|Reviews for Naruto's New Pokegirl Adventure|
| Residenthobo chapter 4 . 10/8/2013
On the other story it said that this was a continuation of it.
And here it says it is a continuation of this.
I'm very confused.
| ndavid chapter 3 . 4/18/2013
gostei muito da historia
| ndavid chapter 2 . 4/18/2013
| ndavid chapter 1 . 4/18/2013
nice , bunnygirl cool pokegirl
| eternal nothingness chapter 3 . 12/22/2012
very nice. this chapter added depth to the characters and made people feel so in essence this is a true chapter.
| powermachine79 chapter 3 . 12/18/2012
loooks like a great story keep up the good work :)
| Ghost Reader1996 chapter 3 . 11/18/2012
i would like to see naruto get a virtual girl as one of his pokegirls
| Lord Anubis Judge of the dead chapter 3 . 11/3/2012
cute story. this is a decent pokegirl story. looking forward to more.
| The Engulfing Silence chapter 1 . 10/31/2012
Ok, so you still have some problems with your writing. The first problem I can see is in the first few paragraphs.
First off, try to keep any monogramming to a minimum. Rather than typing: ("*Ugh* my head" Naruto put a hand to his head and started rubbing, trying to sooth the massive headache he is having right now. "I haven't had a headache this bad since that one time I had a drinking contest with Anko-nee-chan".) Type something like: (Naruto's first thoughts upon entering the land of the living once more were somewhere along the lines of 'what the fuck hit me?' and 'last time I ever challenge Gamabunta to a drinking contest'. He had what was quite possibly the worst head ache he had ever had in his entire life, worse even than that time Anko had decided it was time for him to become a man and took him on that all night drinking binge.
Of course, the headache he had felt then was completely offset by the fact that he had woken up in Anko's bed with a very naked Anko snuggling into his side. Granted, he had been quite embarrassed at the time, and ever since that day Anko had teased him mercilessly every chance she got.)
Another issue you have is that, even though you took out many present tense words, it still has a present tense feel. The problem with using words in the present tense is that you have to rearrange other words to match up with them in order to make them feel right. Now your story feels like you just took out all of the present tense words, and changed them to past tense without really correcting the rest of the story to ease the transition between the two tenses.
For example, in our second paragraph you wrote: (We find Naruto in the middle of a clearing in an unknown forest laying on his back with one hand rubbing his head to try to calm down the drums drumming off in his head with his eyes closed shut in pain.) The key issue I have with this sentence is the term 'we find' which even though it's not necessarily present tense, still sounds more like you are talking about the present then you are the past. you do this quite often in this story, which is not surprising considering it was in present tense before.
Another issue that comes with sentences like this is that you mention 'we' as in 'we the readers'. Unless you are trying to break the fourth wall, which is only ever done for comedy purposes, you must never write 'we' in any of your stories unless it's dialogue or you are writing a story in first person perspective. Now, I won't correct all your work, but I will fix this part: (Naruto found himself laying on his back in the middle of a clearing in an unfamiliar forest. From his perspective, all he could really get a glimpse of was the canopy of tree branches, which had small rays of light shining through them. Despite the protestations his body made, Naruto held up a hand and began to tenderly rub his forehead as he tried to will away his headache, as well as block out the sun that was shining into his eyes.)
Your next problem is your description. First off, try not to give people exact measurements unless it's part of the story, like say, telling us how A-bra has a 102 centimeter bust, or something like that. A better way of describing a character like Naruto would be to write: (Naruto was fairly tall for a young man of eighteen, with bright blond hair that stuck up on his head in a messy bed of spikes, and cerulean blue eyes. He had tanned skin... etc. etc.) I think you get my point.
Also, in your description of Naruto you use the present tense several times, particularly you used the word appears rather than appeared. There are more in there, and doubtless more in the story as a whole, so you should probably fix that.
(The reason was because nobody didn't really like him a lot back then.) This is another problem, in case you haven't guessed yet. I want you to say this sentence out loud, or better yet, record it and play it back, and tell me if this sentence sounds like proper English. Then I want you to do the same to this sentence and see if you can tell the difference: (The reason was due to the fact that nobody had liked him back then.)
I'm sure you can tell the differences right off the bad. Your first problem was the use of 'didn't really'. There are only a few times you can ever combine those two words in a sentence, for example: "I didn't really think about it." which is really the only time I can see the two words being used together actually working. This is something you need to watch out for.
Now, I'm going to be honest with you, this story still needs a lot of work before I would truly consider it readable. While probably 75% of the readers on this site won't care one way or the other so long as Naruto acts like a total BAMF, I hold writing technique and using proper English to the highest degree possible. If a story isn't written well, then it's simply not worth reading.
However, while I won't be reading this story any further unless it gets corrected, don't think it doesn't have potential. It can be a good story, but you'll need to work on your writing and learning how to write better.
I would suggest doing two things. First, get a beta reader, this will go a long way towards fixing some of your grammatical and writing errors. The second thing I would suggest is reading stories where the writing is impeccable. The people I hold as the best writers for Naruto fanfiction are Kenchi618, AlphaDelta1001, Darth Malleus, Daniel Rush, Kiiam, and Lanky Nathan.
Now, when I say read their work, I don't just mean read it. I want you to actually study their work, how they structure their sentences, how they write their paragraphs, how they arrange the words they use, along with what words they use. When I first started writing, this is what I actually did, I looked at the works of people who inspired me to write, and did my best to try and mimic how they wrote. Eventually, I was able to get my English to a decent enough level where I no longer need to do that.
| Skelo chapter 3 . 10/25/2012
Love it lolz! nice to see a new pokegirl update. Keep it up!
| Wonijs chapter 3 . 10/19/2012
Sorry I didn't check this out sooner, but I haven't had my computer with me for a few weeks, so I only just now checked my pm box, lol...
I honestly don't know jack shit about the pokegirl universe (It's essentially a sexed up version of pokemon, right?), but I can say that I like this so far.
Naruto seems pretty much in character, and his interactions with Tora have been been pretty entertaining.
All in all, I'm looking foward to how this develops.
| lou2003us chapter 3 . 10/14/2012
| Key to Chaos chapter 3 . 10/13/2012
Dracass or Dronza(let's see him work his friendship ability on that lol), Nogitsune, Grandelf, Ice Maiden/Princess, Lady Luck, and Rooder. Also, with all Tora's losses, maybe have her turn into a white tigress?
Now for the chapter, hope you can eventually explain how Naruto ended up there and where mr. fuzzy is. Looking forward to how you portray Naruto when he finds out what taming is. Hope you keep updating, god knows i'm annoyed at how many barely started stories authors gave up on. It's the reason i respect the author Infernal Maelstrom, his story might have off points but at least he finished it lol.
| Soulbow109 chapter 3 . 10/9/2012
Awesome story so far especially love the ending of chapter 3, very touching. Can't wait for the next chapter. As for pokegirls to add to the harem. I vote for Slicer, Elf, Archangel, Milotit, and Draco. He can get the Archangel and Milotit in their pre-evolved forms of course when he first gets them.
| FenrirCrinos chapter 3 . 10/4/2012
oh men... i like the action and battle scenes, but you also have a proper tears in a correct ways
plz continue :D