|Reviews for Children of the Other Place|
| Fan Llama chapter 4 . 9/27/2013
This I so great, please update soon,
PS. I mean really
| MaiWishes chapter 3 . 7/20/2013
Next time just wait till you are ready before posting a story
| Fan Llama chapter 3 . 7/9/2013
Brother: What do you need! Food?
Me: Need... More of this book... (gasp) (flop flop)
Brother: Quickly write more! We need a life support team! Quickly we don't have much time!
| Perenutet chapter 2 . 5/11/2013
Dang it...why did I just put the first paragraph of the 2nd chapter...?
| MaiWishes chapter 1 . 4/3/2013
Remove the chapter breaks, make it all one chapter, its odd this way. Also, break up the chapters, especially when you have a new person speak.
For Example, 'chapter 5' should look like this:
Kitty was speechless. She opened and closed her mouth like a fish, but no words came out. Yet, her heart told her that she had indeed heard right- she was being given the choice to become a spirit, like Bartimaeus.
"It's a secret that we spirits have kept for a long time", Bartimaeus mumbled when Kitty still could not find the words to speak. "I can make you a djinn of the same level as me- our lives aren't that bad, except when rotten magicians start enslaving you, that is." He smiled. "What do you choose, Kitty?"
Kitty opened her mouth to speak, but all that came out was, "I…uh, well..." She took a deep breath. "How can I? I never really felt like I belonged, but, I mean, this is my home, where I lived all this time. And my memories…"
"Don't worry about that- you'll get to keep your memories." Bartimaeus explained. "As for your home, well, I know that you aren't that fond of the 'chaotic' Other Place, but it isn't that bad once you're a djinn." The spirit cast his eyes nervously around. "Choose quickly, Kitty- it's almost dawn."
Kitty closed her eyes and stood up, and the first warm, golden rays of the gently kissed her skin. Inside, she felt as if she were being torn apart- one half of her wanted to run away from all the madness, but another part hesitantly accepted and gave in to Bartimaeus' request. And although her mind screamed at her to stop, Kitty's mouth opened and, as if on their own accord, her lips formed the words,
"Bartimaeus… I choose to come with you." With that, Kitty tilted her head back to catch a last glimpse of the pale blue sky streaked with pink clouds, said a silent farewell to her home for nineteen long years… Then she took Bartimaeus' hand, and together they stepped forward, rid of the bonds of the Earth… whisked away forever to another world.
| MaiWishes chapter 2 . 4/3/2013
It could be good, but you don't have a very good update schedule
| Darkerose chapter 2 . 3/23/2013
This was great! I can't wait for the next update :D
| saphire chapter 1 . 10/31/2012
Great! Can't wait to see what happens next!
| Darkerose chapter 1 . 10/7/2012
For a first story it was pretty good! :)
To improve your story start a new paragraph every time a new person speaks, this way it doesn't become confusing for the reader.
The plot looked really interesting and I can't wait for an update!
| Bartifan101 chapter 1 . 10/1/2012
Not bad for a first try, I think.
Okay, first things first. This would look a lot better if it didn't seem like a wall of text. Also, you don't have to start a new chapter every paragraph or every time you switch to a different character's POV.
"When Kitty summons Bartimaeus, what she doesn't accept is the offer to become a djinn, a spirit whose home is in the Other Place. But, will Kitty accept this strange offer? And if she does, then what would she have to give up?" Wait... You said that she didn't accept the offer. Did you mean that she didn't expect it?
So Kitty had to have the candles for it to work? I thought they were for protection, but okay.
"No'groso the mighty" N'gorso, not No'groso.
"With that, the djinn stepped from his pentacle and into her own." How was he able to do that?
"A soft, warm, breeze" You don't need a comma after warm.
"Choose quickly, Kitty- it's almost dawn." What? Who said it had to be done before dawn?
This is pretty good for your first fic! Keep up the good work!
| Perenutet chapter 1 . 10/2/2012
Hi viewers, thanks for looking at my fan fiction. This my first fan fiction and I'm one of the youngest people on this website, so it might not be that good. ( the ' Epilogue' title is wrong. It used to be an epilouge and I changed it into a fan fic, so just ignore that). Enjoy! :)