|Reviews for Vehemence|
| Glacious 98 chapter 13 . 4/21
First, let me apologize for not reviewing this sooner. But what can I say? Life and the fanfic I'm writing got in the way.
That being said, I love this chapter. Absolutely love it. Way better than the last one, and even though the pacing for the first three paras was a bit slow, that's just a minor concern. Naruto's thoughts in those first three or four paras seem just a touch out of character for him( not the self defeating tone or the hopelessness, but the complexity). To put it bluntly, Naruto is an idiot. Which is why everyone loves him. So the complexity of thought there was just a touch OOC.
Other than that, i absolutely loved every single interaction in this chapter. Hinata's fear of Naruto was incredibly well done and that entire scene was fast paced. This is how the scene from the previous chapter should have been done.
Sasuke and Naruto's interactions so far have to be your strong point. Love both the concern shown and the banter between the two.
Sakura and Naruto's interaction is also well done. And you've kept your word of suddenly turning this thing in its head. Sakura's reasons seem a lot more obscure now. And you made me pity Naruto. Again. You're on a roll!
Anyway, keep up the good work. As an aside, you sent me screaming and sobbing to the dictionary on no less than half a dozen occasions this time. Beware, Aquarius. I will remember this. I will remember this forever. And just when you think you're safe and sound, I'll send an entire army of Sakura fangirls with garlic and pink crayons and silver crosses your way, all of them flailing their arms and screaming bloody murder.
No one gets away with sending me to the dictionary. No one.
| Glacious 98 chapter 12 . 4/18
Alright. That's chapter 12 done. I'll have to say I'm somewhat disappointed with this one, given the cliffhanger in the previous chapter.
The pacing is off. It drags on far too much for a scene that should be fast paced. This is especially true with regard to the first half which was meant to 'resolve' the cliff hanger from the previous chapter.
My second complaint here is that Naruto is too OOC. Now, I normally wouldn't mention that, given it's a work of fanfiction, but I know how much you love keeping characters true to their canonical counterparts. He isn't this ruthless or cruel. And if it is the Kyuubi causing him to be that way, then I'd have to say even that was poorly done, considering that this is a Naruto in his twenties who has already mastered the rasenshuriken. Now, the impression I got from this scene is that that was about a tail's worth chakra, or perhaps the chakra cloak which manifests without a tail( so less than a tail's worth.). Now, canonically, there are two or three instances where he uses this much chakra. And he was mostly in control on every occasion. This was particularly true when he faced Haku AFTER he thought he had killed Sasuke. Inspite of that, Naruto didn't lose control there, stopping the moment Haku's mask fell off. So that entire scene and his flying into such a rage when confronted by a woman he has been wed to for five years seems a bit iffy to me.
Other than that, great imagery, even though it wasn't needed at all in the first half. And you could've satisfied your desire for imagery in the second half. You did that to some extent, but I wouldn't have minded much if those scenes had been a bit slower. Bottom line? The first half read as the second should have and the second as the first should have.
So, not bad. A decent attempt. But I've come to expect a lot better from your story.
| Glacious 98 chapter 11 . 4/17
Chapter 11 done.
Before I start...let me breathe and murmur 'holy fuck' over and over again. This. I want to see more of this. Sasuke remorselessly cutting down Fuu. Naruto's reaction in that cliff hanger. I can see what you meant when you said chapters 10 and 11 are to be read in conjunction. That still doesn't make all the criticism with regard to Hinata invalid, mind you, but the somewhat languid pace is at least marginally understandable in light of this.
As an aside, why the weird fetish for turning all Uzumaki women into prostitutes? It was Mito in the rise of the phoenix. It's Karin here. Still, each to his own and authorial liberties and all that...
I won't pretend I still fully understand what's going on beyond Sasuke trying to find out the truth behind his clan's massacre and obsessively stalking and randomly murdering ROOT members, but there has got to be a purpose to this, right?
Itachi is well written. Really well written. His concern for his brother while at the same time his willingness to drag him into a torturous genjutsu is definitely well done.
As for Sasuke's ems, I m assuming he got those eyes from either his mother or his father? And does Itachi have ems too? Well, I suppose I'll have to read on and find out.
| Glacious 98 chapter 10 . 4/15
Alright. That's ten chapters done. I went back to chapter 1 and read the entire thing in conjunction, to get an idea about the pacing( I do this at times. After all, reading a chapter every two days messes with the flow at times.)
My general impression? Everything from chapter 1 to 10 could ve been better done. Sure, it's better than, what, 99 percent of the fanfics here, but the pace is too slow. Too damn slow. You end up getting bogged down by descriptive imagery far too often, to the point that at times, I find myself losing the basic thread of thought you d started off with and getting distracted by the imagery.
This is especially true in the first half of chapter ten. You've churned out, what, 2000 words, but...nothing really happened. No development, no progress, no taking the story forward. Just essentially a repetition of what we'd read in chapters 8 and 9 with some talk of Hinata being dragged out on a mission. This would be fine if it were some tragic event or character death that bears repeating. But there's only so many times one can listen to Hinata dreamily going 'I want Sasuke-sama's cock' without being put off slightly. Not by the thought itself( everyone wants Sasuke sama's cock. Everyone!) but by how many times it is repeated.
Don't get me wrong. It's beautifully written. The imagery is mind boggling. The prose is splendid. But, all this is entirely negated due to the pace having been reduced to a snail's crawl. I wouldn't have minded this at all, if you weren't essentially recycling thoughts from the last two chapters. All in all, chapters 1 to 10 could've been reduced to, what, 6 chapters and maybe 20-25,000 words( instead of the 40,000 odd so far) and had a better impact as compared to what it now did. So you really need to work on your pacing( as I need to work on my scene placement).
I don't mean any of this as criticism. I say this because I know you're working on your original work and I hope this helps you with the pacing in that.
The rest of the chapter was fine. On the balance, well done. 10/10 for the first 10 chapters as a reader. Maybe 7/10 as a writer cum critic.
| Glacious 98 chapter 53 . 4/14
So I read about 500 words of chapter 53( consider it idle curiosity to know how much your style has evolved over the years) and all I've to say is...oh my God. Oh my fucking God. Why aren't you a published author yet? There was something...incredible about the imagery. Incredibly beautiful. Incredibly professional.
It genuinely is a pity you didn't choose to turn this into a light hearted romance. It would've sold like hot cakes.
And no, I'm not reading this chapter any further than Naruto's wistful thoughts about having had sex with Sakura. I don't want spoilers. But I wish I could. I really, really wish I could. The writing's just on another level when compared to the first few chapters
| Glacious 98 chapter 9 . 4/11
The chapters are slowly getting better and things are beginning to progress. There's almost nothing that could possibly be removed from this to make it better. So, nearly perfect pacing. The writing is as brilliant as it usually is and the fact that you've cut back a bit on the descriptions is awesome. They were bogging your story down at some points.
With regard to Sakura, I'm not entirely comfortable with what you're turning her into. This is veering dangerously close to bashing at times. I mean, to say Sakura is no match for either Naruto or Sasuke( or any other S rank shinobi for that matter) is one thing( I'd place her at mid A rank at best. Maybe on par with Asuma if we were pushing it) and that's justified,but to suggest she'd have to cheat to pass the jonin exams quite another( Kurenai passed after all as a genjutsu specialist, it's not inconceivable to assume Sakura( who is the most gifted medic Konoha has produced after Tsunade) would clear it on the basis of her skill in that department.). So that's a significant deviation from her canonical persona( unless ofc, Sasuke's accusations are supposed to show his paranoia and have no basis in reality).
Now, Minato and Kushina. It was...interesting to see them being so cold and refined while dealing with Naruto. I like the way this story is going. Will keep reading and reviewing.
| Glacious 98 chapter 8 . 4/8
Alright. Perfect chapter. Perfect, perfect chapter. If I ever consider writing erotica, I'm coming back and reading this. You've captured both Hinata's lust and her sentiments surrounding the entire thing really well. I'm not in a position to say anything more on this matter, quite simply because I probably couldn't have written anything like this. I'd say the pace is a bit slow, but then again, it's eroticism. Of the few works I've come across in that genre, it's meant to be slow.
As an aside, you aren't planning on being the next EL James and unleashing the next fifty shades of grey on the world, are you? ( I say it in jest, but you could probably string together an entire set of semi coherent sex scenes along with a flimsy plot and become a best selling author. It works!)
| Glacious 98 chapter 7 . 4/8
Alright, positive for chapter 7 first:
The first scene is well written. The dialogue between Sasuke and Naruto is realistic. It's how I'd expect both of them to act.
Now, the last scene. Oh my God, that last scene. That entire part starting from Naruto returning home, to his interaction with Hinata, to Sasuke's interaction with Hinata is just...perfect. I mean it, per effin fect. It's probably the best scene so far in your story. The emotion created is splendid, the idea you wished to convey is done beautifully and you actually managed to make me alternate between feeling sorry for Naruto to wanting to punch the s**t out of him. Well done, really well done.
'They pulled her gaze towards them, so enchanting and mesmerizing. They were like two specters within the reality of reason with their endless red lust and allure. '
Don't tell me he sleeps with her as well? And if he doesn't, then that description is out of place. And if it's meant to show her secret lust for him, I think you're going overboard. This might've sounded better if narrated during a Sakura or a Hinata scene.
The entire Tsunade and Sasuke scene; shorter sentences and simpler language to convey more emotion, maybe? When the sentences get long and the words used complex( I can still follow them without a dictionary, ofc, but still, people don't revert to speaking like 18th century literary playrights when annoyed. They get sloppy. They get abusive. The language goes from refined to simple minded garbage that gets across the frustration really, really well.). For example, when you're really annoyed, do you say: 'You have wound my heart, ser, and the burdens that these barren plains bear shall forever condemn you to a life of miserable mediocrity and wounded repugnance. Your pained repentance shall be overlooked by those you love, and you shall be discarded like a used arsewipe sullied by the worst that mankind has to offer.' or would you prefer 'f*** you, you fu***ng arsewipe.'? Still, you've done a decent job with that scene. Could've conveyed more emotion, though. Sakura's reaction at the end of that one was perfect.
That being said, you really, really dislike Sakura, don't you?
| Glacious 98 chapter 6 . 4/7
Wrt ch 6:
Women were always an easy game for him.'
You've mentioned this in separate ways about 4 times in that chapter. Unnecessary. Let the reader draw his own conclusions.
The entire sex scene with Mei once he returned from the cave was unnecessary. It only adds to the word count. No new ideas are conveyed here( well, there's the reason why he's after Danzo-his fear of losing Itachi to ROOT- but that could've been placed elsewhere). It's essentially an extension of what happened last chapter. Again, unnecessary. You could've terminated that scene with one line after he returned. Would've been more graceful.
Again, the repeated descriptions of Mei's beautu could've been avoided too. It doesn't take anything away from the story, but it adds nothing to it either. Once would've been enough. ( No, not even emphasis justifies re cycling that same idea thrice. She's just another one night stand, after all.)
About the para describing Hinata's 'excitement' on hearing Sasuke's voice...don't you think you're overdoing it a bit with her repeated thoughts on Sasuke every chapter? I mean, once in two or three chapters ought to be enough to give the reader a very good idea as to what she's thinking about. Again, this is a pacing issue that slows down the tempo.
That's it for this chapter. Outside of all that, it's very well written. Would've liked it more if it had been about 65% as long as it is atm.
| Glacious 98 chapter 5 . 4/6
Wrt chapters 4& 5, well, the story is finally starting to pick up! There's a definite increase in tempo. And not a second too soon. There are a few things that could be improved upon( and nothing worthy of a specific mention from chapter 5), but other than that, everything's well written. You've captured Itachi's and Mei's characters really well ( even though I'm not entirely sure how likely she'd actually be to sleep with a hostile shinobi), so that's definitely a positive. Will definitely read the rest and review as I go along.
| Glacious 98 chapter 3 . 4/3
Alright, about chapter 3,
'He didn't love her and he was sure she felt the same.'
This is a tad unrealistic. There's a significant difference between canon( where she's been stalking him for a decade and where he remains blissfully unaware), and between what happens here( they ve been married 5 years). Even Naruto isn't dumb enough to not notice her affections. Unless, of course, there are circumstances down the line that you show through Hinata's pov( or Naruto's) that make that statement understandable. Him realizing her affections and not returning them is one matter( and fairly realistic in arranged marriages), him not even knowing quite another.
'If it wasn't true then she could have asked him to love her, to be intimate with her … she didn't care about his needs.'
Unnecessary. The previous couple of lines already point to that. Again, there's nothing wrong with overtly saying this, but it slows down the story. I think this is often the author's greatest curse. To leave emotions as they are, fairly well explained but still a touch subtle or to come out and explain everything right away. The latter slows down the story, the former attracts trolls and 'wtf' moments if not done properly. Maybe this is something you should try working on?
'He was just a dead-last to her.'
A case of a single line explaining more than a thousand words. This is well done.
'There Naruto would find her, nose buried in some book to try and replicate the drawing patterns on thick papers to make lamps.'
Why a second reference to lamps in two paras? Do they hold some symbolic significance that you're bringing the reader's attention to them again and again? If not, this again slows down the story.
Wrt to what I initially wrote about him not realizing Hinata's affections; his thought process so far makes it more believeable. It's still a point of dubious repute, mind you, but you've done a good job portraying it.
'"Leave me alone," he said as his voice wavered like a drunken man's, limping alone on the street.'
Single inverted commas and thinking instead of saying might've been just a touch more apt here. Again, it's 20 to 19, so they're close substitutes. People usually think such thoughts instead of saying them out loud when they're alone. Then again, what you've done conveys dramatic effect.
'A broad smile disturbed her features '
Unintentional or a predatory contrast? This pov is Naruto's after all. 'disturbed' probably wasn't the right word choice.
Oh wait. This is third peson omniscient. For half a moment there, I confused it with my writing style, where the povs don't shift within a scene. So that was intentional then. Kudos.
Btw, why is Sakura cinging onto Naruto? 'To stay on Sasuke's team' is just a touch iffy as an excuse. Is there something else as well?
Naruto's attitude about Hinata's affair, while hypocritical, is well in line with what was expected of that time period( and to a limited extent, even now). You've done a splendid job of portraying that.
'He would bend, break and realize she loved him …sooner or later.'
Again, Sakura here can't be driven by obsessive lust and a disturbing fixation alone. Does she also wish for the prestige that comes along with being the matriarch of the Uchiha clan?( assuming Mikoto and Fugaku are dead and Itachi missing). Keep in mind that Sasuke could, realistically, sleep with her anytime and then abandon her like a used tissue. No one would say a word. Again, that's well within the parameters of that period. So she needs to have a deeper endgame here. Can she ensure pregnancy? Some form of blackmail? Anything?
I'm beginning to see what you meant by 'different chapters running at different paces' the story overall is still slow, but chapter 2 and 3 have been a touch faster.
Other than this( and the few other things I mentioned in my pm), the story so far is pretty good.
| Glacious 98 chapter 1 . 3/30
I ve read the first two chapters so far. You have a way with words. Your descriptions are incredibly well written and your characters remain true to their canonical personas( mostly, at least. Naruto is the exception. I don't remember him being a cheating douchebag. But other than that, he's in character.). The symbolism at several places is really, really well done. The prose is crisp and lucid, and you made me run to the dictionary on a couple of occasions( quite the accomplishment, I assure you.).
As far as the negatives go, the pacing is somewhat off at some places and there were a couple of occasions where the prose involved/sentiments expressed would ve been better off placed elsewhere in the story.
Great job so far!
| Guest chapter 54 . 3/28
I believe that Sakura is going to die. it seems that karma has a way of catching up to you, and she does not appear to be in good standing with either Itachi or Sasuke. I also believe that Kikyo will be the first of the femmes' to fall. I hope that I am correct.
| libretamagica chapter 53 . 3/22
Amo la amistad de sasuke y naruto siempre calienta mi corazón aunque naruto sea tan egoísta en esta historia y sasuke se acueste con su esposa ahhhh esto no saldrá bien verdad? Rayos! Espero que no terminen muy mal .Me alegra que minato muestre preocupación por su hijo y me divirtió un poco el peleando con no sabe ser civil o diplomático en ningún tengo idea de que descubrió itachi pero que bien que ya vuelve a konoha bueno dejare de divagar en resumen me gusto mucho este capí tuvo todo.
| Guest chapter 53 . 3/21
Naruto is delusional if he think he is a one woman man. Didn't he just said minutes ago that he and Sasuke can share a whore? If he really loves Sakura like he think does, he better get off his ass and give Hinata the divorce they both wanted. Instead of moping like a coward that can only think with what's hanging between his legs. He is so pathetic and selfish.
He also relies too much on Sasuke. He made Sasuke gave up his dream of ANBU so that he can get his wish of being his teammate. Naruto only cares about what he wants and never consider how someone else feels. This is pretty apparent when he kept making Hinata cried in pain during sex. He had too much pride and ego, to go get some tips on how to please a woman better. Wonder how many times Sakura had to fake it when she have sex with him? All this goes to show how weak, clingy, and selfish of a person Naruto is. If you kill him off in the story, I would not even blink an eye that you got rid of the fool.