|Reviews for Hunted|
| MessengerOfDreams chapter 1 . 3/3/2013
Huh. Well, I'm very mixed on this story. On one hand, it's a simple concept told well enough. The situation is believable, Duncan's struggle and reaction is true to his character, past and apparent present. And Gwen's reaction, and her subsequent betrayal, also seems true to character. And the writing is pretty solid as well, I'll admit, although I really felt like you sort of turned Gwen into an exposition-bot around the time of her confronting Duncan. It seems outlandish, even given the tension between them, to fill him in on her life as he begs for her understanding.
My main beef is that the story doesn't feel very unique. It is written in a way that is sort of typical, and the story doesn't have much of an original spice to it. It doesn't seem to have an original style to it. When you write, you want to own that shazam, make it yours. It's definitely something you grow into, though, so keep on writing, because structurally it's pretty great. You have the tools, you just have to learn to use them. As it stands, though, archive stories are stories that need to have that extra pizzazz to them, and this unfortunately falls short of that. But keep writing, definitely!
| Blue-Inked Frost chapter 1 . 10/17/2012
I remember I enjoyed reading 'Chans in Forks' by you, so I thought I'd review this one, though I'm not so familiar with the fandom. :)
"For a moment, he could not understand the noise and he crouched down in his hiding spot, listening intently, his eyes wide in the darkness." This is a bit nitpicky but I'd stick another comma before 'and', just to keep the style of separating all the clauses by commas. I like the drama of waking up to be chased by police dogs! This is a good in medias res way to begin a story, right into the action.
About the formatting of your dashes, "- ", I hate the way can massacre dashes myself, but it would probably look better to have a space before the dash, " - ". Or you could also use the em-dashes, '—'.
"Standing up for a moment, he began to run, running faster than he ever had in his life. His bare feet pounded through the loose dirt that covered the forest floor. He was very tired, but he could not afford to stop now. Around him, coming closer and closer, was the prospect of capture, conviction and life imprisonment." I like the tension of this situation! It's clear that something very serious is happening to the protagonist.
"Sensing that he was nearing cliffs, he slowed down his pace, but his heart certainly didn't." The verb tense here is slightly off - "his heart certainly didn't slowed down' wouldn't make sense. I see what you were trying to do, though.
Straightening out quickly so that he wouldn't be disembowelled by the jagged rocks just beneath the surface, he hid behind a few rocks, avoiding the glare of the police flashlights while he caught his breath."
Unless the protagonist has canonical superhuman abilities, I think it would have been good here to describe the jump in more detail. What kind of diving technique did he use to make sure he didn't die on the rocks? How tall were these cliffs, anyway?
"The waves surged around him, his lungs were bursting and his ears were already pounding, for he had been nearly out of breath when he took the dive."
This is a comma splice - make it two separate sentences here. "The waves surged around him. His lungs were bursting..." Short sentences are good for a sense of immediacy and quickness.
"$500,000 was the bounty on his head." In fiction, it's often good to spell out a number if it's easy to spell - "five hundred thousand".
"That was a lot of money, the price they had set for his capture." The phrasing of this sentence is slightly awkward - "It was a lot of money, just for his capture." perhaps?
"A lot of people would be looking for him, just so they could collect the cash." This sentence structure with the comma halfway through is identical to the previous sentence structure - maybe varying it would work, since you're not trying to set up a deliberate echo?
"Traction was near impossible to achieve with slimy sea moss liberally coating the walls and the salty water stinging the cuts and bruises on his arms and legs." I thought this was a good description of the character's actions and environment! I liked the tactile focus on the moss and the stinging saltwater.
"A policeman had dropped onto one of the lower cliffs, one which was still some way above his current position and staggered as he landed" Again, a comma before the 'and' would be more consistent with how you've punctuated the rest of the sentence.
"Hey Jones!" - need comma before addressing Jones, unless you're talking to someone whose first name is Hey and surname Jones. Also, since 'called' is a speech tag ("Help!" I called), the word following the dialogue shouldn't be capitalised unless it's a proper noun.
"Hey, Jones!" the police officer called up.
"Dalton?" a female voice called down.
"Well come on up then and let's go!" - commas around 'come' and 'then' would help separate the sentence into its component parts for the reader.
"He waited for a few moments before making his way out of the cave. In the distance, he could faintly see the retreating figures of the policemen.
The hunted man swam warily,"
No need to switch to the distant epithet of 'the hunted man', when you've referred to the protagonist as 'he' all along and are staying inside his point of view. I know he probably thinks of himself as a hunted man, but narrating it like this makes it seem as if the prose is departing from his third person limited point of view. "He swam warily, a hunted man" would stay in his point of view while still having the epithet.
"You were a crook and a liar all your life Duncan."
"I get your point Gwen"
Commas needed before the names due to people being addressed in speech.
"FORMER TOTAL DRAMA STAR STILL HUNTED BY RCMP
The story told the world that he, Duncan Barrow had killed a woman and he had no chance to save himself." Ah, now the plot's explained for me. :) I like the pacing of this - the gradual reveal kept my interest even outside the fandom. Nicely done. (A comma is needed after 'Duncan Barrow', btw.)
I thought Gwen's words on how her and Duncan's relationship worked out and what other people were doing since the island read as a bit too long and exposition-heavy for the situation of trying to run away from the police. Also, not being in the fandom, of course, to me I didn't care about these other characters - whereas someone in the fandom might, of course. :)
"Okay, okay!" He exclaimed. "I killed her, only I didn't mean to. It was an accident! I killed her. Are you satisfied? Are you going to give me a chance now?"
Woah! That is a plot twist. I was reading the story expecting the main character was innocent. I suppose Duncan is telling the truth here, since his story is flimsy.
"They were on him suddenly, under a mass of uniforms and Tasers, guns pointed in his direction, screaming and struggling as they pinned his arms together and dragged him roughly to his feet." Also a good twist - I like the effect of the character trusting the wrong person. It strikes me as very interesting characterisation even outside the fandom, so well done on that.
A good one-shot piece, well-paced, and with lots of enjoyable revelations coming throughout it to keep the reader's interest. I'm glad I clicked - it was a fun read even from a fandom I know nothing about.
| Ilovedreaming chapter 1 . 9/3/2012
Its sad gwen did tht to him but it was still a cool story. Oh and happy late birthday:)
| Willowfalls chapter 1 . 9/2/2012
I think it's a bit disappointing that Gwen ratted him out.I always thought of her as a more sympathetic person.I believe Duncan's job though!
| LiL-Princess-Of-Death chapter 1 . 8/28/2012
That kinda stinks that Gwen would give him up like that and that Duncan killed a lagy but it was pretty good.
| Guest chapter 1 . 8/27/2012
WOO HOO! Time for Duncan to "Squeal like a Piggy".
| Smiles1998 chapter 1 . 8/27/2012
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Now, I liked this story. Duncan got was coming to him. Great Job!