|Reviews for The Other King|
| Imperator Justinian chapter 30 . 3/18/2013
Congratulations of becoming best wishfulshipping fan fic of 2012! The finale was good, although rather sad. To answer your questions, I don't think Lance was guilty, although he might have been somewhat desperate I don't think he would go to such lengths. I don't have a definite idea as who was the killer. Yes, I do think that was the point of this story. The poem was good, who was the author? I'm indifferent towards Clair and Pagan.
| PlumpysWorld chapter 27 . 2/20/2013
Noooo! H-h-how could Delia do this to me? JK Since Giovanni was a real...
Anyways great chappie and I can't believe how obsessed Lance is with Iris. It's kind of scary tehe. Like stalkers!
| Foxwolf22 chapter 30 . 2/9/2013
1. No, all he really wanted was to marry Iris.
2. Hmmmmm, not quite sure. Part of me wants to say Giovanni, but I don't really know.
4. An awesome way to end the story, but I'm sorta confused with 'My courage found the art.' But then again, most poetry is confusing, so no complaints.
| Foxwolf22 chapter 27 . 2/9/2013
MIMEY! I was not expecting that. I'd write more, but I have to finish!
| Foxwolf22 chapter 26 . 2/9/2013
"I have the most awesome wife!"
Best. Line. Ever.
| HollowKU chapter 11 . 1/31/2013
Nice chapter. Kamon is going to be a problem in Cilan and Iris' relationship.
| HollowKU chapter 10 . 1/31/2013
Yep. Cilan is the most hated one. Well, it's all part of the plot. And poor May. Anyway, good job, Chloe D
| HollowKU chapter 9 . 1/31/2013
Haha. "Bitch please!" That line made me laugh. Anyway, the story is getting more interesting, and this is a good chapter.
| Known Unknowns chapter 1 . 1/24/2013
Hello! Known Unknowns here from the review game on the WA forum.
Although I haven't been involved in the Pokemon fandom for quite a few years, I really enjoy what you're doing here with the more serious take on the game with added inspiration from another fandom. The detail is just right that I have an excellent mental picture of what's happening. My only critique is that I noticed a few misspelled words, and my only advice for that is simply to have a keener eye when editing. So, overall, nicely done!
| LittleMissMidnight chapter 30 . 1/23/2013
A wonderful sexy ending Chloe. :)
I loved the twists in this story. It kept me on edge.
The plot was wonderful, as crazy as it was, I loved it to pieces.
Chloe, your a fantastic writer and I will be looking forward to your next story. :)
| Her Royal Nonsense chapter 1 . 1/23/2013
Being for the most part, very much unfamiliar with Pokeman it took me until about half-way through this chapter to realize this was an AU. *is pretty slow*
You seem to have a sound plot and I get the sense that you know precisely where this is going - and this gives me quite a bit of confidence in your writing. For the most part, your writing is quite lovely and I did not find much in the line of SPaG.
Perhaps it is my unfamiliarity with canon, but I was a bit bogged down and overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people you throw at the reader in the first chapter. It took me a couple of re-reads to really get a sense of who is who - but this is not uncommon in anime.
Nonetheless, I still enjoyed this very much.
| Blue-Inked Frost chapter 3 . 1/22/2013
Reviewing the first few chapters:
I'm not familiar for the fandom, so I'll just review the fic for what it is. Overall, I thought that the mechanics were good and the story was readable.
In chapter 1 -
There were several grammatical errors I spotted:
"Queen Iris had broken herself out of the arranged marriage of King Lance of Johto." - should be 'the arranged marriage to Lance', because 'of Lance' implies that he arranged it rather than he was the other partner.
"everything you've done for country" - should be 'everything you've done for your/the country'.
"Their grandfathers, Drake and Drayden had been" - needs comma after 'Drayden'.
"that it as his destiny" - 'was his destiny'.
"Judge it anyway you like" - should be 'any way'."
"clinging onto Three-year old Misty" - 'three' shouldn't be capitalised, although it is good that the short number is spelt out in full.
"the red prince", "the silver prince" - usually these would be capitalised, since they're referring to specific princes. The Red Prince and the Silver Prince.
"Archduke of Viridian" - hmm, Viridian is a colour, so it may not sound like a place.
""Clair you have been ever so good to me." - needs a comma after 'Clair', since he's addressing her.
"Lance and Iris were both next in line to the throne in their respective regions, and they were both already popular all around Asia" - Since I know Pokemon is an anime, I wondered if Lance and Iris were translated names. They read oddly in the context of 'Asian monarchs' (no matter which area of Asia they are monarch over).
I have the impression that Johto and Unova are also not canonical kingdoms in the Pokemon universe, although I could be wrong, and for that reason I felt like I'd have become more absorbed in the story if there was more precise information about the kingdoms and their politics.
Also, if there's an empire, then it would tend to be ruled by an Emperor and Empress rather than King and Queen, although there are some exceptions.
Royal divorces accomplished as easily as this story portrays also seems odd, although since I do have the feeling that the story may be building up to some later subplots about the divorce being not as easy as it looks so far, you could take the oddness as a compliment of a reader being interested. In England, the case of Wallis Simpson is famous because there are rules about royalty marrying people who've had divorces. In older times, like Henry VIII's, royal divorce is a very big deal - it's not just the royal couple, it's also all their relatives, and their different countries, and any official protocol under which divorce is allowed or not allowed (eg. married my brother's wife, adultery, never consummated). For example, Henry VIII wanted to divorce Anne of Cleves and she also wanted this, but Henry needed a valid excuse or else he would be seen as deeply offending her family.
I do think it's basically an interesting situation, an uncontested divorce and the politics that follow on from that.
There was some exposition in this chapter and a lot of introduction of new names and places; I thought it could have been slowed down a little rather than throwing all the names that the reader and then moving on, giving extra detail and description to these countries and to the politics afoot in them. However, someone familiar with the fandom might feel less confused than me, and it's often good for a first chapter to be more breezy and succinct.
Finally, I felt as if all your characters sounded the same. Everyone who spoke in this chapter seemed to use relatively formal language with few contradictions, as well as similar priorities and similar tone. People in historical times spoke casually in casual settings just as we do today; it's only that our language has different conventions. You could get away with more informalities with characters speaking to each other, even though they are nobles. As well, distinct character voices always make dialogue more entertaining to read.
In chapter two -
Iris's point of view came across as simplistic to me rather than that of a sophisticated, clever queen. Th sentence structure in the opening paragraphs tended to be simplistic, and she was wholly focused on her personal relationships rather than her political responsibilities. She came across as sounding young and naive rather than the twenty-seven-year-old queen she's set up as in the previous chapter.
I thought that Cilan's sudden stuttering bashfulness seemed out of character to someone described as boastful in the previous chapter.
I won't do another grammar/spelling nitpick for this one but instead move on to chapter three.
"He had not only won an empire, but he had won her heart." - This made me think, is that going to be allowed? Iris must have relatives in her country as Queen who may object to Cilan coming in, and also, didn't the Empire only exist because of the marriage? Therefore Cilan's getting a kingdom, not an empire, and there are probably going to be many people in that kingdom who object to him.
I noticed Iris' prophetic dreams at the end of the chapter. In some ways I felt like that might be giving too much away from the rest of the story, and that it seems odd for a queen to have prophetic powers.
In chapter three-
I liked the beginning of the political plotting. Always good to see that!
"Chandlelure's flames were the only light in the room. The sheer darkness would make one feel uncomfortable." - why? It doesn't sound like people were concealing their identities with masks and low light here. It seems like Chandlelure's flames are turned down solely like Lord Xemnas et al can convince themselves they have the right atmosphere here for political plotting and are deliberately being melodramatic. If nobles can figure out a safe place to plot without watchers or eavesdroppers, then they will probably want it to have a convenient amount of light.
The fourteen characters were briefly introduced, but it's usually better not to throw too many new characters at the reader in detail at once.
This joke fell flat for me -
"Wait a minute," Roxas said. Everybody turned their head. "So if you're aiming to be king, why don't you marry whoever is next in line to the throne?"
Lord Xemnas glared at Roxas. "A clever idea, but I am not going to marry Pagan or Salem."
"His name is an anagram of mansex," Zexion whispered to Larxene and Marluxia who all laughed.
Also, one doesn't say that two people 'all' laughed.
"I think what Roxas is trying to say," Axel interrupted. Thee of them stopped laughing. "If Iris annuls Lance's marriage, then Salem and Pagan will be declared as bastards." - How could she annul his marriage when it's been consummated and if he had no prior commitments? There are a limited number of ways for marriages to be formally annulled. It comes across to me as if the story isn't aware of that, although I may be wrong.
"Then I would become king," Lord Xemnas confirmed. "That is just terrible. If I had a heart I would explode with laughter." He grinned. "I love it. But to be honest, I hold no interest in Unova or Johto. It's Kingdom Hearts that I want to be king of. And the only way we can do that is to destroy Sora. His blood is what I need for Kingdom Hearts... the heart of all hearts, wisdom and power. With Kingdom Hearts I will become more powerful than Arceus and Mew combined."
"Gentleman!" Iris announced as she burst through the door. Everyone was startled by her white dress glowing in the darkness. "Why are you all sitting in the darkness? Can't anyone turn a bloody light on around here?"
(Sorry, the way the story was phrased made me want to add that last bit on. :P) This part made me giggle, because I was unimpressed at the competence of the plotters - letting the person they're plot against just walk in and notice that the room is obviously dark just like a secret plot is taking place!
"Are you kidding me?" Demyx spat in fear. "All those people. Everybody's going to be there for the Queen's wedding. She might execute me if I mess up."
"Your cowardliness is getting on my nerves," Xenmas hissed. "Let's go before we are all beheaded."
Axel opened the door for everybody and they all left the room in single-file.
- Heh, the bumbling conspirators continued to make me laugh.
I also thought it was irresponsible and immature of Iris to throw her wedding immediately - rich and important people who are slighted by not being invited to royal weddings can make things *very* difficult for the royal couple, and in addition there are formality and witnessing requirements that must often be accomplished for a royal wedding. It's usually pretty difficult for royalty to elope.
Generally, I thought that the character voices were still not very distinct from each other in chapters two and three.
As I said, I thought that overall the story was eminently readable and set up an intriguing situation to keep the reader's attention. :) The pace of the writing is swift; it could stand to slow down a little more into description and detail and introspection, but it's generally good to have a fast-paced fic. I hope that at least some of this feedback on how I reacted to various parts is helpful!
| Foxwolf22 chapter 3 . 1/20/2013
You have combined my 3 favorite things: Pokemon, Kingdom Hearts, and 1500s England. Not only that, but The Ketchum Inheritance brought me here b/c it sounded like The Boleyn Inheritance, which I am going to read in a few days. You are amazing. YOU GO DEMYX!
| JennaJayfeather chapter 30 . 1/16/2013
Excellent final chapter, and a great story all together. :3 I enjoyed the various twists and turns in this story. I'll finish my review by answering your questions:
1. After you began to question in the text whether Lance was guilty/evil, I began to think that. It could be because of Pokemon Adventures though. XD
2. For Kamon's killer I'll have to re-read that chapter. XD; I sort of saw it as a mystery...just happened so fast ._.;
3. Yush. XD
4. While poetry isn't one of my things, I thought it was a nice finisher. :3 Gave it sort of a..regal feeling which is fitting.
5. I found that a bit weird, but whatever floats Pagan's boat I guess. XD
| Amulet Misty chapter 30 . 1/16/2013
A happy ending to the story at last. After many trials of deaths, near-deaths and actual trials we've reached the finish line.
1. I don't think Lance was completely evil...but his evil-ness definitely outweighed his good points.
2. I really don't know...I'll leave it as a mystery. It's better that way!
3. Hell yes.
4. It really suits the ending of the story. I liked it.
5. It's weird but it's a medieval story that has been crazy enough so that shouldn't be too big a deal.
I must say this is one of the most dramatic stories I've read x3 Great ending to a great fic!