Reviews for The Unraveling
Guest chapter 14 . 12/30/2014
kirito you antisocial ass
Guest chapter 9 . 12/30/2014
damn kirito's hogging the cool sword
Guest chapter 5 . 12/29/2014
technically they can have sex
looks awkwardly with twitching eyes at asuna and kirito in chapter 16.5
Guest chapter 3 . 12/29/2014
(lol wait until kayaba trolls)
Evelhundrege chapter 1 . 12/20/2013
Interesting OCs. I expect great things from this.
all forms of fluff chapter 20 . 11/8/2013
A damn fine story. The two OCs seemed like real people compared to the fantastical anime/manga quality of the characters in the cannon material. Granted the story is ment for entertainment for teenagers to adults and needs some aspects of MMORPGs being glossed over in favor of making the story more 'fun' to watch. That being said this particluar story could have had a few more action sceans, or maybe some more game mecanic descriptions, if only to flesh out your version of SAO which might not be vastly different then what little is mentioned in the source material. Then again there is two other stories with these characters in them so maybe you do get around to it. This story seemed to be an introduction of the Camilla & Kadyn, and in that sence you have suceeded. SO I will thank you for this story as it was a good read, and I am off to catch The Red Valkyrie. Untill then Thank you for the story.
Guest chapter 20 . 8/22/2013
Great story. My only complaint is the Kadyn hasn't really done much compared to Camilla
skywiseskychan chapter 20 . 7/23/2013
Fun little story. I really rather enjoyed it.
skywiseskychan chapter 17 . 7/23/2013
I just have to comment, I love the bit about good UI if not being a death trap. That was hilarious.
bobbo chapter 20 . 4/30/2013
one of the most disturbing things about Kawahara's story is the implications of the demographics that would be playing. it's probably mostly kids.

also you have a damn good fic here.
bobbo chapter 6 . 4/30/2013
you write terror well.
2ndsly chapter 20 . 4/8/2013
You have a talent for writing Fanfiction. Every fic of yours I've read has been more like expansions of canon then fanfic. I loved the way you gave life to this otherwise unscripted area, the way it flows into canon elements makes it seamlessly blend.

That said, I did have one small issue. I engyed the story, but it feels more like slice of life/intro then a story. It has most the proper elements, but it doesn't feel complete in and of itself. I think what hurt it most is we never actually so the final transformation that made these two people(which you did a marvelous job depicting them as realistically as possible) go from resting in a safe zone to pulling their armor back on. We know why, but there's something lost in it. It feels like there could have been more then a detailed summary. As is it just doesnt seem to cap the ending like it could.

These effects are downplayed, and in the long veiw unimportant, because there is a sequel up. Few are going to worry at the end to this story when they can just jump into the next.

Good work.
Palistus chapter 3 . 4/4/2013
As a note, you can see other player's menus/HUDs. This is noted in the fact that Sachi figured out Kirito's level difference while she was staying with him since she peeked at his character info menu while he was doing stuff on it.
ImmaneuelKanter chapter 20 . 3/17/2013
Thanks for writing both this and Fairy Dance. Haven't read fan fiction in quite a while, years really, and, after watching the series, found you listed on TV Tropes.

I feel this story fixes many of the issues SAO had, issues that kept me from enjoying it as much as my favorite animated stories. Many of the characters in the show felt unreal or too immersed in the expectations of an action-oriented anime. Even though Kadyn and Camilla, I feel, could be improved, you made two actual people, which should be applauded.

Your use of foreshadowing was also generally effective.

I felt, though, that the Laughing Coffin characters weren't foreshadowed enough. You had the bridge sequence, but I didn't feel that was sufficient. There wasn't enough information to feel the Coffins had sufficiently understandable or solid motivation. Even a few sentences mentioning PKs, perhaps, for instance, in the SAO newspaper, would have been enough. Bring up the idea that Camilla's actions impacted some statistic, or that more PK players were being killed, or whatever else that might clue us in on their motivations after the fact. Something has to be on the line, and I wasn't sure what the Coffins had to gain. You have it there, increased respect, but I felt a jump in logic from your set up on the bridge to the delivery in the trap. Maybe it's there and I missed it.

(I've always thought that their real goal was to prevent everyone from clearing the game, so they could stay in this murder wonderland, but, unfortunately, the series doesn't give them much depth at all and paints them as blindly evil super-goons.)

That said, this one issue was the only negative thing to jump out at me after a first read. Sure, there's probably stylistic things I could nit-pick on, but, hey, you held my attention for the two weeks it took me to find time to read your piece.

It's been a pleasure. Looking forward to reading the next installment.
Halm Vendrella chapter 3 . 1/2/2013
It makes me sad to think how true VR gaming is about as likely as the flying cars we've been promised for decades, but regardless of whether or not we'll be able to experience what the characters of SAO do in our lifetimes, you've done a masterful job of encapsulating both the awkwardness and unbridled joy such a breakthrough would provide. Even knowing what's coming doesn't dampen the giddy (if vicarious) pleasure of exploring the interface of a new game you're actually IN, instead of just playing.

Also, seeing SAO's gameplay from the perspective of someone other than an experienced savant like Kirito helps crystallize some of the concepts like the Skill Assist and Sword Skills that the anime more or less glossed over as different colored special effects.
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