|Reviews for Age of Pretense|
| CitizenOfHedwigpolis chapter 16 . 2/8
Holy guacamole? This is so good? It's already so rare to find a fic that expands on lore and worldbuilding, let alone one that pulls it off so well?
Man, and it's great to see a depiction of genetics that's more than halfway decent...
It's been quite a while since the last update, so I hope you're still able to return to writing this! Whenever that could be, as long as this can continue. This is the most satisfying fic I've read in a while.
Anyway. Have a nice day!
| LordEphidel chapter 11 . 1/5
"The dog barked and hurried on ahead when she heard the faint sound of running water."
I am no expert on dogs whatsoever, so I might be wrong, but I believe they have a significantly stronger sense of hearing than humans do, so I imagine Teru would probably have reacted to the water long before Randie had. Unrelated to this, I have just now discovered that Teru is female. I am unsure if that's because it wasn't made clear in the text or because I generally pay almost no attention to pronouns and other less important things when reading.
"With a bottle in one hand, her other replaced on the dog's back..."
This seems a little ambiguous to me. The first impression I got from reading this was that Randie had two bottles, one in one hand and the other on Teru's back. It's not at all difficult to realize that the sentence is actually talking about her two hands, but it takes a moment of additional processing, which is best minimized.
I like how you have Randie refer to the city of New Ed. That seems like sort of thing that would happen in real life reasonably often that nobody would think about long enough to include in their writing.
I also think I'm starting to like Sheno a bit more, as he is becoming more fleshed out. I thought he was slightly bland before, since he has a fairly subtle personality and hadn't received a ton of attention at first, but he has been interesting me more and more as he has been appearing.
| LordEphidel chapter 10 . 1/2
Just a nitpick, but I found this chunk to not have the most fluidly flowing logic:
“Then, thinking better of it, Fae sighed and turned back around, choosing to approach and open the window instead. It was later, hours into the night. Even if she wanted to talk, everybody was probably sleeping.”
You first talk about the door, then the window, and then explain why the door was not an option. It's not the biggest deal, but I would probably have reordered it to something kind of like this:
"Then, thinking better of it, Fae sighed and turned back around. It was late, hours into the night, and even if she wanted to talk, everybody was probably sleeping. She chose to approach and open the window instead."
Not perfect, by any means [it's a bit late for me...] but something like that, where you talk about the door, then explain why, then talk about the alternative.
I can tell that you planned out the plot quite well in advance, the way all these little details are coming together. Either that or you have the same talent I have for randomly adding in a lot of details that can be built on later if they become relevant. Either way, I like how the plot is building.
| LordEphidel chapter 9 . 1/2
This is getting quite interesting now. The only thing I particularly noticed this time was the following:
"Elijah’s [hair] was always a little messy, at any rate. Lional also seemed to be comparable in age to the two of them…"
I think here you are just comparing Lional's apparent age to Elijah's? If that is the case, the second sentence is a bit oddly worded, because saying "Lional also seemed to be comparable in age to the two of them" suggests that he is similar in age to two other people, even though it is just to Elijah.
| LordEphidel chapter 8 . 1/2
I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I'm not sure I have any specific responses to this chapter. I suppose that's not a bad thing, seeing as how that means that there probably weren't any glaring mistakes, but I still feel like this review is being fairly useless like this. Oh well. Keep writing, I enjoy your work.
| LordEphidel chapter 7 . 1/2
Well it has been quite a while since I've had the time for pleasure reading, so I'm afraid this review might not be quite as thorough as my previous ones have been, but I will do my best.
I was somewhat initially confused when Rolana and Elijah were talking about Lilina; I was uncertain if they were referring to the historical one, or somebody who they knew who happened to have the same name. It became a little clearer several paragraphs later, but perhaps it would help to more openly state it early on?
"Like my dragonstone? the girl thought, but dare say nothing aloud."
This sentence sounded a bit awkward to me, specifically the last bit. It might be right, I am unsure, but I would probably have written it as follows:
"Like my dragonstone? the girl thought, but not daring to say anything aloud."
Several times you mention the accents of characters, assumedly to give some sort of convenient indication of their ethnic background [which is a rather good idea, in my opinion], but I am somewhat curious what they actually sound like. Not that it takes anything away from the story; these are just the rare sort of odd details that I personally happen to pick up on.
I really enjoy Zeke's character; he's quite amusing. That, and he is plotting something, which I always appreciate.
| Sentury chapter 16 . 11/30/2013
How did I miss this?
Honestly, Star, I think about this story so much, which is super weird to say about a fanfic, but I just love your characters and story so much. I'm thrilled to see you've updated and kept my hopes hi.
THEORY. Idunn has gotten her soul destroyed again and is the one calling Fae's real name.
Now then, the opening of this was a touch confusing. I had to do some back referencing to make sure I didn't know the two characters in the scene. You seem to do this a lot with your introductions - talking about characters we don't know to create an aura of mystic, and it certainly works, just threw me a little bit because I didn't read the chapters in succession, I don't think that avoidable.
Once again, though, these two characters strike me as people serving sinister purposes, but not absent of moral identity. That's a very humanizing sort of characteristic and I think you do an amazing job of it. Ginny seems to be very driven, but is not without care of people. But Elimine, you've introduced another set of characters! Are they with Lysander! It seems that way because of Irene's reservations and fears.
Speaking of Lysander, he continues to mirror Zeke's own enigmatic persona, but it a much darker, more frightening way. Do people complain about you being mysterious in real life? I feel like they must. I'm not buying his talk "of wanting to avoid war" at all, but I like that Fae considers it, she hasn't seen all his underlying motives, so its understandable that she might be at least a little persuaded by his high talk. I am; however, getting a little bit of a somber tone here...is that my imagination?
Despite the fact that I'm not buying Lysander's friendly attitude, I'm also totally not buying Fae's "I'll destroy you" talk. Seriously, this whole chapter seems to be guys putting up airs. Irene is trying not to show her terror, Lysander is trying to get in with Fae, and Fae seems to suddenly think she can go dragon to solve all her problems, and this Ginny character isn't tell actually Ginny. This isn't Fae's character, though, I like that she has a sudden rush of confidence, but I think she's more trapped rat than cornered wolf.
Parts I liked:
(OMG can I no longer copy and paste lines from Fanfiction?! That stinks!)
Okay...well, guess I can't really tell you specifically what I love, but the part where Lionel realizes something is up but chalks it up to paranoia. NO, LIONEL, YOU MORON, GET OUT OF THERE, FAE NEEDS YOU.
I think Elijah is going to have to go into hero mode soon...and I am going to love it.
Fae remembering Iduon, tragic. I hated hearing her lament about a time when she wasn't alone and WAS happy.
SOPHIA URGING FAE TO TRUST ZEKE!? What!? You can't just casually slip that in there, is Sophia alive still? Does this mean Zeke is most definitely a good guy!?
More, but I need my copy/paste.
Not an incredibly exciting chapter, but one great on subtle expository detail. Then tension is really building.
I will say, however, I don't like how Sheno wasn't in this chapter. I know that's kind of whinny and maybe its because I just love him so much, but I get the feeling that all of these little character stories are rapidly heading towards each other, and focusing exclusively on Valor makes it seem almost like what's happening over there isn't as important, even if it isn't. But that might also be because of the fact that it took a while in-between updates.
Anyways, great job, really looking forward to what's coming next!
| Fellblood Morgan chapter 16 . 11/19/2013
It's been a while. After rereading the entire fic, it's amazing how little character development anyone's had, but you've shown that it's not needed.
| Sentury chapter 15 . 7/22/2013
Ahhhhh finally caught up! Such a cliff hanger though!
I'm so sorry that took me so long, oddly enough my summers are busier than any other season for me.
Okay though, so first; I think I'd like to take back what I said about your introduction of characters, now that I've really gotten into the bulk of the of the story and have had a chance to get to know you characters better, I have them all straight and the confusion that once existed has since faded. Maybe you could have spent more time focusing on them one at a time so that happened more gradually rather than all at once, or maybe things had to be conducted the way they were and it just took some time. Regardless, I love all the characters and think you've done a great job with them.
To be honest, I'm a little hesitant to critique you because I worry that what I say might not be right and you are a vastly better writer than myself so I'm sure some of the issues you experience writing are probably clear to yourself. I'll still try though, and in future chapters I'll be much more comprehensive in my reviews. I just don't like LOOKING for mistakes, and there are times here when I find myself doing just that. When I'm caught up though I usually read things two or three times so I'll catch something. Woo! Something to look forward to?
Anyway, some awesome moments since I've departed.
I think that "big" moment came with Lionel on the ledge with Fae. It gave me goosebumps. Seriously, you must have worked on that for a while because that whole scene was absolutely perfect. Lionel seems to have a gift with words and his theatrics clearly won over Fae. But having the title of the overall story even in his speech made me wonder even further about if Elible spiraling toward a huge change.
Elijah's quick decision to join in with Fae and Lionel felt a little bit awkward, like it was forced to get him to continue on being a character, but I can understand that a little and a also wonder if maybe he doesn't realize the severity of his new companions' situation.
Over near Sacea, Sheno continues to be my favorite character. He has such a calm, cool, collected demeanor that it just makes me swoon with masculine envy. Such a deep character. There are so many subtle details to his character that he became my favorite without my even noticing. There's the motorcycle instead of a horse which Johanna mentions, or his refusal to admit that his father is dead, or the small moment of doubt and embarrassment he feels when he meets the Cayan people.
Their reaction to Amarnthine and her bow was another great moment. I liked how their leader was more threatened of her positon though rather than the weapon. We've met her big sis before, ever so briefly, and she gave me chills. It was fascinating the way the characters fear of her is so masterfully relayed through their words. And it is your success as a writer that our brief encounter with nin's grace and the tone of that scene was echoed there. That being said, we all know what "nini's" is which makes me wonder what the origin of this group could be. Their name suggests they may not be entirely evil.
I like also how you described the bow itself. Its done in a way that obviously suggests theirs something unnatural about the weapons. I wonder how they'll fair in a world of guns and bombs, but you did a great job in giving them a supernatural power all the same. These are important, and I know their important. Great job.
Oddly enough, I have to say my favorite moment so far (and trust me, that's saying something) has to be Irene when she is at Bern describing the sensation of cutting herself. I'm unsure why this part struck me so deeply, but it was an absolutely amazing and perfect moment. I liked how she naively believes that her way of harming herself is somehow different than the rest of the world. I mean, it is a little bit, in that she can heal herself and states herself that it is a manner of control, but so it is for many, I suspect. I'm very interested in her character.
Your most recent chapter was a tad more boring in comparison with some of these high moments, but that's to be expected with "setup" pieces. I'm not particularly sure how much I liked the whole "Lionel-falling-into-a-date-that-is-hosted-by-our- enemy-thing" but I trust you to make it work. And wow. I loved that moment at the end. I knew Fae is not really Fae's name and I loved the way this was done.
But Irene seems so sinister here! Gah!
Anyway, you're late on your update, I see, understandable, BUT UNACCEPTABLE. Forty lashings. Seriously though, love this story you have here, a ton to be proud of. Looking forward to our next installment now that I'm caught up!
All the best!
| Not Important chapter 13 . 7/13/2013
This is not a review so much as something that occurred to my and I thought you might want to think about for this story.
It seems unlikely that Idenn has died due to age. I think this because in two thousand year Fae seems to have aged about 10 years and in FE6 Idenn look to be young 20s so she would look old 30s now.
This of course does not stop her from being dead, she could easily have fallen sick, but I think that this would have affected Fae somehow.
If you have already thought of this than ignore me.
Otherwise I think your story is great.
My advice to improve; Make sure that any change in character's perspective is made obvious, because with as many characters as you have in this story keeping track can be difficult.
Also try to avoid introducing character traits by stating them. Instead have them inferred through their actions, dialogue, etc.
| Sentury chapter 5 . 7/9/2013
Okay, so that's all I can read for now, thought I'd drop you a review of some of my thoughts so far. Sorry if this is a little too long for your liking, but I tend to leave some long ones, especially on a story like this.
First and foremost, I think this story is fantastic.
That being said, critique first:
There are sooooo many characters and soooo much going on in this story. Its just a little bit hard to follow. I understand that with a story of this nature, some of that is unavoidable. And it is also possible that this is more do to my limited level of intelligence which I'm sure yours trumps. However, you spend so little time focusing on one character, or a single group of characters, that it is really hard to tell who is where and what they're doing. The one character who does get the most dedication is Fae who, generally speaking, readers are the most familar with.
Also, there are a number of vauge refrences that I would like to hear more of. Ilia invading Sacea or this accord that forbids the manufacturing gun powder weopondry. This immediately drew my interest as I was wondering how the weapons of Fire Emblem (which you briefly touched on with two of the coolest characters ever) would interact with a world similar to ours. I'm thinking you'll probably get back to that though, so maybe this criticism is a little premature.
Anyone, I think you could probably benefit from some focus and, while there are moments where you perfectly switch from one setting to another (the shift from Charolatte and Issac talking about the bow to Sheno drawing his bow being one such instance), I think spending more time with your chatacters would help me to love them even more - and actually know all their names without having to look.
Now for the likes.
Your writing is so elegant and beautiful. Your ability to turn a phrase is some of the best I've ever seen. The part about Sheno hearing a gun being fired for the first time was absolutely perfect for a man who's only ever lived on the plains and it was great to experience that with him.
Further, despite what I said about the constant shifting of perspectives, you are great at giving each perspective their own unique voice. I've never played six (sad face) but from everything I've heard Fae has the perfect mixture of naivete and childish wisdom. I like how obvious it is that she's matured over the 2 millenniums that have past, but you can still clearly identify that this is her.
I really love this story, I can't wait to read more of it. Hopefully Fae turns into a dragon and kicks some ass soon. Though, I'm not entirely sure who the villain is yet and your summary seems to promise a war, maybe this Lystander fellow? Fae and Zeke seem to think so.
Incredible work here. Write on.
| hi chapter 2 . 6/26/2013
etruscan? wth does anciant rome have to do with this? nevertheless its a fine story
| Flying Banana Dinosaur chapter 14 . 6/26/2013
I. I can't handle this anticipation. Lionel's reveal in this chapter of what happened with the Way, and Elijah apparently inheriting that good-natured blunt "we can do this!" attitude from his ancestors and just. I. I'm literally quaking in excitement. I absolutely have to know what happens next. How does the Dragon's Gate play into all of this? Is it going to be opened? I am so wound up you don't even know ahahah!
There was a missed comma in the dialogue at the beginning of the chapter, but no other errors I noticed. I must comment once more on how amazing it is when you switch POVs - the way you write your characters is so superb and distinct! And now that things are really picking up in the plot, it's even better - I mean, you can write "distress" in so many different ways. It's amazing!
(Also sorry I missed reviewing last chapter. I thought I had done so, but apparently I did not. Whoops.)
| 0 The Fool chapter 13 . 6/11/2013
Everythng is picking up beautifully with this chapter. You're keeping me fairly well hooked in, keep delivering the good stuff!
| Flying Banana Dinosaur chapter 12 . 5/26/2013
Aaaa another great chapter. I think the thing that struck me the most was the selling of the motorcycle. One of the main characters of Sheno's group has permanently died, and that makes me really really sad. In seriousness, it stood out as the end-all "no going back" turn for Sheno, which was a great note to end the chapter on, considering the conversations and new information this chapter was packing. Once again, amazing job, and I can't wait to read more!