Reviews for The Queen's War
Ihavechortles chapter 10 . 11/1/2012
WHY DO YOU HATE ALL OF THE REALLY FUNNY BAD GUYS IN KID ICARUS? they were arguably the best part. Thanatos is damn hilarious with a speech pattern that reminds me of FAWFUL!
Duke Serkol chapter 13 . 9/29/2012
"I just gave you the ability to direct your own flight!" she returned, her voice projected into his mind. "Lady Palutena doesn't do that; it expends energy must faster"
Actually I think the justification in the game was that Palutena guided his flight so Pit could focus on shooting down the enemy and dodging their shots... but I could be mistaken.

""Come on, Pit. You don't have much time, and I need your help!"
"I know!" he shouted back at her from the depths of his mind."
Yeah, I know I said Phosphora is clearly the star here, but he's really kind of sucking in this...

"Medusa's fortress loomed ahead of him and all he could think of was to get to it before his wings began to burn at his back. His landing upon one of the fortress' high towers would better have been described as a poorly controlled crash.
His wings lost their aura just before he reached it and Pit cried out as he tumbled through the air and grazed the pointed parapets that crowned the tower. He rolled as he hit the ground, his back slamming hard into the stone.
Pit groaned aloud as pain knifed through his left leg, looking down to find his ankle swollen and an angry-red. He dared to put weight upon it and hissed as he immediately regretted it. Pulling himself towards the wall facing the wasteland beyond the fortress, Pit watched on helplessly"
...on a second thought, I take that back, he's -really- sucking in this battle. Like "merely a burden to his ally" levels of sucking.

""Forgive me, Pit", the voice of the Goddess he had thought extinguished from existence said to him. "I need you to guide me this time"."
Ah, I see what you're doing here... a reversal of what happens in the final battle against Hades, with Palutena taking Medusa's place.
I guess instead of Hades it's the Elders that resurrected her? Well that's convenient.

""I can't", he whispered, his throat tight. "Lady Palutena…I can't stand".
"You must guide me", she told him. "I need you, Pit, now more than ever".
Pit fought harder than he had in all his days at that very moment. Struggling against the mighty pressure of the Goddess' very presence upon him – fighting quite literally for his life lest her power destroy him"
I would say this is getting way over dramatic here... Medusa's threat should be more than enough from a narrative standpoint. Having Palutena unwittingly trying to kill him is unnecessary... and honestly kind of out of place.
Really the way these two have been written so far, I kind of wish they'd still be jailed only to get rescued after everything's over Princess Peach style. They are only doing harm to the story (although I guess Pit did okay in the battle of the previous chapter).

So... the final battle is over thanks to a character I'd grown disaffectionate to (really, dreadful display of godhood in those flashbacks and honestly Medusa's hatred is pretty much justified) while the two main heroes have done... very little by themselves.
I won't say it was outright bad but it really wasn't much to my taste.

"Ivorie said. "Phosphora, please. Lady Viridi still lives! To kill this human now would not be vengeance, it would be murder".
"In the eyes of Lady Viridi, it would be justice", Phosphora said coldly over the spluttering of the woman."
...and nothing was learned over the course of the story (battle by Magnus side and everything) at all.
Okay, I know she doesn't kill her, but honestly, mind control. That should be enough, drop the lady already :p

"However, to their dismay, once they stepped beyond the portal into Overworld the Key simply disintegrated in Phosphora's grasp. Once again, the Underworld was closed to them."
Palutena Wise Goddess of Light: "Uh... ok, we shall not question how and why this happened. Nothing suspicious there!"

"Palutena sighed. "I will do as I can to guide the steps of humankind, but please, Viridi. I do not wish to go to war with you".
"Then guide them", Viridi said plainly."
I give her three weeks, before she forgets this completely and lets them merrily cut down a few thousand trees and hunt several species to extinction ;)

So, no explanation as to how Palutena didn't die?

"My dear, you are but a delicate concoction of a myriad of souls, bitter memories and the most intense thirst for revenge I have known in aeons. However, I could not have the true Medusa stalking about now, could I? You would have most certainly destroyed Overworld completely. It's not time for that quite yet, and to raise you in truth would have emptied my precious City!"
That... sounds just as confusing as in the game with Hades telling her she's not the real Medusa then talking to her like she was... can't really criticize that since it's true to the source material o_O

And there we have the conclusion... which leaves things little different from the way they were at the end of chapter 9 in Uprising: Medusa is dead and Hades is free to scheme some more. Sounds to me like you are leaving this open for a sequel...
I kind of expected in this story Medusa would reclaim top billing as villain while Hades would become the one that gets tossed aside (and that this would be because this one was the real Medusa, not a copy)... but that's just what my expectations were, not something the story outright promised, so it is of no import I suppose. And I certainly would welcome another long, epic story from you :)

With that said... sorry but I didn't like this conclusion very much.
The character of Palutena has been severely lessened throughout the story and she scarcely did anything to redeem herself (I wouldn't know if slaying her sister whom she caused to turn evil in the first place counts... I'd say not really).
Pit's return had good timing, but little import. His entrance was underwhelming, he was pretty much dead weight during the final battle (again excluding the assistence provided to sibling slaying Palutena). Really, with Viridi's power within her, Phosphora could have gone at this solo and I would not have raised an eyebrow. Not saying it should have been that way, but if Pit is coming back to the fight, he ought to kick ass, that's all. There also was no resolution to the "is there/is there not" love triangle, he Phosphora and Ivorie had going.

And as I just mentioned, this ending pretty much leaves us where chapter 9 in Uprising did, even Viridi is no fonder of humankind, so it's quite possible that when Hades inevitably screws around with the Wish Seed, she will start dropping Reset Bombs... which ultimately makes this story merely an alternate take on the first part of Uprising, albeit a very well written and entertaining one (...if we ignore the roles of Pit and Palutena).

But don't let my critique discourage you, once more let me reiterate: I definitely look forward to reading more from you! I am confident you will only get better as a writer :)
Duke Serkol chapter 12 . 9/29/2012
Loooong descriptions at the start of this one. Is that something Magnus inspires you to do? :p

Glad to see the angels so willing to protect humankind that was a nice touch.

Gatekeeper loose on the overworld, oh my. Love the way that Arlon gets fascinated by it :)

As I was reading the previous chapter I realized that someone has been ostensibly missing: Pandora. Being this the penultimate chapter, I've got a feeling she won't be showing up :\

"Medusa had sought to empty her Underworld fortress and flood the battlefield with her army. Now, she and Gaol moved towards yet another barracks where a sizeable number of Reavers would be awaiting her commands."
Medusa has to visit them in their barracks? I thought she could issue orders without being present.

"Medusa slammed the end of her staff to the ground as the rumbling of the tremor grew quiet, her fingers curling as she thrust her hand into the air. The snake at the head of the staff opened its wide jaws and swallowed the black flames that poured from Medusa's fingertips, darkness washing over its skin. She felt the portal carrying a multitude of forms towards her fortress at great speed, and she quickly corrupted the energies of the bridge between the worlds. They had reached too far and were too close to the Underworld to be killed by the poison she cast into the threads of the portal, but she felt the tunnel fracture, splitting the party that made to infiltrate her fortress."
Okay, that was... strangely elaborate, but not problematic.

*lol*
"The Goddess of Light will always trump you!"
"Where is she?"
Pit: "Oh, uh... kind of dead, actually. I guess I should reword that statement..."

""I will sever you both from the heavens you so adore. Goodbye, wretched creature!"
The snakes at her head suddenly shrieked and Medusa turned at their warning. An armoured being appeared at the end of the corridor, the arms it lifted sheathed in electricity. Lightning arced between the Goddess and Pit as she released her grip and leapt away from him."
Well, that was a bit of a letdown... I was really hoping Pit would get to make a triumphant entrance that'd leave everybody stunned and in awe... instead he gets his behind rescued by Phosphora. Don't get me wrong, I'll agree that she's the real star of this story (along with Medusa) and it fits that she would get to save him now, near the end, when she couldn't at the start... but I would have preferred if it was -after- they found each other again.

"Her form exploded into black mist as she struck the ground, and a shriek of rage echoed through the corridor as she fled."
Really Medusa? One hit and you run away like a scared cat? Really?

You know, throughout this fight I have to constantly remind myself that Medusa is human sized here... it's kind of hard to remember since she's always gigantic in Uprising.

"Medusa threw her arms and head back as she gave a shout and opened her mouth once more. The sound of a rushing wind filled the room and Pit despaired as he looked up to see the thick ring of souls circling above pulled inexorably towards the Goddess."
Uh... guys? You can keep shooting her.

"The terrified whisper of the countless multitudes scraped unsettlingly against the roar of the wind as the souls were sucked into Medusa's mouth."
No seriously, you've been pelting her with thunders and arrows. They've been throwing her all around the room. I'm pretty sure she can't keep gobbling souls if you keep hitting her with those.

"Pit yelped as bolts of lightning blasted down around him. He gasped in horror as looked up and saw the fiercest of storms arcing through the torrent of souls high above, shredding them into mere motes of light."
...or you can use the thunders to destroy those innocent souls I guess. Top notch job there.

Oh and there she is gigantic again to provide a cliffhanger...

Well, aside from the points raised above (the negative ones) this was a very good chapter, even great at times :)
Now on to the conclusion...
Duke Serkol chapter 11 . 9/29/2012
"The cry of a travailing woman filled the walls of the prison"
Woah... you're really going there?
"Her head felt as though great weights were pressing in on her from every angle"
This sounds remarkably similar to Athena's birth out of Zeus' head... coincidence or intentional irony?

"The shadow slipped through the bars of the cell first, its darkness somehow distinct and solid within that of the room itself. The golden motes of light coalesced as they floated towards the bars, swiftly taking on a spherical shape."
Spheres of dark and light? Could it be...
"When its light gradually dimmed, the shadow remained no more."
nope. No Dark Pit here either.

"An anger arose from deep within his core and before Pit could think otherwise, he found each hand gripping the hilt of a curved golden dagger, a trio of bars falling noisily to the ground as he sliced through their lengths."
Holy crap, where was he keeping those things, in his soul?

"Pit shook his head emphatically. "No, Lady Palutena. You're faultless in this"."
Oh Pit, bless your ignorance...

"Viridi nodded. "Medusa's poison", she said shortly. "Only Palutena's Light can counteract it"."
Oh good, for a moment there I thought someone would have to make Medusa's snake-hair bite into a plastic container... that would have been quite inappropriate ;)

""You're going to give me that power".
"Of course", Viridi said without pause. "Now, take my hand"."
Ah, poor Pit, he's barely back and already getting outmatched. This is definitely not his story XD

"Perhaps now I should christen you –"
Wut?

Speaking of the Lunar Sanctum... that place never really made sense to me. Why would the Goddess of Nature own an entirely artificial space station? I know I'm late to suggest this, but I hope you fill that plothole somehow (like I don't know, by saying that she conquered it from some other deity?)
...or not as it's apparently Arlon that built it. Ah well.
I wonder if the Chaos Kin is in there...

""I have drawn up multiple schematics of the castle and have verified the presence of a portal of sorts".
"Ah, are you trying to tell me that the castle houses…some particular kind of door?" Phosphora asked uncertainly, for Arlon had used words she was sure she had never heard before in her life."
Uh... when did Phosphora turn into Pit? Portal ain't no big word. I guess Viridi's power is messing with her head *lol*

You did good with Ivorie in these chapters. You've let her shape up into a welcome addition to the cast, avoiding "overexposure", great job!

However...
"and then without warning, before Pit could even utter another word, her form began to break apart."
I'd like to say that I'm saddened by this, but after the flashbacks in previous chapters I find myself shrugging and going "Eh..."
But the effect it's having on Pit seems fitting (though I was honestly expecting a "Noooooo" moment there).

I feel the final battle drawing near...
Duke Serkol chapter 10 . 9/29/2012
"he and I were among the first of the Gods"
Hoho, this too I like... though age does not necessarily translate to power, if we are to judge from his pitiful performance in Uprising...

"She would have died a painful death and finally been reunited with the stars of her sisters' souls"
Ah, the Pleiades, nice touch! :D

"The Reavers were trained well"
I take it that was Gaol's doing, right? Because Medusa didn't seem willing to tolerate their presence long enough to do that (and she'd probably consider it unacceptably humbling).

Ha! Arlon and his weirdly (for a servant of nature) technological forces! I was wondering whether or not they would be showing up anytime soon. Now the only one missing is Cragalanche ;)
Mh, I wonder how big the Lunar Sanctum is supposed to be. Hopefully not so big that having it descend on Skyworld changes the tides and tsunamis the heck out of Overworld (man, Poseidon would be MAD).

Anyway not much else to say except this was a beautiful chapter, really, really good... my only regret is that at the end of the re-enactment of the Phosphora-Thanatos fight he did not get any (bemusing) last words.
I mean, he's insufferable yes, but you must admit his response to Pit's "Crushing victory!" (that is, "Crushing defeat...") was really funny.
Duke Serkol chapter 9 . 9/29/2012
Holy crap, I got five chapters to catch up with... have I been away that long? I've had a very busy week.
Well enough chit chat, I better get busy.

Since I'm so far behind, I guess I'll go bullet point with these reviews (hope ya don't mind).

"It bothered her that she had called Thanatos to aid her. It bothered her that she knew Thanatos to be essentially her right-hand, but not why."
Well, again, he WAS nestled in her hair in the NES game, so the two go way back... though given what is said later in the chapter about her inability to remember how she first freed herself from her banishment it could be that Hades' manipulation started back then in this story... but that alone still wouldn't set Thanatos apart from the other bosses so there's gotta be something more to it.

While I do like Medusa using, and destroying in the process, one of her minions to spy the world above... this kind of conflicts with how she would often appear as an illusion or merely observe and comment on the events going on during Uprising.

"How had she stood toe to toe with the Goddess of Nature, and yet been beaten and cast down to the depths of the Underworld by her sister?"
Uh...
"she had drawn from the well of souls the Underworld boasted and bolstered her power considerably."
because of that? I mean she clearly didn't have that back when Palutena banished her. And we've already established Palutena had an edge on her thanks to the humans' devotion.

"You forsook us, and left us to perish…"
Nitpicky maybe, but I kind of wish the shadow wouldn't refer to itself and Pit using plural. It reinforces the fact that it's not really Pit, which would be detrimental to its attempts at driving Palutena insane... and I can't help but picture it talking with Pit's voice... but making a Gollum impression with it *lol*

"Her words had been twisted, and she realised belatedly that she had been made to look as though she condoned the actions of her followers."
Belatedly... you're really making her suck at this godhood thing :P
Especially since even after that,
"She had watched in horror as her followers rose up against Medusa's and tore down her Temples, slaying the worshippers at their sacred altar and staining it with their blood."
she's still NOT stopping this. You do realize Palutena is now officially one of the villains in this story, right?

"The Elders had forbidden them from setting foot upon the Overworld. The delicate nature of their power was such that it would tear the fabric of the world's existence with every moment that they dwelt within it, threatening to throw it into imbalance. Man would not survive to look upon them, for their glory was beyond mortal comprehension."
That... is not how Greek Mythology worked (what with Zeus ingravidating anything that met his fancy)... but I guess it could be in this continuity. Of course we've got Viridi residing somewhere in the Overworld but I suppose she could be an exception (though I'm not sure, if gods could not step in there, how they hunted down all the Nymphs...)

"She struck Medusa without warning or words, drawing the darkness from the depths of her heart and inflicting it upon her."
Kind of strange for the Goddess of Light to draw darkness into her attack... but eh, she's kind of beyond redemption at this point anyway.

"The Elders pulled her back up to the domain of Skyworld even as they cast Medusa to the black pit of the Underworld."
Oh? So it was them who banished her and everyone was led to believe Palutena did it? But why bother? If they were going to do it anyway, there was no need for Palutena to be involved to begin with. It's not like the Elders need to hide their actions, do they?

"The peace of Skyworld did not settle upon the world below it; Palutena did her best to correct the actions of her sister, but Medusa's designs were wicked, knots upon knots that Palutena simply could not undo. The people had cried out for help, and she could not answer them."
And thus the 25 years of absence between the two games. This I like :)

"Screwing her eyes tightly shut, Palutena pushed."
Now then dear, remember to take deep breaths and focus on an object inside the room.
...sorry, couldn't help it ;)

Mh, purple crystal... the key to the underworld? And an underworld invasion led by an unknown individual? Dare I hope for Dark Pit to show up? Nah...

I'll be honest, I'm not liking much what is going on with Palutena's backstory... but otherwise this chapter was okay and very well written as always, especially the interaction between Viridi and Phosphora near the end.
rickystern987 chapter 13 . 9/28/2012
amazing chapter, good story
rickystern987 chapter 12 . 9/26/2012
update soon please.
rickystern987 chapter 11 . 9/23/2012
nice chapter, update soon please.
The Yes Man chapter 11 . 9/23/2012
Wow, I'm getting chills down my spine just by reading this. Seriously, this story is just that good. I'm so happy that Pit's back! But not so with the situation regarding Palutena and Viridi. I'm deeply anticipating the fight between Pit and Medusa and the conclusion to this fic. Keep up the good work!
rickystern987 chapter 9 . 9/19/2012
good chapter.

but I have a question, what happens to pit? this definitely dead?
Duke Serkol chapter 8 . 9/16/2012
Ah, it was mostly a concern of lenght I see... well maybe next time you could try cutting down on the detailed descriptions instead of the actual events in the fight? :p
I jest, but really within already extensive descriptions like those in this new chapter I really don't think it's necessary to focus on the movement of Magnus' muscles in the middle of an airborn slash. I didn't think it was possible to go into "bullet time" in writing but I believe I've just witnessed it.

Don't worry about not responding to my comments chapter by chapter, I'm cool with that... though I must confess: with each new chapter I always scroll to the bottom to check for any bold text ;)

Anyway, all things considered, I would say this was one of the best chapters... which ironically means this review may be pretty short as I don't have much if anything to nitpick about, haha.

I certainly understand why you made Medusa very unhappy to deal with Thanathos even when she was perfectly able to put up with Hedrew... I think that's how we all felt while playing through Uprising.
And yet this makes me wonder... how do we explain then that in the NES game Thanathos was allowed to nest on Medusa's head in the form of a snake? (No really, that actually happened)
...she probably ordered him to keep his mouth shut.

Ok, ok gotta find something to harp about... Komayto's are only vulnerable to melee attacks. Then again that was not the case in the NES game, so it's acceptable for electricity to pop them I guess.
...I feel like I'm not doing my job properly. See what happens when a chapter gets too good? :P

Alright, there is one thing at least: when Magnus finds out the armored figure that collided into him is a she, he says the battlefield isn't a place for a girl... but he's often fought besides one (when I first read that line, I guessed in this continuity Gaol had been captured before meeting him, but we learn later that he's looking for her), so that doesn't make much sense. Unless he's come to believe it -because- Gaol was captured, but it seems doubtful (I mean she's still alive, that's more than can be said for all the dudes dying right next to him in this chapter).

And that's all I can be a pest about really (mission accomplished...?) everything else in this chapter was great. I particularly liked how Phosphora's encounter with Hedrew and Magnus mirrored those Pit had in the game but with the spin that she's got a very different attitude than him ("Aunt May, is that an angel?" ...wait no, wrong story. Fortunately).
I kind of wish Viridi would have spoken to her through the battle like Palutena does with Pit (mostly for fun, you know? "INSOLENCE! Phsosphora strike down this vile human where he stands!") but if my understanding of the timing of these events is correct, she had a battle of her own to deal with so that couldn't be.

Well then, bottom line: great chapter, very much looking forward to the next one!
Duke Serkol chapter 7 . 9/14/2012
Took me a bit to review this one. Sorry about that but be assured, it was not the chapter's fault, I've just been busy and a little ill.

Halfway point you say? Well, I'm a little disappointed: I was hoping we'd be still in the first act. But you should definitely take it as a compliment if people want your story to go on longer ;)

So Medusa finally makes her move... and is confronted with the question I held back on asking since the first draft of chapter 1. Really glad to see that was not a plot hole but part of the plan from the very start!

A good half of the chapter is devoted to revealing the circumstances that made allies out of Palutena and Viridi... and it's very clever, further fleshing out their background as well as Phosphora! Though I've got to wonder what (if any specific reason) made Viridi attack humankind some 25 years earlier in this continuity (a difference dating back before the original NES game)... but it's not a biggie, just something to idly wonder about.

Not sure if it's entirely correct to say that Viridi rules on the whole overworld... after all, that includes Poseidon's sea, doesn't it?
But I like that she's one of the eldest, most powerful gods.

The fight between Medusa and Viridi starts out beautifully and was going really well... until its extremely abrupt conclusion:
"Viridi had first crushed the northern wall by summoning a huge carnivorous plant from the gardens behind the Temple, the snapping of its jaws reverberating off the remaining walls. Medusa had then left said walls blackened when she washed the room with fire.

The end came about when Viridi had cast aside her intention to not thoroughly destroy the Temple itself in her effort to defeat Medusa. In a moment of cold decision, she had cast aside all her cares for the lives that may have yet still remained within it.

Medusa was overwhelmed by the monstrosities that Viridi summoned as the Goddess wielded the true force of Nature. With a scream of rage as her own strength waned and her attacks proved futile against Viridi, she fled the Temple."
When comparing the last paragraph to the previous two, one almost gets whiplashed. One moment you are describing in detail each move and attack of the two goddesses (carnivorous plant vs blackening fire) then Viridi works up her resolve to go all out... and that's it. We only get a vague reference to some "monstrosities of nature" that drive Medusa back and the fight is over.

What monstrosities? What are they like? Was Medusa scared out of her skin and fled immediately? Did she try to put up a fight against them but failed? As a reader I couldn't help but feel like the most important part of the fight (its resolution) was just skimmed over.

Despite that though, this was definitely a good chapter and a very good read :)
The Yes Man chapter 1 . 9/9/2012
This is such a great Kid Icarus fanfic, definitely my favorite one here. Your descriptions are top notch. I also love how dark it is compared to the other stories here. You managed to capture the characters' voices quite well while changing it up a bit to suit the much heavier atmosphere. But you also get a couple bonus points for having a story that focuses on Medusa (My second favorite Kid Icarus character!). I definitely hope you finish this.
Duke Serkol chapter 6 . 9/8/2012
Oh-ho! So Medusa is a quality over quantity person, unlike Hades. Making an entire army of "Gaols"... makes sense! A very good idea.

This was a pretty good chapter, especially considering that it's mostly a set up for later events.

Despite Hedrew being... well, Hedrew (can't fault you for that, the characterization was spot on *lol*)

So it was just friendship, uh? The way Viridi had put it in chapter 2, it sounded like it was more (why else would it be such a big discovery that Phosphora loved Pit if only as a friend? She knew very well that they were friends).
Maybe Phosphora is in denial and misunderstood what Viridi meant? Or perhaps Viridi was wrong and Phosphora didn't care to clarify things?

Anyway, that was a nice way to let Ivory work her way further into the story.
Very good work also on providing more background for the Skyworld army and Pit!
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