|Reviews for New Solider|
| Guest chapter 1 . 9/9/2014
Spartan lazar? You mean spartan laser
| Dr.equinox chapter 3 . 7/18/2014
So far it's a nice story. You've got a good
Character and AI and plot, but it seems you need to watch your periods
So pls watch out for those please:)
| GBC405 chapter 1 . 10/9/2012
This chapter is pointless,almost nothing happens
| GBC405 chapter 3 . 10/9/2012
The grammer is terrible and the first chapter is much happens in the first chapter or even the 2nd.
| Ayane458 chapter 1 . 9/27/2012
Ok, first thing's first: a lot of what I'm about to say has probably already been covered by Spoony below me. (BCBW) However, I'm just going to go into more detail.
Forewarning: you might not like a lot of what’s in this review. Sorry for that.
Title and Summary:
‘New Solider’ is a very generic, misspelled title. It’s ‘soldier’ not ‘solider’. And the title is likely to be skimmed over. Try making it more emotive and interesting. Plus, it’s not going to stay relevant. Your OC isn’t going to be a new soldier forever.
As for the summary, there are so many grammar mistakes most people are going to skip it even with a decent title. ‘Unknowing sending a rival person, to once person on the Blue team.’ I barely even know what this means. I assume it means ‘Unknowingly sending an old rival to someone on Blue team’.
Even in the summary, I suggest getting a Beta reader to correct these errors. You can get them on this site fairly easily.
We know who the teams are. You do not need to tell us, nor is it necessary to give a repeat of the summary.
I’ll get into your character later, but the profile also is unnecessary. Find a way to weave the information into the story rather than telling us straight off. It’s rather off-putting to have to wade through that before getting into the story.
Again, grammar and spelling are issues here. Read over your work aloud –that should give you some hint as to where things like commas go (where you pause naturally) and when sentences just don’t make sense.
Sentences tend to end rather randomly.
‘Caboose did the man tell you. Who this person was?"’ Why is there a full stop there? This should be one sentence: ‘Caboose, did the man tell you who this person was?’
There are quite a few other examples of this here.
It feels very boring, a short chapter you tacked on to give some background. I don’t even see the point of the Red Army bit. And the actual plot bit, the Blues and Stuart, was very short and gave us pretty much no information.
If they read the summary and the profile, there’s certainly no need to have it in the second chapter.
Refer to review of chapter one for grammar comments.
Now I don’t claim to be an expert on military, but if your OC is actually a General, then he really shouldn’t be in Valhalla. Yes, the rank sounds badass, but they are responsible for large areas and a high number of troops and don’t go off on to an unimportant base for training by themselves. Not only that, but one rarely reaches the rank before 20 years of service. This is sort of unnecessary if it’s just a nickname or whatever, though…
It has taken three chapters for the plot to start –that’s too long.
‘he hated that guy so much’. There’s a saying in writing: ‘show, don’t tell’. You’re telling us he hates him. That’s boring! Heck, I was fine with it until that line. I already figured they hated each other from the whole ‘yelling and pointing guns at each other’ thing. Give your readers a little credit.
Seriously check up on that grammar.
The armour colour is first up. I cannot count how many OCs have black and red armour. The thing is, black is Tex’s colour, and a lot of discerning readers will dislike the story for a) being so predictable and b) stealing a canon character’s colour. That’s not to say he can’t have a dark colour. Why not midnight blue or deep, deep red? Or hey, he’s English, right? I guessed from the flag on his armour. Why not British racing green? Great colour.
Two: where’s his personality? So far we’ve seen he likes his AI and dislikes Wash. Other than that… I cannot tell you a thing about him. I see how you’ve included his goals (get revenge on PF for what they did to the AI) and I actually appreciate that, at least we know what he’s after. But is he ruthless? Is he going to bring them to justice by cutting down all those in his path? Or does he want them to face a fair court?
Lastly, his weapons. Spartan laser and katana sword? I can accept the first, but the latter’s sort of straining my suspension of disbelief. What use could he have for a sword when he has guns? Why does he get a sword when most have to make do with combat knives? Where did he learn to use that sword? It seems like you’re just trying to give him the coolest weapons but aren’t giving him any reason to have them.
Overall, I’m going to have to label him a flat character. He’s poorly written and his abilities (the ones you’ve told us about in the profile) aren’t really justified. I suggest you try reading some guides on how to create a believable OC (there are several on the internet, hell, on this site).
| SpoonyAzul chapter 2 . 9/20/2012
Okay, here we go.
Go back and fix the title. Simple Misspellings like that make readers want to move to the next fanfiction. Proper punctuation and grammar go a long way and will help you attract more readers.
Now, take out the current teams section, the Story Background and the profile on your OC. It's all distracting and readers, well, read for the storytelling. They already know who is on what team, they've watched the series on the RT website, some of which were from the very beginning. They don't need a reminder of who everyone is!
One other thing you need to take care of is grammar. Having your stories proofread and/or looked at from a beta writer is the difference between a good story and Grammar Nazis and flamers swooping down on you and tearing you and your story to pieces.
And as for your OC? I would make some changes. The only person in Project Freelancer who capable of using two armor enhancements was Carolina. Also, Delta was never a Smart AI, he was a Logic Fragment of a Smart AI. And how is an AI very strong?
I would advise going back and trying again, going back through your story and fixing the grammar errors.
| Sicarius117 chapter 1 . 9/13/2012
Very good. Hey, I was wondering, do you think it would be a good idea to do a Halo/Lion King crossover and see where that goes? Keep this going I want to know more.:)
| Khan of Yami chapter 1 . 9/13/2012
Thanks sin! It fells great to see this stroy up agin. Cant wait to see how it goess!
Signed with a seal of pure Asian Darcnyss,
Khan of Yami