|Reviews for What Does She See In Me?|
| Harmony Valenka Smith chapter 1 . 8/18/2014
I thought this story was pretty well laid out and good.
There are a few things I'd like to point out though: Sometimes characters will speak for more than one sentence. As such, when a phrase comes to a suitable end, add a period. Also, there are always commas after "Yes," "No," or "Oh" when they begin the phrase. Example: "Yes, I think I'd like that very much." You might also want to think about how the characters are speaking in your mind. Sometimes, a phrase can start as a question, but end as a statement and needs to be punctuated as such. Example: "How could I have known? You're always so secretive." When "but" is in the middle of a phrase, it needs a comma before it. Example: "I know this has to work, but I just don't know how." See my other review for the other pointers needed. Overall, you might want to read your work before you publish it. If it's "hot off the presses," there are liable to be mistakes. A read-over is always a good thing to do to check for mistakes you might have missed.
Again, though, this was a decently laid out story. Just double-check the proper use of punctuating marks in writing ;)
| VioletErin.26 chapter 1 . 8/10/2014
Awww so cute! :D love it!
| dreamer 3097 chapter 1 . 6/13/2014
A good one
| jamming.c chapter 1 . 2/28/2014
It was good that was true love good job
| Calliecature chapter 1 . 8/16/2013
the summary has definitely got my interest, the domestic normalcy in their household was well written and you were right in writing a story that points out Roger's musings of falling shorthand to what he thinks Jessica truly deserves.
however, i think Roger got a little overboard saying "I am not good enough for Jessica and will gladly divorce her so she can finally be happy" but Roger can be honestly dramatic that those words can still be considered in-character.
this line ""I am fine but something is bothering Roger and I don't know what to do" Jessica exclaimed. Tears streaked down her face as Eddie handed her a tissue." as a reader, i'd think why is she crying immediately? it's because i was not able to read a more in-depth perspective of what she's thinking and the intensity of what she's feeling thus i was not able to sympathize.
another line ""No problem Jess", Eddie said. Later that day Roger came in to see Eddie." i maybe wrong but i think the sequencing is too short, too fast. what does eddie think after the encounter with jess? what was his thoughts that lead him to visit roger? use him to present supporting details in the story.
the challenge of portraying emotions without readers thinking they're overreacting is in every story that i too have difficulty in. the line in your fic "When Jessica heard it she burst into tears as her heart broke in to a million pieces" scratches the surface of what she felt but not her psyche. get deeper, there is more. what is she going through at that moment?
this line is good: ""No Roger I have something to tell you", Jessica said firmly. She grabbed him by the ears and gave him a rough kiss. His rabbit feet kicked the air as he began to melt. When he became a solid again Jessica began to speak again."
your ideas in this story are good, her words, their communications, however the way they are portrayed is blatant and leaves the want that there is more below the surface. get inside their heads, use their body language both initiated and reactive to build up in the emotional investment and supporting details that comes into the conclusions that your story, that you want to point out.
i also wonder why you need to describe their physical appearance in here when people who will read fanfics are the fans themselves.
i'm not the best person to point all of these out for i am also struggling with the ways of telling a story and with the emotional build-up that is vital in connecting with the reader. that is why i only give positive reviews but i saw potential in you and judging from the hundred fanfics that you wrote, you probably have improved greatly :D
| PS61521 chapter 1 . 8/3/2013
I really liked this story! The characters were like in the movie!
| Martha chapter 1 . 6/3/2013
This was adorable!
| KODfreak chapter 1 . 3/7/2013
Huh. it was cute.