|Reviews for Through The Looking Glass|
| DynamicSky chapter 16 . 11/24/2017
I just wanted to point out that Ciel introduced himself as Finnian, but at a certain point in the chapter, they start referring to him as Ciel again.
| Ordinn Beaucephalis chapter 28 . 10/3/2017
Okay. I've read your fanfiction from A to Z, and I'm ready to give my constructive criticism, because there's a lot I'd like to get off my chest for obvious reasons. Ready for it? That's gonna be a long one and since you've got a lot of praise for your work and little negative criticism about your story, I felt like I needed to give another one. Alright.
Your OC, Hero, is a Mary Sue. Hero Sanders is 600% a Mary Sue, sorry to say that. You might have written her in a way that would make your readers perceive her as a flawed character, but the fact that most of the male characters 'fell in love' with Hero and try to court her is irritating. There's not even one that hates her guts, since she's pretty much a disturbance in their world. Plus, isn't a little out of character from all of them to like Hero? Especially Ciel, who is still suffering from PTSD? What does he know about love, anyway? This is the last thing on his mind, since getting revenge on those who soiled the Phantomhive name is his fuel to keep living.
Furthermore, Hero Sanders is someone you can't feel bad for when her reaction about being thrown in her favorite manga is so...lame and disappointing. Unrealistic, even. As if she'd already experienced that kind of thing and would know how to act around characters who would be so confused like hell by her sudden apparition in their life. The most realistic reaction would be to freak out, to seek refuge somewhere she'd be able to think alone, but you didn't do that. Shame, because that could have made this story more believable and realistic.
What was Hero's purpose in this story? An ordinary girl from the real world gets thrown into the world of Black Butler, stays in it and just...moves on with her life. That's it? Really, that's it? She knows everything that's going to happen already, and even tries to alter the future by saving people who should have died - why is that? What could she possibly gain by doing that? Why would she feel the need to save people? Sure, they might not deserve that kind of death, but WHY would Hero do something like that?
Hero claims to be a detective extraordinaire...but she doesn't do a lot of thinking, does she? If she really was observant, then she'd get lost in her own thoughts just to think about investigations. Have you watched/read Detective Conan? Now THAT is being a real detective: Conan/Shinichi does a lot of thinking and observes everyting - not Hero. At this point, I just thought it was a title she gave herself because it sounded cool. I never got detective vibes about her deduction skills that seemed non-existent. But why would she investigate and think, when she already knows everything beforehand because she read Black Butler? That's one of the major points that ticked me off in your story.
And then, the demon mate thing. That really hasn't been explained in your story, because it looked like you just threw it there in order to plant something. The way you wrote your story doesn't make me want to think, which is a turn-off for me. And the way Hero reacted to finding out that she was Sebastian Michaelis' mate was disappointing; it's like she shrugged it off, almost as if it wasn't a big deal and was 'Meh'. What the hell? That's not realistic. Any normal person would be disturbed!
The way Hero reacted to Ciel killing the children in the Noah's Ark Circus arc was baffling. I mean, he. Just. Killed. Them all! I don't care if she already read the story of Black Butler and did a double take after that, the most realistic reaction to this should have been a breakdown because damn. She might not have witnessed it but still, Hero should have been left disturbed by the fact that the boy who harbors a crush on her is indeed a killer. That fact alone should force her to think thoroughly, because Ciel just wouldn't promise that he wouldn't kill people like that ever again. Once again, what the hell?
Why would she want to save the kidnapped children? To give them back to their parents? In this state, they're just as good as dead: they've literally been lobotomized and since mental health was almost inexistant in the ninteenth century, the children would have been left to die by their own parents. Yes, they would have. Ciel said it himself: once they get into this state, there's no going back. It's like they're already dead inside. So killing them was showing mercy, because the fate that would have awaited them outside, had they been saved by Ciel, would have been much worse. Hero should have reflected on that.
Hero looks like, in this story, a nuisance that disrupts the Reapers' work when they come to collect souls. Don't you think so? Trying to save those who are meant to die would force the Grim Reapers to take action and have her removed from this world, since she's proving to be a menace to them. Shouldn't that have made her think a little about her presence and purpose in this world?
Okay, I think I ranted enough about my frustration. But constructive criticism such as this one and those you've received is necessary, otherwise you wouldn't grow as a writer.
Good luck with your sequel.
| Guest chapter 20 . 8/29/2017
I honestly love how Hero is so 'meh' about her injuries. It's really funny. And Lizzy finally confronted Hero! I was confused at how okay she seemed with it. And I would so not like being in Hero's position. All these suitors must be getting on her nerves! Anyway, just wanted to say that this is, as always, superb! Your writing is amazing!
| Guest chapter 19 . 8/29/2017
Wow! You have a great way with words! Seriously though, how come all the Death Scythes seem to be gardening tools? Amirite? Anyway, I just wanted to say that you are a great author.
| Guest chapter 1 . 8/14/2017
I really don't mind your main character being Hispanic, it's really not that big of a deal, but why does she keep bringing it up? I mean you keep repeating "because I'm Hispanic" or "because of my hispanic heritage". Honestly, it's coming off as kinda racists. Or at the very least, biased. Again, I wouldn't mind this being mentioned in her introduction, it's kind of an important fact about the character, but you just KEEP repeating it! It's starting to grate on my nerves the more I read this story.
| ryoucutie4ever chapter 1 . 8/14/2017
Why do you keep mention that she's hispanic? I mean, yeah it's an important fact to know about the character, but why do you keep bringing it up? I mean, it's mentioned over and over again in like, EVERY chapter. With phrases like "because of my hispanic heritage" or "Since I'm hispanic" Hero seems kinda racists... or at the very least, biased. Again, I don't mind the character being hispanic (not all characters have to be white or asian after all) but it's just annoying how it keeps getting repeated OVER and OVER. Other than this, I love this story, but the repetition is grating on my nerves.
| CrescentMoonXIII chapter 28 . 8/7/2017
First, I wanna say that I love this story, and I will be reading the sequel, and that I know this was updated about a year ago, but I just want you to know what I think of the story even if you don't care what I think.
There is MAJOR problems in terms of point of view. I get switching between 1st person and 3rd person. I saw a big improvment towards the end. However, first person should be limited to what your main character sees, and lack thereof. For example, in the first few chapters, you said something along the lines of "but I did not see the look Ciel gave Sebastian" (something like that). I'm not saying that this does not happen, but the story isn't being told from when Hero is regaling her tale. Its being told in the moment, so Hero would not have known the look Ciel gave Sebastian. That is the difficulty of writing through 1st person POV-the character doesnt know what goes on behind the scenes, and should not until she realizes herself.
I agree the that character is a little bit Mary Sue, but her personality does cover the fact a bit. I really like her personality and her attitude, but that does not cover the fact that the characters seem kind of forced to like her. It isn't obvious why each character would like her. For example, Ciel should like Hero for her genius and empathy. I mean, that IS why he likes her, but the reason is kind of muddled into one big ball of "I like you just cuz". You really covered the reality of homesickness and the possibility of death. However, you focused more on the story and plot rather than the character. Its really a shame becuse there was a lot of potential there. Also, speaking of character, Hero calls herself a detective extraordinaire, but the execution in showing that was weak. Going along the tangent, there wasn't a really clear distinction between her knowledge of the story and her skills as a detective. There were a few stories about her cases, but those are not exactly substantial evidence-show, not tell.
There were a lot of spelling mistakes and language problems. The spelling mistakes, I don't mind cuz I can relate. But I can say that some of the slang you use is kind of erm...weird. For example: "la der", and "shia". La der is legit French and it threw me off for a couple chapters, and Shia is an ethnic group in the Middle East. Alternatives for said phrases: "la durr", "la derp", "shi-yeah", "shi-yahh", "shi-YAAAAASSS QUEEN".
All-in-all, amazing story. Extremely solid, which is more I can say for the others I've read. EXPLOIT YOUR PREMISE! I can't say it enough. You had potential to go in depth into Hero and her face-to-face with the situation at hand! Don't focus on the plot that everyone probably already knows! People read because they want to know your character and how they deal with their situation! Don't drag her along with Ciel and Sebastian as a shield for her hardships! Let her deal on her own, no plot-handholding! That said, I wish you all the best for the sequel, and I will see you there!
| Optimus is Bae 17 chapter 28 . 5/21/2017
I NEED MORE! I'm so in love with this story and i can't wait for the sequel.
| LacieM chapter 1 . 4/6/2017
I'll definitely be waiting for the sequel
| gwencarson126 chapter 28 . 3/12/2017
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MAKE THE SEQUEL
BEST FANFIC EEVVVVEEERRRR
| Guest chapter 28 . 1/29/2017
Love your story! I hope you post the sequel soon:)
| Maybenextime chapter 1 . 1/26/2017
This is horrible, you literally made half of the 1st chapter a block of information no one wants to hear of, you haven't even hooked me in enough to care. Amy oh my hod the Mary sue symptoms are so obvious I do even want to read more.
And seriously if your going to make a love triangle with a 1 year old boy please give warning for pedophilia.
| Guest chapter 2 . 1/7/2017
Hero's reaction to being in another world is suprisingly tame, as if something like this have happened to her before. Why isn't she panicking? Doesn't she realize that she's been taken away from her home, loved ones, and everything she ever known by force? And now she's in a world where almost no one can understand her or her situation?
If you were dropped in an unfamiliar place far away from home, how would you feel?
| Guest chapter 1 . 1/7/2017
The fact that Hero just described EVERYTHING about herself in the first chapter doesn't look good on paper. Try looking up the "Show, don't Tell" rule online, because there are more better ways in conveying your character's personality, interests, and backstory than by just spouting out everything about them.
(For example, instead of having Hero DESCRIBE herself using her 'awesome powers of deductiveness', why not SHOW her using those 'powers'?)
| Shoetsu Otaku chapter 19 . 11/22/2016
Ah damn. Why do I get the feeling that Ciel and Sebastian are gonna end up sharing her? Damn it, and I was really rooting for Sebastian. It's...creepy to have a 16 year old think romantically about a 13 year old...really creepy