|Reviews for I'm Going Round to Sarah's, See You at the Pool!|
| Edhla chapter 1 . 4/22/2013
Hey Kitten, I have a confession to make: I haven't R/Rd this yet because I was going to write a similar project and I absolutely did not want to be unduly influenced/unconsciously ripping off your stuff.
I'll woman up and do so now because despite my self control I have been DYING to read this thing.
"Peeling off an alleyway like a shadow..." And it doesn't matter if I do write this scene, I'll never write it like this.
I love that he initially supposes it's Mycroft. Why wouldn't he? And fo course, he's a badass who isn't going to show he's concerned/worried/terrified even when he is. Because he's... awesome.
"Even John could tell..." a tiny, teensy thing here, but at this point in the drama I'd expect the language/tension/general feelz to be ramping up. This sentence in particular has a curiously pedestrian feel to it; kind of clinical and essay-like compared to the brilliance of most of your prose.
"I know you... I'll remember..." Fucking brilliant.
"We'll all just die if you don't..." again, fucking brilliant.
"I'm not putting that on..." John, you are a badass. Again. And of course he tried to text Sherlock a warning. If this were mine I'd consider doing... I dunno... something to isolate that text, but that's just me and it's not an error on your part.
"Positively angelic." I love, LOVE that before the end of the canonical scene, Jim has to admit that Sherlock's pet can bite. Hard.
"It was a threat." WIN.
"Crap ventriloquist." I died.
As a minor point of canon- and I don't have the Great Game on right now- is Moriarty's line not, "You can talk, Johnny-boy, go on"?
"Nothing good would happen once Sherlock was gone..." FEELZ. ALL OF THEM.
Wow, what a place to leave it on.
| warriorfist chapter 1 . 1/10/2013
This was a great one-shot. You utilised the length perfectly and kept the reader completely absorbed from the moment you pulled off the smooth transition to suspense after Moriarty nabs John. This fits into the canon in a very nifty way, and you did a great job in expanding upon the terror and anxiety of those last couple of minutes in that episode. The ending was also a great place to leave the story at, and it functions as a solid cliffhanger on its own.
Moriarty was pitch-perfect in here. I liked how John had a wide range of emotional states, varying from his playing along with 'Mycroft' to his thinking on the feet. I also liked the little touches like John trying to text Sherlock and Moriarty's reaction to the text from Sarah, and enjoyed the nod at Janus rental from the earlier case. Overall, you integrated canon elements into this one rather cleverly, focusing on certain dialogue and skimming over the rest. It heightened the tension while keeping the pace brisk and fluid.
Very good job, and kudos to your beta reader as well!
| ballofstring66 chapter 1 . 12/3/2012
'a gnarled set of crimes' nice
This is smartly written. I do feel the kidnap moment was a little underwhelming though and that John would have put up more if a fight? Maybe you intended this though if he thinks its Mycroft...
Ah I see we have a behind the scenes type thing, from one of the episodes. It's well written and interesting to get John's thoughts behind his actions. I think, apart from the moment mentioned above, that you have John's character captured authentically. Well done.
| Green Phantom Queen chapter 1 . 11/27/2012
Dear Bitter Kitten,
This is a fantastic beginning to a fantastic story. While I'm not in the knowhow of the show, I can imagine the character in my head as if it was a film. I understand John Watson's pain of just miming something and not being able to do anything, and the fear of Jim being a darker version of our famous Sherlock Holmes is there; he's very cunning and he is not afraid to show that.
Can't wait to see what happens next. update soon!
-Green Phantom Queen
| Aiko Isari chapter 1 . 11/25/2012
Well that was just perfect. I can see this scene set nice and snug with the canon thank you very much! :)
I love Moriarty. You are making me love Moriarty even more. Every one of his remarks I can just envision his expressions and gestures. It's really, really wonderful, especially since there he is, like a cat waiting for his ball of yarn to unravel. He's going to unravel Sherlock right? Hehehe.
John, you should have known. If your day is going well and you're involved with Sherlock Holmes, be wary. Everything goes wrong when he is involved in some way. Two functioning sociopaths in the same are always results in chaos, everyone knows that. Also, he's not going to run. He doesn't run. He outthinks and pretends to run.
I like the balance of dialogue and narration as well, though I'd recommend changing up how you start paragraphs every so often.
This was a really great read, particularly since Jim would probably have destroyed his toys in a similar fashion as a child. Thanks for the great story.
| Crow's Talon chapter 1 . 11/18/2012
Moriarty is a nasty piece of work. Undeniably intelligent, but also a very nasty piece of work. In a way, his mildness earlier in the story makes him even more terrifying. I also enjoyed the contrast of Sherlock and Moriarty, especially that Sherlock, for all his faults, isn't a complete sociopath like Jim and couldn't kill with a clean conscience.
The scene where Moriarty was threatening John with the sniper and forcing him to talk was genuinely frightening, and probably worse than humiliating for John. I was very relieved when he managed to break script and challenge Moriarty, especially since he thinks he's probably going to sacrifice his life to save Sherlock's.
| Rosawyn chapter 1 . 11/11/2012
It's taken me forever to get around to reading this, and I apologize for that. And, yes, I should be reading Rex. But I don't regret reading this at all. :D
I enjoy "filling in the gaps" sorts of fanfics, and this one works exceptionally well. I think my favourite part is Jim; I know from your other fic that you write him well, and he is so vibrant here. Constantly demanding everyone's attention, especially Sherlock's. He is just so completely and disturbingly obsessed with Sherlock, as in canon. Jealous of John, because Sherlock chooses to hang around John and not Jim.
I think my favourite line in this was, '"we'll all just die if you don't."'
I also loved how John defied Jim by refusing to talk when told he could, simply nodding instead. Jim might think John is Sherlock's little wind-up toy, but John refuses to conform to that role.
The way this ends is very interesting. To those of us who have seen the show, it's not a big deal, because we know what happens next. But you still manage to end it with the feeling of a cliffhanger nonetheless.
| HeroesAmongUs chapter 1 . 11/10/2012
I liked that very much. I did wonder, when I watched the episode, how John was kidnapped. This fits in very well with the series and feels like a deleted scene.. that's a compliment by the way. They were all very much in character. You had nice descriptions when John was in the car, such as the smell and the ride. Jim was very much in character. His own brand of unique madness. Anyway, some very good writing here that had just enough of everything.
| ReadingBlueWolf chapter 1 . 11/3/2012
I thought this was really intriguing. I loved how he was blind-sided by the men. I also loved how in the car he as talking away trying to figure out who had him. That was really neat. The descriptions were awesome. I loved the crisp night and how John was likened to a dog performing tricks. The little bit about the chlorine that gave away where he was was nice too. Really great job on this!
| Ursinomancer chapter 1 . 10/31/2012
I don't watch the show, but I am pretty familiar with the all the standard characters. The first thing I have to say is Wow. You really have John's voice and character down. The unique narration and descriptions are really what stuck out for me. You captured the essence of his smarts, charm and wit perfectly. Moriarty was crafty and dastardly as usual, but Watson gave him a run for his money, (with the aid of Sherlock, of course). I don't have any complaints, except that it ended on a cliff hanger, and there's no second part yet.
| jack63kids chapter 1 . 10/15/2012
Nicely borrowed. What a great story which adds to the original.
Neat to use the Janus rentals reference - like it. Anyone in the know, knows it's not snobbery that makes him think that.
Only one thing jarred, slightly - how would John know that was where Carl Powers died? Slight 'tells' that you're not from around here, but doesn't detract from a glorious piece of writing.
| Desktop Warrior chapter 1 . 9/30/2012
Let me first mention that I'm completely unfamiliar with the Sherlock fandom, so I'm afraid I can't help in terms of comparison to canon. However, from your author's note, I can tell that this takes place alongside a canon episode, so I doubt you'd need to worry about your story seeming too AU, haha.
I wasn't quite sure what the "feel" of this one-shot was when I read it, so I read it again, and I realized why it was a little awkward: you start off with a more relaxed atmosphere that's typical of a one-shot, but then, the story quickly becomes all action, more suited to a multi-chapter fic. And you keep that more fast-paced flow for the rest of the story, so it feels like there should be more both before it and ahead of it. To give you an example:
- "Hi, John Watson." It was a little bit singsong, a little bit mocking. And too familiar. John opened his eyes to see Jim from IT. Poor Molly's 'boyfriend', who was more interested in Sherlock than in her.
Who was more interested... John swallowed, and looked away. Jim was dressed in a much nicer outfit than before. -
The wording and lack of more detailed description in this section suggest that events have taken place previously that we would have read. I know that this story takes place alongside canon, but even so, since it stands on its own, there has to be more detail specifically referring to the events relating to it. Who is 'Jim from IT?' Yes, we know he's Moriarty from reading the rest of the story, but there's no context in which to place him. He's just there. As for 'a much nicer outfit than before,' when was 'before,' in the context of this story specifically? The reader won't know how to compare the 'now' to the 'before,' if this all makes sense.
Other places where this confusion arises are the part where Sherlock comes in with the jump drive, and at the end, where you mention missile plans. In my opinion, all the things I've mentioned can be fixed very easily by adding in just a little bit of detail to put these items in context.
The other issue I'd like to point out is that you're inconsistent with your writing in a couple of places. I noticed this particularly in the first big paragraph, the one starting with "He noticed as much as he could." Whereas most of the story flows very well and is easy to follow, even for someone like me who isn't part of the fandom, this paragraph was clumsy in comparison. Avoid overusing certain grammatical conventions like the ellipsis or hyphen. Again, this isn't an issue in most of the story, just in that paragraph and a few other spots. Clumsy and awkward phrasing, I find, can often be corrected by letting the story sit for a while, and then coming back to it a week or so later. I know, the urge to publish is strong, and I've given in many times before, haha, but you'll have a better story if you wait and look back on it.
For the most part, great job, Danielle. As I said, the story flows easily, and beyond the canonical and contextual issues I mentioned, it's not hard to understand what's going on. John's character development is somewhat hampered by the plot-driven atmosphere, but there's still enough to understand that he's a thoughtful, intelligent man who makes what he can of his unfortunate situation. From what little I know of each character, I actually admire his genius more than I do Sherlock's, because John's genius is the everyday, practical variety. And that kind of genius is sorely underestimated. I don't know who on the RLt mentioned that they can't picture Sherlock as being "functional," and I say, that's what John is there for: to be the "functional" member of their duo.
And then, we have Moriarty, whose personality is so distinct and overpowering that he needs little introduction to make an impact. A little cliche, maybe, but even here, I can tell that the series went all the way into developing this "campy evil genius" character, and you portray him expertly in this piece.
Keep up this quality while keeping in mind the things that I've mentioned, and your one-shots will be even smoother.
| ckorkows chapter 1 . 9/29/2012
I love a good kidnapping. The characters are only vaguely familiar to me but I appreciate the set-up for the story. I was, however, confused toward the middle when John became Jim's puppet. I couldn't tell who was speaking, what Jim was telling John to say, nor could I deduce much of Sherlock's reaction. I also didn't understand the botched 'bottle of beer' bit but I'm assuming that's because I'm only mildly familiar with the canon. I would recommend however to re-read that center portion and add more tags in it to make it clear who is talking when. (I just read the AN at the end and while it means the content of the pool scene won't change I still recommend more tags just for clarity)
Overall it was a very interesting story - makes me wonder if Moriarty is in control of the bomb vest and will kill himself and John or if there's a third party involved who will blow the whole place.
Enjoy the Ride,
| Legendary Biologist chapter 1 . 9/29/2012
Note: not familiar with the fandom.
Well, this is suspenseful, which draws the attention of the readers (including me lol).
I have a suggestion about your paragraph format. It is better to separate quotes and actions. For example:
"Oh, I know you will, I'll -" Jim stopped as he watched the slight movement in John's pocket like a cat scenting its prey, and a slow smile spread.
"Unless you're enjoying this even more than I am, you're not inspiring very much trust in me," he said, chiding John.
He moved suddenly, digging his hand around in John's pocket and tearing the mobile away as John flinched involuntarily. Glancing over the half-written text, the mirth dropped from Jim's face, and he shoved the vest into John's chest decisively. The mobile chirped suddenly, signaling a new text message, and Jim flipped through to view it.
With this, everything is easier to read and readers won't get confused.
Hope this helps, good luck!
| Sierraoscar154 chapter 1 . 9/28/2012
Well, that was interesting. Not familiar with Sherlock, but for the length of the story, it was sure suspenseful and action packed!