Reviews for To Be a Queen
crankyman7 chapter 10 . 4/2/2014
I can only imagine how difficult it was to write this story in the style you chose, and yet have it be comprehensible enough to follow. Yet you succeeded. True, there were moments where I had to re-read a sentence or two, or else think for a few moments, in order to determine what precisely was happening, but they were fairly rare. And since I'm not used to this particular writing style, I believe a few such instances were to be expected.

Writing a third-person story will the third-person narrator playing almost no role is unconventional, to say the least. I don't think it would work for a great many stories, nor would I want to see it become a dominant form of writing. But the simple fact is that, as I've already mentioned, you used it very well here, enough so that I was not bothered by your use of it. Be it only for that reason, I think you earned this favorite.
gwenjm chapter 10 . 9/29/2013
This is a beautifully crafted story. Your point of view experiment succeeded in my view. One critique I will offer is for the dialogue. Sarafina and Sarabi seemed similar in speech pattern ( though they were very distinct in the narration/action). That might trip up even the careful reader. Your dialogue style reminds me of what I've read about American writer Ernest Hemingway. His rapid fire dialogue without tags worked because the voices were so distinctive (nobody could miss Pilar from For Whom the Bell Tolls). You've clearly written quality, mature stories for a niche audience/fandom, so don't worry about the review count/hits. Don't expect Harry Potter numbers. Enjoy the writing, and know that your work has fans, even if they don't review. Keep writing.
Guest chapter 10 . 4/12/2013
i hate is so like her daughter.
kitkatritrat chapter 1 . 12/23/2012
Hi! I'm from the WA review game forum. I don't know the Lion King that well, but I saw the first movie a long time ago so I am somewhat familiar. I read your review for Monster and I have to agree the this game has become something of a HQ for the grammar police. Therefore, don't expect much SPaG correcting from me.
So here is my review for the first chapter of To be a Queen:
One thing I do have to note is that I would capitalize 'Be' in your title. You used great grammar in the story, as far as I could tell, so it would encourage more people to read it if you did so also in your title.
I'm undecided about the style of the piece. I enjoy reading first person, that's no problem for me. But it might be for others, like I said I'm unsure but I know I enjoyed it. You have a great balance in the descriptive area. Not purple prose, but not under-descriptive. I could clearly picture myself in the savana with them. Especially in the first few sentences when you described the heat. It pulls you in.
The reason I'm torn is because of the way your descriptiveness is delivered. It feels very choppy and at point confusing. It draws the reader out of the story. I would suggest some sentence variation, longer sentences at parts.
All in all I enjoyed reading this even though it is out of my fandom. Good job and keep writing! -Kit Kat
HijabiGirlForever786 chapter 10 . 10/14/2012
Love it!
HijabiGirlForever786 chapter 9 . 10/9/2012
OmG poor mufasa and sarabi! Too sad lol
kate chapter 9 . 10/9/2012
Please put up chapter 10 soon and hurry
HijabiGirlForever786 chapter 8 . 10/6/2012
Cool! I love it
T5Tango chapter 8 . 10/6/2012
Another astounding chapter! So the strange lioness is Scar's mother. If Scar is the first-born, why is he not the heir, and why is his mother not the queen? If Mufasa is the first-born, why did Ahadi produce a cub with lioness besides his mate, unless, of course you are sticking to real lions' nature as being polygamous animals? And if that is the case, was Scar's mother so jealous that by attempting to kill Mufasa, she was banished. And did Sarafina so sympathize with Scar because, he, like her, is an outcast within the pride. I've heard that Taka means trash, and Sarabi's mother kept referring to Sarafina as trash. Can't wait until the mysteries are revealed!
Chris Boyce chapter 7 . 10/3/2012
I don't usually post reviews to my own stories, but I feel on this occasion I need to say a few words.

I won't say whether I feel this is a good story or not: that is for you to decide.

I will say that I always make demands on my readers. By that I mean that I write for people who are prepared to read carefully and invest their own thoughts and feelings into my words. I want you to read and feel what life might be like for Sarabi, and through her, the other characters.

I write about feelings and emotions as well as actions and that is not always easy for all readers. I hope I have given Sarabi beauty, dignity and passion: she deserves it. I hope she also deserves your time and that little bit of you that you put into my story. For, as others have observed, the more you put into this story, the more you will get from it.

A lot will, hopefully, become clear in the last few chapters. Remember, as with most prequel stories, you know how everything turns out.

I hope you will bear with me and enjoy this story. I am enjoying writing it.

HijabiGirlForever786 chapter 7 . 10/3/2012
OmG whats happening here? Help! Im confused!
kate chapter 7 . 10/2/2012
Please put up chapter 8 soon and hurry
T5Tango chapter 7 . 10/2/2012
I like how you use metaphors and the raw emotion of the characters to tell the story. It's not like anything I've ever read, but I like it. When I read this, it's almost as if I am the character, as the plot progresses, my 'vision' of what's going on is just as foggy and gray as it is for the character. That quality of clouded vision really gives your writing a unique style and though it can be a bit confusing, if u (the reader) really allow yourself to be caught up in the emotions and metaphors, the resulting image is crystal clear.
HijabiGirlForever786 chapter 6 . 9/22/2012
What a cliffy! Is that sarabi mother? Update soon
HijabiGirlForever786 chapter 5 . 9/20/2012
Whoose fluffy mufasa? Great chapter! Update soon
21 | Page 1 2 Next »