|Reviews for His Other Lover|
| Guest chapter 23 . 6/26/2014
It was... Sublime. You superised me. Keep writing.
Your obedient servant,
| Caroline chapter 23 . 3/22/2014
I hate you...fuck you :(
| Grace chapter 23 . 11/22/2013
Omg. I am crying! So powerful and moving! I love it! You should make a sequel.
| La Femme Victorienne chapter 1 . 6/2/2013
Alright, so I've read the first chapter and wrote rather extensive notes, so I just want to state that you did ask for this. If you'd like to see the actual document I made comments on, or would like me to continue with the rest of your story, just give me the word.
First off, throughout the entire chapter I found spelling mistakes and random changes of point of view. Also the third-person present tense was incredibly awkward, especially with the jump to first-person in the rest of the story. It sounds detached from the piece as a whole, and reads more as the beginning piece that it is. Given that your story is mostly written in first-person (haven't gotten far enough to know whether it's present or past tense) I would rewrite this and use that tense instead of this one.
In the first sentence, you have already broken the rule of "show, don't tell". It's a hard rule to grasp initially, but once you do it becomes instance, here you are telling us that she lives at the opera house. This adds nothing to her character, her personality, or the setting around her. You can get across the same information—that she lives in the Opera Populaire—but could add more to her as a person in the meantime. Instead of simply saying “she is a ballet dancer at the grand opera house in Paris”, talk about how Jemma has spent most of her life within the confines of the Opera Populaire and her worn-out ballet slippers. This takes care of the knowledge of the setting, what she does there, but also states that she is separated from her parents and that she may be unhappy with her current state. It shows that she’s done ballet for a long time, and that she most likely works at the opera house as a ballet dancer. The reason why this is more effective is because it doesn't become an information dump, which is incredibly boring to the reader, doesn't add much to the actual story, and gives more than just "She did x, then x, because of y".
Right after that, you mention immediately that Jemma's parents are dead. Get rid of it. It’s another case of "show, don't tell" and so far has added nothing. Her parents are dead, why should we care? You haven’t even given us enough yet to care about Jemma, let alone her parents. Hint at it, be subtle about it, because this is a driving force behind Jemma, not just something that happened.
You state that Jemma is the niece of Mme. Giry, but she is not allowed to address her as such. This is given no explanation. But why is she not allowed to? It is revealed later? Is it because Mme. Giry doesn't care for her and simply took her in out of family obligation (which is extremely out of character for her)? Is it because she wants to keep an air of formality among the other workers, so doesn't want Jemma compromising that? If that's the case, why doesn't she hold Meg to the same boundary? You cannot spoon feed things to readers and expect them to accept it without any question, there must be a realistic reason for every decision you make in your story.
"Before she went to sleep each night, she didn't dream of being the star of the show". How can you dream before you go to sleep?
A passion for something and a wish are two different things. You can say her passion was dancing, but that she never craved being the star. That her true wish was for her parents to be alive, to see her dancing.
Though this isn’t perfect, your passage about Jemma dreaming about her parents in the audience is far better than earlier when you just stated her parents were dead. It shows that they’re not in her life right now, that it’s very likely they never will be, and that she misses them terribly and wants them to be proud of her decisions. This shows so much more about Jemma and her relationship with her parents than simply saying “her parents are dead”.
After reading "Jemma shuts her 19 year old eyes" I rolled my own. It's more info-dump-ness and a piece of information you can easily give earlier and less awkward. You could say earlier in the chapter that Jemma’s been at the opera house for nine long years since she appeared, terrified as any ten year old would be (or whatever age she came), as she held tightly onto Mme. Giry’s hand.
At the mention of her "curious mind", I really hope that that is a consistent trait that is applied outside of things to deal with Erik. If you say she’s curious, and only make her curious about one thing, it shows bad foreshadowing (omg she knew about him!1!) and inconsistent characterization of your own character.
Also! About the mention of following him to his lair, that's a bit unrealistic knowledge for her to possess. She doesn’t know he’s real, she’s heard rumors, all of which are consistent with the general idea that he’s a ghost. How would she know he’s a real person who lives and breathes, let alone know that he has a lair. And the sentence "[u]ntil the time comes, if the time comes, she won't know." is terrible and really awkward foreshadowing. Obviously at one point or another she is going to meet him, because it's an Erik/OC fic, but still. Make every word you write down deliberate, give it meaning, because you chose those words for a reason. Don't just toss away something, even if it will happen at one point or another, because with words you still have the power to make your readers seriously question whether or not something will happen. Use that power, don't just toss it aside with shoddy foreshadowing. Put effort into your foreshadowing, or at least put it to something that your readers will genuinely not expect coming.
That's all the notes I wrote for this chapter. And, I want to say that despite the amount of it, it doesn't mean you're a terrible writer and that you'll never improve and you'll suck forever so you might as well give up. That's completely wrong and I would never say that to any author. If you look at my first story, it is complete and total shit. You will get better, you will improve. It will take hard work, though. You'll have to go through writing a lot of bad stuff, editing it, reading others' bad stuff and seeing why it's bad. It's hard work, no doubt about it. But you have it in you. Hopefully I opened your eyes to a few beginning flaws. But remember that that's what they are: flaws. They're not set in stone, they can be fixed.
Keep writing, keep working hard, and always look to improve. Study your own work, study others. See what works and what doesn't. You /will/ get better. That amazing writer is in you, but like any talent worth having it will take some time to become that same amazing writer.
| O chapter 22 . 5/11/2013
Please. PLEASE! Put up the next chapter!
| TheCrimsonPen chapter 22 . 4/1/2013
Oh, poor Will. Love the story, keep it up!
| AnonymousYouth chapter 1 . 3/31/2013
I've seen this in Wattpad! This story is incredibly lovely! I've read it 7 times already! Hihihi!
| SailorSedna052 chapter 22 . 3/30/2013
That Jemma should go with Eric but not after he and Will fight.
| grapejuice101 chapter 18 . 3/30/2013
Ok both Erik and Raoul r rude to her. U have to update asap plz
| Saphireanime chapter 17 . 12/17/2012
i hope it changes into ... well... something
| Saphireanime chapter 16 . 12/17/2012
1 - i would have definitely gone against Raoul's word, friends always come first, i've had rumours spread about me before in secondary school, it was a terrible time. 2 - i was waiting for Erik to save Jemma from William. 3 - no idea, its been a while since i watched the movie - 4 - i want Erik to choose Jemma over Christine
| Saphireanime chapter 14 . 12/17/2012
i would have definitely grabbed the glass of water and poured it over carlotta before Jemma got in, not sure about William. he seems to be giving into peer pressure of Jacob, if something bad happened to him or Jemma, then he'd be a nice guy in a sort of realising-his-love moment. i would not have pushed william off, i can take care of myself when on a date.
| grapejuice101 chapter 17 . 9/30/2012
i love this chap! i want their relationship to grow so erik realizes he love jemma and not christine. maybe in the graveyard he realizes. update
| grapejuice101 chapter 8 . 9/19/2012
omg christine is sneaky!
| grapejuice101 chapter 7 . 9/19/2012