|Reviews for Harry Potter & Charlie Weasley: Serpents Worldwide|
| MoonlessGalaxy chapter 56 . 1/30
Wow just wow what an amazing ending
| Kisaki Sakura chapter 42 . 11/6/2016
2nd part of my review, I accidentally pressed post.
I showed you your scene. It wasn't a bad one, but it wasn't as good as it could have been.
That "you can pay me back" can be taken quite easily as an offence. Either as a jab at Charlies former poverty, or as casual arrogance. I wouldn't be to happy in Charlies position at such words. Especially at the following suggestiv suggestion. What is he, his whore? There is an easy way, to use the exact same phrasing and make it a lot less offensive and that is using the frame differently.
"What about presents? You said this was a Christmas party and ... " Charlie asked Harry when he was able to pull him away from the crowd.
"I got them all something from the both of us. Don't worry so much. And you can pay me back in other ways." Harry said suggestively and nearby, both Seamus und Dean chuckled, having heard them.
In a quite moment, Charlie was able to pull Harry away from the crowd and into a secluded corner. Fidgeting Charlie asked, "What about presents? You said this was a Christmas party ..."
"Don't worry. I, well, I got them all something from the both of us." Charlie seemed conflicted.
"I wanted to, and I surprised you with this anyway!"
Grasping Charlies arm, he said with a wink "You can pay me back in other ways."
Charlie snorted, and nearby Dean and Seamus chuckled, clearly having heard them. Hary blushed. He hoped that one day this wouldn't be an issue between them anymore.
Of course I changed more than you probably liked. And the last sentence was my interpretativ perspective, that Harrys money was and is an issue between those two - you hinted at it a few times.
What I tried to explain with my example is a principle in writing called showing vs. telling. Both are instruments used today, but telling is fading more and more and should be used sparsely. You used it quite frequently, with the same pacing. Why don't you try to play with this instead of switching in perspectives so bluntly.
Readers always appreciate the more subtle attempts.
| Kisaki Sakura chapter 44 . 11/6/2016
Okay, I am quitting here. The diary is just too much. I love the pairing and the plot isn't bad - that was my reason for staying, but I can only take that much for unreasonable writing.
I know this is your first story, so mistakes were to happen - and nothing against that. You need them to grow. But, and this is a big but, you just can't switch writing style midway! This is more than a no go, the only thing making this worse, was that a diary wasn't even mentioned ONCE before. You don't even have an introduction to it, or a frame. So using this form here is just bad writing.
I can understand the need to try different things, but you can use side stories etc for such things. And with the inclusion of Charlies point of view it was somewhat all right, bearable, but the diary really ruined the writing for me.
You already had enough issues before, that need to be worked at. One of the main problems was the pacing - you were going way to fast in many scenes. Than there was the problem of the human aspect in this story... the behavior you selected was fake and artificial way to often. The most noticeable example being Harrys way of dealing with his fortune - he would never be this casual, never would have this down-your-throat attitude. If I were Charlie I would have broken up with him after so many statements, love or no love. Who likes to listen to someone who always says: "Don't worry about. I AM the richest man in England/ I've done that, you can pay me back in a different way/ Oh well, you parents aren't poor anymore, I given them a shitload of money." - That is essentially how he sounded to be.
Further we know from the Potter series, that the Weasleys would have never accepted charity - they would have taken it as an insult. Every single one of them!
Tbh Harry sounded like the biggest prat in my ears, and some of your Charakters got reduced to one dimensional writing fairly often (Ginny being just a bitch who wants Harry, Molly only supporting Ginny, Ron being childish, etc)
Another point that really bothered me, was that you rushed through the grieving phase, nobody can deal with the loss of a friend or brother that easily and such a situation carries far longer on than a few weeks. After the situation is resolved between Charlie and Harry he doesn't even get mentioned anymore!
And don't let me start on your research. I know this is only a fanfiction, but you do have to get a few things right, like how charas behave, how the Harry Potter world functions. And beside that - as the Harry Potter world is situated in ours - how our world functions as well. Furthermore you are not allowed to contradict yourself.
So:The minister of magic is only responsible for Great Britain - for working oversea a lot of diplomatic understanding has to happen. Thus whenever Harry and Charlie leave the country they act as a political liaison (Where was their training for that? Beside rushing of in a different country could destroy years of political correspondence![Cusco])
You said that Harry was the only Parselmouth - what about the Naga? Clearly you added them afterwords... (e.g self-contradiction)
Diplomacy needs time to work, a request has to be made, it has to be relied to the right parts of the ministry, there it has to undergo examination, then there need to be done further research on part of the ministry (does it fit with the current rights, what sanctions have to be made etc.) Then it has to be viewed by a commission, discussed and than - only than - it get's maybe approved. That does take longer than a week (e.g orphanage).
About knowledge of our world: India is a former colony of England. Nearly ever person there speaks English, and a good portion even close to fluently.
That leads to another problem: The snake Hadi. He is a magical snake, agreed, but he is still just a snake, an animal. You made him overpowered and way to intelligent - he was basically a human in form of a snake. Also the amount of animals that can turn invisible in your story is unsettling.
Every world has its boundaries, its rules, and so has human behavior. I ask you before you write: study both. And after you finish a chapter, read it out load, ask yourself whether you'd like someone talking to you like that if you read dialogue. Sometimes a small change is all that is needed.
Example yours, Chp 42: "What about presents? You said this was a Christmas party and ... " Charlie asked Harry when he was able to pull him away from the crowd.
"I got them all something from the both of us. Don't worry so much. And you can pay me back in other ways." Harry said suggestively and nearby, both Seamus und Dean chuckled, having heared them.
| von desi Dracula chapter 56 . 4/3/2016
the best story i have read so far.
| barb20 chapter 55 . 1/10/2016
I really liked the story however, you really rushed it after the "Year in Review" chapters which made it less enjoyable to read.
| Yvonne Park chapter 56 . 12/15/2015
Loved this story! The relationships were well done. And the ending was beautiful! Great job! :)
| lokithehotty chapter 33 . 11/26/2015
I've always loved Charlie and Harry together and you did really well on writing this story!
| jwear chapter 3 . 9/17/2015
I read this entire fan fiction and I love love love it
| Guest chapter 56 . 9/8/2015
Wonderful fic...totally loved it
| puppetmaster01 chapter 10 . 7/7/2015
If George didn't die harry could if told him that the world needs laughter
| SpiderRealm chapter 2 . 6/7/2015
Loved the chapter.
A little short with too much information trying to be added in somewhat ruined the flow, but I still enjoyed it. The scenes also felt like they was going too fast, but I read on Star's Facebook that you were planning on coming back to this story to fix some things, so I hope this will get fixed too. :D
| SpiderRealm chapter 1 . 6/7/2015
Love how the first chapter was written and how we got an idea on what Harry is currently going through! The thought of Harry and Charlie being paired together fills me with so much joy, there aren't that many stories with this pairing and most are left uncompleted, but with how this first chapter was written I could see myself falling in love with this story! At least, I hope so, my fingers are crossed that I do. :D
| carol chapter 56 . 5/26/2015
ha sido una historia hermosa, con un final pleno, muy melancolico el final, pero da pie para mucho mas, meha encantado, me daja un sabor agridulce pero un pensamiento feliz.
gracias por compartir tu arte.
besos y abrazos
| ryencoke chapter 4 . 3/2/2015
I think the story needs a bit of a rewrite to fix the errors. In just the first 4 chapters there are at least 3 paragraphs that make no sense at all. It is like words have been removed or moved around randomly. This could be a decent story but it's honestly hard to tell what is happening most of the time.
| Zeus6257 chapter 56 . 1/11/2015
why do u do this to me. the last line is the saddest. im crying right now. ughh, why...why magical gods why.