|Reviews for Tale of Two Kings|
| Shembre chapter 7 . 12/25/2012
Ooooh, female meerkat with a different lifestyle! I'm looking forward to their reactions when she meets Timon. c:
One thing that I noticed about your writing style is that you use a lot of the same kind of dialogue tags (usually, it's speaking verb character name). The first thing that you might take into consideration is trying to use less tags all together (probably wouldn't work in this story though because each scene has usually more than 2 characters and it's kind of complete now- although I have seen it a few times when you do leave off the tags). Secondly, you can identify who is speaking by simply making them do something. :) For example:
Character 1: "blahblahblah." Looking down at the ground, she sighed.
Character 2: He frowned. "blahblahblahblahblah." Their conversation was getting them nowhere.
Although, if you choose to try my suggestions, it will be important to add periods or commas after your dialogue (I'm not sure why you do that, is that a stylistic choice? Because I know of at least one published author who leaves quote marks off all together.) c:
I should probably go to bed soon. :B
| Shembre chapter 6 . 12/25/2012
"She wanted me to see how sad Simba and Nala were after Kopa's death. But what I saw was their smiling faces and I got angry at them." - That's exactly what makes Zira so manipulative! She probably knew all along that they were going to look happy. This would be effective in gaining Vitani's support by showing that others can be two-faced and insincere.
Also, something small that I keep forgetting to mention- I understand Mufasa's style of exile (minimum food, not allowed to participate in family activities, etc) and how it relates to Scar being skinny and such- but one thing that bothered me about Hondari's death is that it was Scar's first murder. If Sarabi and Mufasa knew that Scar was dangerous, why would they allow Simba anywhere near him?
I won't leave you on that note, though. The one thing that I can say about your story is that your characters are sympathetic, and it is important that readers care about them. Sometimes the conversations are a little bit sappy, but it's still adorable and it's nice that they're communicating and resolving some things that have been bothering them. c:
| Shembre chapter 5 . 12/25/2012
There were several moments in this chapter when I had to cringe, mostly when Sarafina died and Zazu was threatened. Zira is quite the villain!
"I think he wanted to make sure that the leonine prophecy would go as it was supposed to" whispered Simba coming to that realization." I found this very interesting. It gave Hondari's character more dimension, and it just goes to show how far some characters will go to satisfy their needs and expectations.
| Shembre chapter 4 . 12/25/2012
""It's about the Circle of Life. I understand that to be the reason why the herds respect the lions as the rulers of these lands but I still don't see why they believe in them so much. Even when the lion dies, won't it only replenish maybe a small area of grass?" I thought this take on the Circle of Life was pretty interesting, and it really brings to life the hierarchy that has been established in the Pride Lands.
And yes, sad chapter. :C It was interesting though how Scar pointed out that Hondari is "never" wrong, and yet he'd only predicted the birth of one cub- him.
| Shembre chapter 3 . 12/25/2012
Another interesting chapter. I'll be interested in your take of Zira's background, since she seems pretty sinister already, and she just moved to the Pride Lands. It's unfortunate that Mufasa is kind of neglecting Taka, but I guess he doesn't know any better, and his relationship with Sarabi is still forming. :)
| Shembre chapter 2 . 12/25/2012
I felt bad for Taka when it was clear that his family was going to project their feelings about this Imani (who sounds pretty mess up!) onto him. It was nice to see the little chat at the end when Ahadi admitted that he was doing just that, even if we know how all this turns out. Mufasa's creepy feelings towards the Gorge was also a nice touch.
One thing that I can suggest from what I've learned and read in textbooks is that it's nice to practice "showing" something rather than "telling" your readers something. c: I read this line:"Rafiki, standing there without his staff (Rafiki was a lot younger back then, but still an adult)" for instance, and one way to make this line a little bit neater would be to describe the color of Rafiki's fur, his stature, and his posture. Or if a character is angry (for instance), you can describe what they're feeling and maybe what they'd like to do with their feelings to try and neutralize them, or how it feels physically to them or how any other characters around them would be able to pick up on their feelings. :)
| Shembre chapter 1 . 12/24/2012
Since you're following my story (and you asked) I decided to check out your story. :3
Pretty cute so far. It was interesting to see how Kovu and Kiara are growing in their relationship. I had to side with Kiara, though, on their argument. If Kovu has to constantly know where she is and why, I would find that irritating, too. But then again, I don't know what their past arguments were about, and if all of them were pretty much over that same issue. Timon's idea was totally wrong, which I found to be humorous, and I'm glad that Kovu ultimately decide to apologize. :3
| Littletiger chapter 2 . 12/22/2012
Hey. I got an idea. Why don't you try getting a job in Walt Disney company, and so you could get the editor to see your stories. I think if you do that, they will make a great film about Kopa by your story. Merry Christmas to you and your friends, fans, tell your family that I'm the biggest fan of you. HAKUNA MATATA!
| KeepDreaming248 chapter 22 . 12/19/2012
Wow, I'm already so excited at the preview! I can't wait for the actual story to come! Could you please just describe what the two new cubbies look like, because it's a bit hard to picture what they look like? Thanks, that would be helpful! Well done on finishing Tale of Two Kings and wish you a happy christmas!
| Littletiger chapter 22 . 12/17/2012
Ummm. I love it. Especially the names of two new cubs, Kito and Kioni, those names are very good. Oh, about my opinion, will you add some information about the couple Sierra and Afua in next story? HAKUNA MATATA! See your answer on 12/24/12. Do you think 12/21/12 is the end of this word?
| AklFin2 chapter 22 . 12/17/2012
Cool! New characters... Nice.
| Lord of Beef Dip chapter 22 . 12/17/2012
Your next story looks promising, given the prologue. Still a few punctuation errors, such as missing periods, but that really doesn't detract. I do like the title as well. Seems like it was a mistake to let Hasani escape so easily though, considering the army he is recruiting.
I also saw it coming with Kovu and Kopa sharing the kingship, though that isn't a bad thing.
Now that the hyena's are returning, I wonder, will they find out that it was Scar's intention to die. Might change their opinion of him greatly.
And, I think stories like this have inspired me. So soon I plan on making my own attempt at writing in this fandom.
| Littletiger chapter 21 . 12/14/2012
Hello. I think my computer is error, so I don't know if my reviews were send to you. If it weren't, please read this, and if it's were, just read it again too. I and all of my friends love the final chapter so much, it's so good and I think I don't have to tell you how we curiosity wait for next series. If you can, please tell us the next story's name in the intros of the sequel for us to find and read it easily. And will you write it on this website too? Yeah, that's enough for now. HAKUNA MATATA! Merry Christmas and tell your family that we wish them a happy Christmas too. See ya later!
| KeepDreaming248 chapter 21 . 12/13/2012
Argh! It was so good! Well done! You had me checking every single day to see if the next chapter had come yet. I've actually read all of the ones you suggested and they are all great as well. I can't wait for 'Story of the Stars'!
Merry Christmas to you and hope your new story comes out soon!
| Blacklion chapter 20 . 12/8/2012
Hello. I have just read chap 20. I like it. I just want Sierra to live and everyone else safely (include Jua and Hasani, you know what I mean when I say Jua instead of Thimba, right?). That's all of my thinking. Wish you have a wonderfull Christmas and happy new year for you and your family. See ya in next chapter.