you don't mind a few pointers:
Always start a new paragraph with a new subject or when someone else is speaking. This also means not starting a new paragraph to make it easier to read. For example:
["Mina!" the boy finally got himself together "I want to… I… can we go and see a movie or something?"
Oh, damn. I look like a total idiot.]
You should combine the two, and have a 'he thought' after the italics. Reflection is good!
["Leave me alone, you bully!" she ran down the corridor to join her best friend.]
This is not really the best way to introduce the kid being a bully. It needs to be something introduced a bit earlier, and with him thinking that because she sees him as a bully, it might be one of the reasons she might not want to go out with him.
The structure of the story overall is very choppy. Try to keep things coherent and you don't need to list characters before the scenes involving them show up. This has to be shown in the story itself. I hope that helped!
| ZizziHungarian chapter 8 . 7/12/2013
Wow, Lobelia is a clever one! And Mina is scary as hell... also I hope that two bully will kill each other! I liked this chapter, mostly baceuse we got to know more about the characters, so update soon please!
| SadMovie23 chapter 8 . 7/10/2013
Wow! It had been ages since the last update, so I was really anxious to see this. This was a nice chapter, quite short but it showed characters who had received little to no characterization before. I specially liked Lobelias part, but the two boys werent far behind. I like their friendship, it reminds me of Shinji/Yutaka because of the short guy/tall guy pair. Harrison, on the other hand, went completely unnoticed by me. Maybe you should spend some more time with him in the near future, to paint more colors into his character. Im curious about Lobelia the most, though. In my opinion, it will be best if she finds jemina in the library, but something separates them again, than if they only meet near the end of the game- to die. No sugimura clones, please. Im glad to see you are working and supporting yourself now, although I also hope it does not delay your updates that much.
| SadMovie23 chapter 7 . 5/15/2013
I have read this chapter as soon as it got updated, but didn't leave any reviews out of pure laziness. I apologize.
This was a short, but good chapter. There was enough action to keep the reader interested, and I liked the introduction to Darren. It reminded me of my own chemistry, although I was fortunate to the fact that no accidents happened. But the Janice and Rachel fraction was very well done as well. I wasn't expecting the vampire girl to die so early on, and honestly I thought she would put more of a fight. Bonus points for not describing her tongue as a sea slug or something big and gross while she was being strangled. It read like this asphyxia was shorter than normal, but very brutal.
I'm always more interested in the first students to kill. I'm not rooting for Janice, I dislike her actually, but I'm really curious about the way she's going to die.
Could you kill a boy next time, please? :-D
| Daniel Affaro chapter 7 . 5/13/2013
I've just got up to date and already want more. The interaction between Janice and Rachel was amazing and I loved how real you made Lukas.
Viktor was very very well written, and I love how human you made him. He's acted just like a normal person would.
Very well done and I can't wait for more.
| Daniel Affaro chapter 5 . 5/13/2013
Upon starting this, I decided to read a bit into it before reviewing in order to get a feel for the characters and the overlying plot.
First off; I need to get this out of the way. You're very talented with words. I enjoy how the flow often matches the tone and I have found myself drawn into the pace of a character's thoughts and feelings as I read. For that I applaud you. My only issue would be that of flashbacks. While I thoroughly enjoy your use of small flashbacks to illustrate a certain character aspect or point, due to them being slipped into the text and flow of the narrative without a break, I find it difficult to identify them as they are so subtly used. While the subtlety is what I love (and by no means should you change your writing style), in terms of personal taste, I personally would have put flashback dialogue and narrative in italics.
Your setting up was very good. I like how you didn't just list students at the beginning or fall into stereotypes; you wrote the characters as what they are: people. I also liked how you introduced everyone over a series of chapters, but took the time to develop them, rather than just a select few (something I myself admit to bring guilty of in my own BR fic).
I also like the mentality of the "players". Why they're doing what they're doing and how it ties in with their personality. They're reacting how humans would react; giving in to their own idiosyncrasies. I particularly enjoyed the vampire girl's reaction and Carmina's mentality.
You've created something great here and I can't wait to read more.
You have definitely earned a favourite and follow.
(Side note: Love your use of a map. Up until reading yours I thought I was the only person to use one)
| ZizziHungarian chapter 7 . 3/14/2013
Vampire or not, Rachel didn't last very long... which I like very much, I loved her character, but letting a vampire win the Program would be cheesy. But the others... stupid Darren, stupid Victor, stupid Lukas... and damn scary Janice! That will be an interesting game with only two firearms...
| dxuntl3ss chapter 7 . 3/1/2013
Derrick seems... interesting. a little mental, but ofcourse, thats what you were going for. Would he hae the mental strength to kill himself though? Not Rachel... I liked her! Ok, so the death scene was good and detailed, but shouldn't Janice feel slight remorse for killing someone? You'd have to be inhuman if you didn't, and she is just a school girl. Enjoy the feedback!;)
| SadMovie23 chapter 6 . 1/21/2013
Remember when I said I thought the tendency of the next few chapters was for them to become uninteresting, since no one was dying or fighting? So, you can erase my words from your mind. This chapter was great, and it managed to be great even if little occurred in it. Victor's story was the best part. Not only was I moved and interested in his relationship with the Italian girl, but I can also relate to it, since something similar happened to me in the past, though fortunately with a different ending. Victor is someone I wish to win the training, even though we don't have that much in common. This is a trick you should be proud of, since its really hard to make a viewer to root for a character he does not use as a surrogate.
About Lukas, at first I thought you were going to enter cliche territory and turn him into a killing machine, which is the fate of pretty much all kids in BR fics who have mental disabilities. Like in the raising hand program, for example. Thankfully, you managed to give it a twist, by showing how scared the boy is and that, since he's a child inside, he cannot comprehend why he should kill his classmates. The description of his fear of the game was very well done, and the ending was unexpected by me, giving a good suspense for the next chapter. After all, someone will most likely be killed by that rifle in the future.
Excellent chapter! Now I can say you managed to make a story that's better than your previous one!
| dxuntl3ss chapter 5 . 1/7/2013
this is so good! only recently got into battle royale, and this was the first fic i have read about if. great ideas, great characters, just could you try and make the flash back type things abit clearer?:)
| SadMovie23 chapter 5 . 1/4/2013
I know I should have reviewed this chapter before, because I read it shortly after it was posted. However, I went to a place with no internet to spend New Year's Eve with my family. Anyway, let's get this started then. The story is progressing in a good pace, the last chapter had quite a lot of action and now this one is more focused on character development. I'm glad to see that you managed to show how two of the girls are complex characters. I wouldn't imagine Rachel would be anything more than a crazy girl who would go around to suck everyone's blood, so Im happy you proved me wrong. Janice, on the other hand, is not a sympathetic character, but she still seems more interesting than the typical villain. I'm still not sure if she will kill in the game or not, which is rare as far as BR fics go. Good job and I will keep reviewing the next chapters.
| ZizziHungarian chapter 5 . 1/2/2013
Did I already tell you that I like Rachel? Because I do, so I hope she will not freeze to death in the schoolyard... I also liked Janice in this chapter. Keep up the good work!