Reviews for Sands of Tuchanka - REVISED
anommalcolm chapter 3 . 10/10/2013

I like this (reincarnated) human! She understands!
Lynn Kinght chapter 5 . 6/16/2013
this story is so cool can't wait for a new chap
Cybernetic Author unit 5 chapter 5 . 5/24/2013
Do more, now. This is awesome and you are a wonderful person for writing it.
amber chapter 5 . 4/25/2013
What happens next?
sandradee27 chapter 5 . 4/17/2013
heheheh i like this! the krogan kick ass! and grunt and wrex are awsum! so keep it up! much love
Cobrabolter chapter 5 . 3/31/2013
Next kthxbai.
Alpenwolf chapter 5 . 3/5/2013
I'm not the biggest fan of assault rifles myself. I usually use the (heavy) pistols and submachine guns, so I can sort of understand that xD ... though I still wonder in which time shanna landed on Tuchanka
Alpenwolf chapter 4 . 3/5/2013
Falling in love with Grunt, aren't you?
Alpenwolf chapter 3 . 3/5/2013
Hahaha, headbutting a krogan before he could even finish his sentence, very good! xD
Alpenwolf chapter 1 . 3/5/2013
'Didn't think krogans would have much use for tits or nipples. Interesting.' ... didn't think krogans would have tits at all, but we really don't know it or do we?

looks good so far
Mordinette chapter 5 . 2/18/2013
I loved the chapter! And I really like Garkun. He seems like fun. :D

I liked your description of the shooting practice!
OTT-False chapter 5 . 1/19/2013
Awesome story, a really unique self-insert that makes us take a look at life in the MEverse from a whole 'nother angle. Keep up the great work Spyke!
Meerschaum chapter 5 . 1/18/2013
Amazing! I cld SO hear you laughing in this line..."and I burst into relieved laughter..." So tight.
SanguineSky chapter 5 . 1/18/2013
Thank you so much for updating! I was hoping you'd get back to writing this fic, and am glad you've decided to continue.

I adore the perspective you go with, and how fluid the interactions between the characters are.

Loving her nickname. Pyjak...insulting, yet it's not!
sniper1250 chapter 5 . 1/16/2013
Okay, first I just want to say that I originally read this on my phone while bored at work. I wanted to review previous chapters and put in my two cents about events in your early chapters but I hate typing large amounts of text on that tiny keyboard so I figured I could live without pointing out all the cliches. However, this chapter made me realize what I believe to be the reason that your story seems to be losing steam and a possible reason, assuming a lack of real world problems, for your own lack of inspiration in the story.

It's basically that other than your character being a krogan and waking up on Tuchanka, it's virtually indistinguishable from any other self insert story with any other plot or story. It's only different if you want to get technical. For example, this is the plot of your story so far: Ordinary girl is taken from her ordinary life where she was a fan of Mass Effect and is placed on a Mass Effect universe planet where she happens to be the most beautiful and popular woman there and the most beautiful and popular boy likes her best. She is also skilled, well spoken, and gifted at whatever she tries.

If Twilight with krogan is what you are aiming for, then ignore all the rest of the advise in my review because that is more or less where you are. I'll admit that I've never read it, but I've been on the internet and I know enough of the plot points to know that your story and it share many similarities in the beginning minus the method of moving from point of origin to the place the story happens.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, since this is apparently a revised story, and assume this was written after ME2 but before ME3 came out since there was so little of known Krogan culture mentioned. But if you were going to rewrite this, you should have added some of what was learned in ME3 or at least brushed up on what little we learned from ME2. I can attribute some of this to your character forgetting about it, but some of it is major character development points to learn how krogan do things when you bring Grunt around to become an adult. It's stuff you can still do, but some of it doesn't make sense unless you say that this is after the Reapers. Which you can't really do without some editing because it would be highest on a krogan's boasting list if he was trying to impress a female.

In ME2 we learn lots of facts about krogan society, some of them implied but some if it is also expressly stated. Females and males live in separate areas for the female's safety and the only males allowed to live in female camps are ones that have not undergone the Rite yet. This is the female krogan chief's idea and Wrex thinks it's a good one which means that Urdnot's female clan is probably the most progressive place a female can be.

Females that come to the male camps bring guards and are implied to only do it so that they can introduce children to the males that may or may not have fathered them. Otherwise males visit the female camp to try to generate breeding requests, which have only been shown as a mostly one-sided ordeal. Females choose males that they would be okay having a child with and males try to impress as many females as possible. It probably involves talking to them, bringing them gifts, looking large and strong, or doing something famous like Grunt killing the thresher maw but that is just my guess. Also, some krogan wish for a different family unit than what they have, but with the genophage they have no choice but to do it this way. Also, the creator of the Blood Pack was exiled from Tuchanka for striking a female in anger so it's not like they just let any male do as he pleases with any female. Though after the Blood Pack made him rich he did return and start up his own clan or something like that.

In ME3, we learn some more about Krogan Culture. Females usually keep their personal fertility a secret and use infertile females as decoys to keep the fertile ones safe. It's probably why the female Urdnot chief separated the females and male since it's easier to hide who is fertile when you won't tell who gave birth to the children or who their fathers are. Most females don't see themselves as members of a single clan but rather as one of many krogan and strive to better all krogan instead of just their own clans.

The rush of facts was just to show you that this story could be a lot more interesting to everyone if it was less girl meets boy then they make-out and more dimension traveler sees new aspects of an interesting culture struggling and failing to adapt to a series of culture shifting events(nuclear war, uplift, Rachni wars, Krogan Rebellion, Genophage). There's a lot you can do with all this if you step away from the "strong, beautiful, angry girl makes mean, old universe change it's ways for her then makes out with handsome guy" format you have going here. Krogan women are not really supposed to be super gung ho fighters like the reckless males, they prefer to think and talk about their issues. That's not to say they don't blood rage like males, but they probably prefer not to. Maybe if you started before Wrex came back and went about how terrible it is for a female or when he first separated the genders it would allow for a more interesting story and give more depth to your characters.

That's what I think at least, you don't have to take my advice but if you have no inspiration it might be because there isn't really a conflict to resolve so you should move the story to a more conflicted period of time. Unless you count leaving Tuchanka as a female krogan your conflict, which is really not that smart an idea since the Blood Pack and other wandering krogan males probably aren't as chivalrous as Wrex is.
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