Reviews for The Shadows I Live With Are Numberless
Glam Gurl chapter 26 . 7/3
This was GLORIOUS! What a wonderful ending! I loved it! BRAVO!
NeverEndingFandoms18 chapter 26 . 5/28
I found this fanfic almost by accident. I've spent the last three days binge reading it and I absolutely love it! Well done
Superwholockmerlinwestwing chapter 26 . 3/5
There was not a second I did not love. It was beautifully written and well crafted. Your use of language was impeccable (although old English did not yet exist). I hope you write more Merlin fanfiction because you are amazing. Thank you for this perspective changing story that I love so much.
Oliver V chapter 9 . 1/18
Read the Ch 9 Author's Note. Wow.
The story is blatantly about depression, self-harm and suicide.
If you've got a problem with that, Why Are You Reading The Story?
And then to COMPLAIN about it?
That's just pathetic. Typical, I suppose.

Decent story so far, Ddiwerth.
EternalFire214 chapter 26 . 8/24/2015
What a perfect ending! I'm glad that percival, Leon and elyan got to find out about his magic in the end. Great story, although I had to read it in small doses due to the sheer amount of angst. Good job with all the reactions, too! :)
merlinsdestiny chapter 26 . 8/20/2015


Larien Elanesse chapter 26 . 8/18/2015
OH. MY. GOODNESS. This story was phenomenal. For this being your first work, you, my dear, are a prolific writer. I just binge-read the entire thing, like one does with a 'couldn't-possibly-put-it-down-for-more-than-two-seconds' book. Like reading more every chance I get: whilst stopped at a red light, or as I'm brushing my teeth/eating breakfast/etc. Well done!

My thoughts are a bit scattered, so I will do the uneloquent thing and state them in point-form.

- your grammar is exemplary. Thank you :)
- as is your vocabulary. I always thought I had a well-developed vocabulary, but found myself several times looking up words you'd written in the dictionary :)
- I found that you just about always anticipated exactly what I wanted. Just as one of many possible examples: Arthur is dying of a stab wound. I think "ooh, this is perfect, as an opportunity to get more selfsacrificing!Merlin whump in there, I would love it if Merlin almost killed himself by using all of his magic and every ounce of strength to heal Arthur, which then begets more angst on the latter's part!"... And what happens next? Exactly that. Thank you :)
- for the vast majority of the story, I loved your characterizations and felt they were spot-on!
- as someone who has dealt/been dealing with several of the same problems as our poor Merlin has, I would like to say that you did a brilliant job of portraying what it was like to be inside his head and helping us empathize and sympathize (because they're similar, but not the same, haha) with him. Well done!
- yes, I cannot say enough that the amount of angst and hurt/comfort and caring!Arthur and selfloathing!Merlin was pure brilliance
- to illustrate what a good writer you are: you wrote several paragraphs describing Merlin's choice of knife used in his first suicide attempt. In many cases, this would be unnecessary and draggy and would annoy me as a reader. Not so with you; I lapped it up and found it added a lot to my understanding of the character and the situation and that it offered insight to what was going on in Merlin's head
- I am so inexpressibly happy that you didn't choose to abandon your story after you received all those negative reviews for making it 'too gory'! That would have been such a shame indeed, and I would feel less the richer for having read it! :)
- I like that your author's notes were present, but never rambley and taking up more than their fair share of the page. Also, that you acknowledged your reviews, but didn't spend half the page answering them at length in the chapter. I know it's a nice gesture from the author, but especially when I'm really into the story, it distracts me and I feel like I have to wade through loads of stuff first
- I also like the fact that you didn't beg for reviews. I've always felt like an author should first an foremost write because they want to, not do it for the sole purpose of getting reviews, and it made me want to review even more :)
- I also loved the scene of Merlin's funeral. I don't read deathfics really ever (I find them too upsetting, usually), but getting to read that aspect, where we get to see how affected Arthur would be, without the permanent loss, was brilliant :)
- when Merlin and Kilgarrah were in the field and Kilgarrah heard the rustling in the bushes, I totes thought that it was Arthur, having come to find Merlin! Yep, I called it :D haha. (Though I had hoped that, having heard their conversation, Arthur would have had a bit more faith in Merlin and would have reacted a bit better and more trustingly.)
- I also like how solid Merlin's reasoning was for wanting to end his life so badly. I find the depressed/suicidal Merlin stories just a bit hard to believe when his reasoning is "this life is hard, and I'm exhausted and no one appreciates me and I miss Freya", because I truly do believe that Merlin would hold his destiny of keeping Arthur alive above all else, including his own happiness. But your reasoning of those things, but on addition to "I'm trying my best, but everything I try to do falls to pieces and I'm actually doing more harm than good and everyone close to me dies and the world is better off without me" is solid and irrefutable (not that I agree with Merlin, of course, but it's understandable that he would feel that way, and I personally feel it would be sufficient reason to him to take such drastic measures. As I do feel that he really would require rock-solid reasoning.

I'm not sure if I have anything much else to say about it. In short: your story was amazing. I loved it. I wish it could have kept going. I would love to read a sequel, more stuff like your epilogue, like life for Merlin and Arthur after all these events and now that Arthur and the knights know about his magic! :)

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your gift with this fandom.

merlinsdestiny chapter 7 . 8/12/2015
im like shaking holy shit the suspense im
icann ot hAndlE


(this is really really rrEAALY good i lOVE THIS)
Fantasy's Magic chapter 26 . 7/14/2015
Hi there

I know it's been a couple years since you've finished this, but I just wanted to say that I thought this was an absolutely fantastic story, and I enjoyed every moment of reading it. You're writing is fantastic, everyone is perfectly in-character, and the plot was well thought and well carried out! Amazing job, thanks so much for writing and sharing!
Brighter Dreams chapter 26 . 4/7/2015
This story was an emotional roller coaster. Thanks for posting!
DalekQueen7 chapter 24 . 3/12/2015
Sweet Lord, you are a long-winded one. Nevertheless, I have enjoyed the story, even if it has taken me three times longer than usual... :)
thebondgirl chapter 26 . 2/26/2015
My internet froze on my when I went to post this review last night, but at last it's working again! And so here it goes: absolutely, without a doubt, I could not have asked for a better final five chapters :) - I sat here reading them for hours, quite literally on the edge of my seat, and was enthralled. And that chapter where Merlin heals Arthur especially! Holy crap, was that ever intense and breathtaking - the devotion and suffering shouted out from every line. And by the time I reached the end of the epilogue, aside from being terribly sad that I was out of story to read, I was left with the absolute warmth of the peace achieved between Merlin and Arthur, and the promise of that among the other knights as well, and I was all smiles for the rest of the night. I'm not even sure I could ever give voice to just how many things you got completely right with this story, with how all of it hit the exact right notes. Just... beautiful, perfectly beautiful :) this was an absolute joy to read.
thebondgirl chapter 21 . 2/24/2015
I've been binge-reading this story for the past day and a half, and the only reason I'm stopping for the night now after I leave this review is because I already stayed up almost all of last night reading this... and after being a zombie in class today, I have to grudgingly admit I need to sleep a full night tonight :P

That being said, here's the conclusion I've drawn from two days of being glued to my laptop, in a way I haven't been from any fanfiction in a very long time: I AM BLOWN AWAY BEYOND WORDS. When I did a random search for Merlin angsty stories to pass the time with and came across this one, I had NO idea what I was in for. Just freakin' AMAZING. The breadth of emotion, the absolute believability and engrossing portrayal of the struggles all of the characters have gone through up to this chapter, the characterization of the people and their bonds with one another... just... all of it. Every single little bit of it... AMAZING. And I can't freakin' believe this is the only story you've written on here! Talk about knocking it out of the park your first time out! And... bloody hell... I mean... gah!

I'm too tired to be more coherent with my praise, but know that I've loved it all, and that you're incredibly talented, and it is damn well KILLING ME that I have to refrain from reading the final five chapters until tomorrow night. Seriously, can't say enough good about your writing and your story, and I will be waiting with bated breath until I can read on to find out how this all turns out!
PhoebeLeFey chapter 26 . 10/17/2014
Sigh. Oh how I wish this didn't have to end! :) I thoroughly enjoyed your story. I can't really tell you how much I really wish it didn't end. But ah, well, all good things must, eh? :D I almost cried when you described the funeral pyre scene. I was like "NO! Noonononono! please no!" xD OMG I was so teary eyed until you started laying the hints that it wasn't, in fact, true. Thank you for the wonderful read. I would love to read another one sometime.

PhoebeLeFey chapter 8 . 10/16/2014
Hey, me again! I LOVE your story. I was almost panicked as I read it, my legs drumming restlessly as I waited for Gaius to return, I almost gasped aloud as you described what Merlin looked like, chanting in my head 'please don't die on us!' while loving every second of the delicious angst. THank you. THank you from the bottom of my interesting little heart. I have been wanting a story with some oomph to it in the drama department and girl, did you deliver! ONWARDS!
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