|Reviews for Advice for Daughters|
| a half-measure chapter 1 . 3/11/2016
Ethereal. I remember reading this story before, maybe a year or two ago, and the opening scene with the mother and the dog is one of the few pieces of writing that has really stayed with me, so congratulations. It was visceral without being needlessly gory, it was raw without being emotionally manipulative - really lovely.
I felt that, while your narrator came across effectively as disorientated in her actions and dialogue, there was no such confusion in her narration. I understand the need to keep the flow of the story coherent, and obviously this is subjective, but I feel that you probably could have allowed yourself a little more blurring of the lines, the girl's idea of where and when she is. As this piece currently stands, the delineation between past and present is very distinct to me and it is therefore a little disconcerting when she begins to act as though she is confused.
The narrative voice is also very flat. Perhaps this is intentional, to show the girl's drugged state or her detachment from her surroundings, but it made me feel unnecessarily distant from proceedings. There were also some odd descriptive jumps - the first generation woman opens the door and the girl is described, without ever mentioning where the door leaves, that there is a girl there, what the girl is doing. This could be effective if it was used to give the impression of your narrator experiencing the odd disconnect and jump, but as this seems to be the only time it happens, it leaves me feeling that a line of transition is missing here.
Your atmosphere is wonderfully evocative and creepy. The part where the first generation woman said she thought that the first girl was jealous was excellently disturbing without being hammered into our head. It gave me a creeping feeling along my skin, which is exactly what a piece of horror writing should do. Your character's realisation of the nickname's origin was also wonderfully phrased - the sparse, bare way she states it gives great insight into the way her mind is working at that moment. I loved it.
I also like your imagery - perhaps white as a mushroom is common elsewhere, but it was new and evocative to me. I like your descriptions of the thought processes of different characters, such as Delores' father; it makes them seem very real, while maintaining a certain dreamlike texture to the story.
I don't know why it surprised me that the mother wasn't first generation, but in hindsight I like this detail very much. It gives a certain image of desperation, knowing what we do about the life spans of these characters - how old was the mother when she had to teach her daughter these things?
Deletes is utterly understandable, wholly sympathetic, and I adore her so much.
You tuned the description of Sapphire's suicide to perfection. The abrupt dissonance between one line and the next, the way her leap into the elevator shaft is just mentioned, perfectly encapsulates the tone of the story and the atmosphere of the world. I really liked it!
There are still a few narrative gaps here and there in my opinion, a few places where a sentence or two could make the entire story flow a lot more easily. However, I concede it is possible you don't want the story to flow so easily - it is certainly not an easy read, especially when you stop to think about it, but it is extremely worthwhile.
Your grammar and spelling are also very good - to be expected - with only one mistake I could detect: I believe "stoking" should be changed to "stroking".
Thank you for such a wonderful piece of writing!
"Part of the review exchange. Please review "Cursed Girls and Sin Eaters" in return."
| what chapter 3 . 9/9/2015
i really like the writing style here. this story is very simplistic, to the point - it's nicely reflective of the narrator's mindset, and it's just really... tight. well done!
| And I'm back chapter 1 . 8/4/2014
And I have no idea what this is parodying, if anything. I hope this one isn't a parody, as it doesn't seem like an appropriate topic to parody. I wouldn't know, haven't read this series. I'll go read one of your funny fics.
| Guest chapter 3 . 1/17/2014
Dialogue is not written as "Hello," she said or "Hello!" she said, always "Hello." She said or "Hello." she said or "Hello," She said or "Hello" she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence does contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello dumbbitch." farla grinned like an idiot, never "Hello," she grinned or "Hello," She grinned. Note that something is a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is not in any category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," she said. "This is it." not "Hi," she said, "this is it." or "Hi," she said "this is it." or "Hi," she said "This is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," she said, "is it." Also, remember that generally "said" is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, "stated" is no*** yada yada yada. this is what you call a review, you fuckking cunt?
how are you dumb bitch?
| sliz225 chapter 2 . 11/25/2012
Wow. Getting chills here. Way better than Wither. The short snippets we get of this nameless woman's life tell a far more complete story than I thought possible. Love the "dog" symbolism.
[I wish it wasn't necessary.]
I wish it WEREN'T necessary.
[I mean, what sort of a person can't even tie a working noose?]
So creepy. Our main character is so, so screwed up.
| cosmogyrl17 chapter 3 . 11/9/2012
I know absolutely nothing about the original book you are writing ff about; however, i do think this story is very interesting. I'm a little confused on what exactly is going on but i'm hoping with time things will be a little bit more understood. good writing! I'm intrigued...
| Act chapter 2 . 9/9/2012
Hmm, nice and chilling. The disinterest of the narrator is done well, and I'm interested to see where you're going.
It does tend to be a bit on the sparse side, though- you may need to drop a few more hints in the narration as to what's going on.
| Tsaukpaetra chapter 2 . 9/8/2012
It's interesting. Since I have no point of reference it's difficult to grasp what's going on, but still.
I especially liked the phrase about the victim-less crime.
Keep going! :)
| We All Need A Nap chapter 1 . 9/5/2012
this was THE SINGLE WORST STORY I HAVE EVER READ IN MY WHOLE LIFE AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE THINKING, PUTTING UP THIS HORRIDNESS FOR ALL TO SEE!? EWWW! MADE ME WANT TO VOMIT AT THE AWFULNESS
| Toolazytosignin chapter 1 . 9/5/2012
I dont often review, i'm too lazy for it, but I just wanted to let you know that I love this. It was a little confusing at first but after a second read, I got it. Terrific, and im hoping for a little more, cause this has amazing potential. Again, loved it :)
| Sessalisk chapter 1 . 9/2/2012
I read through the story three times to make sure I hadn't glossed over anything, so it's probably because I'm as thick as toothpaste... but I'm having a little trouble figuring out what's going on with the first pregnant girl. To be more specific, I'm unsure of what name they're calling her (I figure it could be "dog", or "nothing" or "it"), what they're blaming her for doing (having fits, maybe? aborting her rape baby? trying to escape?), and I'm utterly at a loss for what the remark about her "having a mouth too" means. I keep thinking that if I knew what her nickname was, I'd be able to work it out, but I could be totally off base and it might be related to something else entirely.
Anyway, the bit about Sapphire was done particularly well. I love the little detail about Sapphire looking three years older than a twelve year old because of how she was fed. If they were overfeeding her, the narrator would have probably made a remark about Summer being fat. Instead, it seems like Summer was just fed adequately, and all the twelve-year-olds the narrator's used to seeing are actually malnourished and underdeveloped. It also implies a whole heckova lot about the world that just having enough food to eat means that someone loves you.
Towards the end I get a little confused again. I'm not entirely sure why Sapphire jumped down the elevator shaft, or was pushed, or anything like that. The way that the sentences are structured implies that in the bit where it says, "The morning after it happened", "it" here is referring to the incident where the first girl refused to come out. Then, the next paragraph when the narrator speaks, the person being addressed is not mentioned, and paragraph structure here implies that she's speaking to the first girl. This is a bit odd because the narrator doesn't seem to be very close to that first girl, and it seems like they don't talk, even to console each other.
On the other hand, my knowledge of the original series makes me think that Sapphire was raped by her husband and then she committed suicide afterwards, and that the narrator is trying to comfort him by deferring blame.
A third possible interpretation is that the narrator is trying to be political here, and pushed Sapphire down the elevator shaft because she wants to have the best chance of being first wife and Sapphire is her main competition.
On a technical level, this story is pretty good, but I did notice a few comma splices:
"It's why they kept having us, they never worried about what happened after they were gone."
"Maybe her family was gone too, maybe she'd wandered out into the streets, vulnerable as a baby bird, and walked right into the Gatherer's open hand when they came to scoop her up."
There's also this one, "Now stop making a fuss, you'll upset the others." But it's in dialogue, and comma splices, run-ons, fragments, malapropisms and stuff aren't necessarily mistakes if they occur in dialogue. They can just be indicators of a particular character's speech patterns, or the cadence of a particular line. I thought I'd point it out though, in case this comma splice wasn't intentional.
There's a random shift to present tense here:
"She'd given me the bat afterward, made me hit the body in the same place she had, see the skull splinter further and bits splash." - With the "see". It should probably be "saw".
All in all, it was a pretty evocative story, if a little confusing at times.