|Reviews for Changing His Past: Britney's Tale (On Hiatus)|
| BlueNeutrino chapter 1 . 9/9/2012
The first thing I'm going to say is that this belongs in the crossover section: if this is a crossover with Buffy, categorize it properly. However, I don't see *why* it's a crossover with Buffy. The HP and BtVS universes are very different, and although they could be made to work together, I don't see why it's necessary for a story like this. You could do an identical storyline without Britney being the slayer at all, just have her travel back in time to change history without all that. It also begs the question why TPTB would choose a slayer from the nineties to travel back in time and change things when they could give the task to the slayer from 1943. They are, after all, good at knowing when things like apocalypses are going to occur and sending someone to stop it.
Actually, it's coming across that the only reason she's the slayer at all is to give her a reason to be "special", and it's not doing anything to make her more likeable. If anything, it makes her more annoying, especially in the way she talks about how she loves being the slayer because everybody else is awed by her. That makes her seem very full of herself and arrogant. Buffy didn't like being the slayer at fifteen because it stopped her having a normal life and she hated having that kind of responsibility forced on her. Faith loved it, but that was shown to be because of how messed up she was. That's what gave them depth as characters. The way you're writing it seems very shallow. Also, bear in mind that HP is set in the nineties. The only slayers in the nineties were Buffy, Kendra and Faith. It seems like you're trying too hard to make your OC special and have her steal the spotlight, and it would improve the story if you just did away with this pointless aspect of it altogether.
Also, style-wise, you have some work to do. For starters, make sure you start a new paragraph whenever a new character begins a new line of dialogue; it makes it easier to follow. Also, try and vary the way you start your sentences and make them more complex. You have a lot of short sentences and start a lot of them with "she" one after the other, and it doesn't really flow right. You also mix tenses quite a lot, so try and stick to just past tense.
We also don't see Britney giving a lot of thought to the consequences of travelling back in time, even though you tell us that she did. Learn to use show, don't tell, because this aspect of the story seems underdeveloped. That's a huge responsibility for a fifteen year old girl to take on, and even though you touch on this it seems like it's cut short before it has chance to go anywhere. I'd recommend making the scene between Britney and her mother much more in depth and really try and show the emotions of the people involved. Britney should seem more apprehensive and doubtful - it would be a more human and believable reaction to the task she's been given.
There's quite a lot of info-dumping in this chapter too about how Britney is the slayer and she goes to Hogwarts and knows Harry and has this mission etc. Try to find a way of introducing all this more subtly and gradually, because it's all forced onto us in one go and isn't developed. The readers haven't had chance to warm to any of the characters or get a feel for what's going on, which is off putting.
Please don't refer to Slytherin as "The Snake House". It's called "Slytherin". "The Snake House" isn't a term ever used by JKR so it seems out of place. The others weren't called the Lion/Eagle/Badger houses so just stick with the proper name.
I know you said "don't like, don't review" but that's a bad attitude to take if you want reviews that will help you improve. I don't dislike the idea of it, but it needs a lot of work with how you pull it off and a bit more thought with developing things.