|Reviews for if they were normal|
| iizninja chapter 1 . 10/1/2012
(Long review ahead. :D Probably because I can't shut up.)
Well, I'll give you this. Your summary was deffinatley daring. To say that YOUR version of Puck and Sabrina is better than Michael Buckley's definatley caught my interest. It felt like you had just said something scandolous, my eyebrows hiked themselves near my hair line. And for a new person to say that? You've got guts, my friend. Some thick, gummy, sturdy guts. :D I respect that.
The chapters are short, that breaks my heart, and your summary should REALLY be spell checked. :) Just a few missing capitals and punctuation marks. Other than that, the summary looks good.
The chapters are, I'm sorry to say, only a PARAGRAPH or two long. I'm only harping on this because you're writing is GOOD. I need more because you've whet my appitite and you DON'T wanna see me when I'm hungry. :D
Then… (well… okay, if I'm sounding mean I just wanna say clarify that that is NOT my intention. You've got some serious skills over here, I just wanna make sure you know how to use them a little better :D)
The last line of chapter one is… really anticlimactic.
"I'm going to be fine, but Puck needs to be taken back to his family because he might die."
As a reader I'm going, "Wait, what?" I mean, Sabrina, as a narrator, is horribly nonchalant about that. It's like if I said, "I saw this really stupid show on T.V yesterday, and then my sister died in my arms," Then walked away. I get cliff hangers, but that's not even cliffy. I'm not gasping in panic like I should be because I'm still staring at the sentence, questioning its existence and wondering if it's a typo or not.
Even Sabrina doesn't seem worried. Guilty, yes, but guilt is a selfish emotion and doesn't coax empathy from a reader. People feel guilty because they think they could've stopped or prevented something, and guilt is only provoked when one's choices hurt someone else. If Puck hadn't gotten hurt, she wouldn't feel remorseful for her actions -wrong or not. Now that Puck IS hurt, however, she feels guilty. It's not that her ATTITUDE changed, just the consequences. Nah, guilt doesn't cut it. I need FEAR *insert maniacal laugh here*.
Then, you narrated this fantastic scene to me. You gave me a dynamic story line, a freakin' KNIFE FIGHT, but instead of letting me live it you TOLD me what happened. That's kind of a let down, my friend. It's like saying, "Oh yeah, I met Johnny Depp and took a picture with him, got his autograph, and stayed at his house. It was fun. Hey, did you do the homework last night?" That just doesn't cut it. I hate gossip in real life, but this is fiction. Give me ALL the gossip; I need deets. Writing is a lot like third grade "Show and Tell" except that as a writer you aren't supposed to TELL me anything. SHOW me what happened, SHOW me why the character feels what they feel, SHOW me how to feel it too -but don't just tell me. I wanna know EVERY LIVING DETAIL about that fight (Heck, I want to know the dead details too).
I want to see Puck spring into action to protect Sabrina because he KNOWS Toby isn't playing around, because he knows that Toby has a KNIFE and he's not afraid to use it.
I want to know who this "Toby" is, I need to know enough to hate him with every fiber of my being.
I want to see Sabrina be filled with a drive she can't quite explain as Puck falls down, crimson blood blooming a crude flower from the knife that protrudes out of his hoodie-clad chest.
I want to see the look in Puck's startling green eyes as he gasps for breath but it just. wont. come.
And I want to see Sabrina grabbing at Puck's stained hands as fear clutches her chest relentlessly, as her tears mingle with the blood that's flowing far too freely from his wound.
I want to know EVERYTHING, grim or not (pun intended :P), but all you gave me was a deep gash on the hand. Even then, you didn't even describe the PAIN.
Is it the dull throb of torn muscle, mingling with the fading medication from the hospital and exhaustion that exasperates her patience into to a frail line?
Is it a searing pain made worse by the way her fists clench at the memory of Puck's scream as the knife broke into his skin?
Or is she numb to it all because this whole thing is her fault and she shouldn't have TRIED to go at Toby alone, because she should've put her pride aside so Puck wouldn't have to save her?
I don't know, but I REALLY want to. I really want you to tell me. (And by that, I mean I want you to show me. Haha! Getting confusing yet?)
If I sound like I'm being hard on you, it's because you've set up this AMAZING opening scene, and I do mean AMAZING -like, it could've been the hottest thing of the century -but you didn't let it live. Then, in chapter two, you did the same thing. Maybe you're thinking, "What's the big deal? Seriously? Chill out, I'm writing this for fun!" Well *sniffles* your story premise was too gosh darn good for me to leave it alone. I'm a nerd, though, so this stuff IS fun for me.
Still, this story is definitely going places and I can't wait for more! I hope I haven't said anything to discourage you. :D You can message me back and tell me how much you hate my opinions and where I can take them if you'd like, I just wanna offer any help I can. So if you have any questions, then message me. That's why I'm here! It may sound cliche but this story has SERIOUS potential. My mind is reeling with possibilities, and I can't wait to see what you do.
…And now I REALLY want to write a knife fight scene… :) But I'll leave that up to you.
PEACE! God Bless! iizninja
| Sabrina Proffitt chapter 1 . 10/1/2012
Hey, its good so far. But, ya know.. it would be nice if you changed the name.. since.. I made that up same with the idea of the story.
| this.girl.the.crazy.one chapter 1 . 10/1/2012
MORE CHAPTERS POR FAVOR(means please ;))