|Reviews for Together at Last|
| No-Rhyme-Just-Reason chapter 2 . 7/13/2014
I really like this story so far, and where it seems to be going. It's just a little confusing in this chapter, the way you have it written.
From the first paragraph, we understand that the scene is viewed from Angela's first-person perspective. "Tony and I; the money 'we' owe the government," etc.; then Tony starts speaking to Angela and addresses her by name.
After some back-and-forth conversation between Tony and Angela, Mona joins them. Angela meanwhile continues talking to Tony, then:
—"Can I say something?" She asked. We both turned to her...
You made an isolated pronoun reference to Mona when the closest direct reference was two paragraphs earlier. Since this is the first time Mona has spoken or acted since entering the room, has not been previously addressed by either Tony or Angela; and there are more than two characters present, she should be mentioned by name here. It's a small thing; but nevertheless gives your readers a brief pause to confirm the identity of the speaker ("who is 'she'?..."), thus breaking their concentration (if only for a moment). As an aside, since "she asked" is a speech verb (and not the beginning of a new sentence), it functions as a dialogue tag and therefore should not be capitalized.
But it is further down in the story, when Billy leaves and Mona enters Angela's room that things get a little mixed up. (For clarity of reference re the material being quoted, I have removed the blank lines between paragraphs):
"Hi Mona!" He said walking out. Mother looked at me.
"I know what you're going to say and I don't want to talk about it." Mother walked over at sat on the bed next to me.
"What am I going to say?" I challenged.
"You are talking about me having a ceremony. Tony wants to have a wedding ceremony and you want me to go through with it." Mother nodded.
"Yes, that's part of it. Tony loves you Angela; he just wants to have a wedding ceremony. You can't even give him that?" I sighed.
"There are too many things that go into it and we are married already."
"Angela, you can't take this away from him." I sat up and glared at her...
We the reader can presume it is still Angela's perspective whenever the pronoun "I" is used. But since you're combining dialogue from one character with the actions of another (I challenged; Mother nodded; I sighed; I sat up and glared; I nodded, etc.) in the same paragraph, the reader is forced to pause to figure out the identity of the speaker for each line of dialogue. Paragraphs like, "'Angela-' I stood up." make it seem as though the scene is being viewed through *Mona's* perspective instead of her daughter's.
This sometimes happens when a character makes two separate statements in a row (usually for dramatic effect, or in a monologue), with a paragraph break in between, combined with unclear (or in some cases, no) dialogue tags indicating a continuation. But I suspect what occurred here was a lack of clarity as to who made the initial statement, followed by a subsequently incorrect pronoun referent. The reader is forced to stop, back up, and try to sort out who said what. This can make for a tedious reading experience, even if the other aspects of the story are excellent.
Another aspect that's a little jarring is the inconsistent proper noun capitalization. Whenever "mother" is a direct stand-in replacement reference for "Mona," for instance, it should be capitalized, whether or not it comes at the beginning of the sentence. Some direct examples in this story:
• "What is it, Mother?"
• Billy climbed off the bed and opened the door just soon enough for Mother to walk in.
• I truly considered marrying Geoffrey three years ago; or did Mother not remember that?
• I walked out of the kitchen, but heard Mother's footsteps on the tile floor.
• I rolled my eyes because I was sure it was Mother.
If you are uncertain where to capitalize and where to leave it lowercase (this goes for "Dad" or "Grandma," etc. as well), then try replacing it with the person's name. If it sounds /grammatically/ correct (i.e., irrespective of whether the character would ordinarily refer to the other individual by their first name), then capitalize. If it does not (as with the case of "my dad," for instance), then leave them lowercase.
Regarding the actual plot and characterization of your story, this is definitely worth reading. For starters, I think the story's "what-if?" premise holds a lot of possibilities ripe for exploration. The spelling has been near-perfect; and you've included those occasional bits of humor that "Who's the Boss?" as a sitcom is known for. When Angela replied to Tony, "We can do something intimate" (re the wedding ceremony), I had half-expected Mona to chime in with one of her classic double entendres, lol.
The interaction between Angela and Billy is also quite endearing. The reader can get a sense of their emotional bonding here (as annoying as the character might be at times, I thought it was a shame that the original scriptwriters later chose to later take him away from Tony and Angela).
Looking forward to the next chapter!
| Tangela13 chapter 2 . 7/1/2014
I really like your story, I just hope there's more to come and "Tony" starts acting the love sick puppy dog we all know he is. Roll on the "Wedding".
| Acer83 chapter 2 . 6/30/2014
like it good chapter
| loveforpenandder chapter 1 . 9/28/2012
cute revised ending
| purple83 chapter 1 . 9/19/2012
I like this so far. Will you keep going?