Reviews for Erin
Heather chapter 8 . 6/18/2004
Very well written, although Erin was a bit Mary-Sue-ish. Interesting though. I give it three out of five stars.
Carrot Glace1 chapter 8 . 6/10/2004
All I did was mearly skim the chapters.

Remus should be with a whiney prep like you.

Now I'm going to go burst into a flame now thank you for sending me to my own death you mary sue from hell. .

Nihao!
Gaz chapter 3 . 6/10/2004
OMG! As soon as I saw the pink Writeing I stoped and screamed. Tell me you must be the Supreme ruler of the MARY SUE CULT right? tell Me I Am if I was on the Mary Sue murered team you be of been dead along time ago! WHY HAVE YOU DAMGAGED FANFICTION WITH YOUR VILE EVIL WAYS YOU UTTER TRASH THROW AWAY THYSLEF! AH! *runsaway*
EruannaLuinil chapter 8 . 4/30/2004
Ahem. Remus deserves much, much better than her, and I'm happy that he's better off. I honestly could not find it in me to feel sorry for Erin. I'll assume that this is your first crack at fanfiction, because it was honestly quite amateurish. I can't give you any constructive crit for this fic, so I'll just dish out some advice for the future.
1) Pink font is an eyesore, especially on a computer screen. I'll second Elve on that one.
2) Mary-Sues are painful to read. To make your characters more believable and well-rounded, give them lots of human flaws and quirks, such as shyness, loudness, fear of reptiles, disorganization, etc. Even badly-written fics can be saved by good characterization.
3) Keep canon(stuff from the original series) characters in character at all times. There's nothing more annoying than when a canon character such as Remus begins to act differently than is portrayed in the books. If you can't help but twist them, don't use them. Messing with JK's characterization is not cool.
4) Keep your dialogue reasonably simple. Long, dramatic monologues get dull and melodramatic after a few lines, unless written by a pro such as JK. Dialogue between two or more characters with shorter sentences and more speaking between the people helps a lot in this respect.
5) This goes with the Mary-Sue thing; keep emotions reasonable. Most people don't want to marry after the first kiss, and most don't divorce after one major trauma.
6) Last, and most important, grammar and spelling dictate the reader's interpretation of your intelligence and credibility. There are many awkward sentences in your fic, making it hard to follow. Bad grammar can destroy even the best-written fic; please make me believe that you can do better than this as far as the mechanics of the English language are concerned.
This is not a flame. It is simply a list of criticisms to hopefully help you improve your writing skills.
Elve chapter 4 . 4/23/2004
What you COULD do is make Erin MUCH less emotional and MUCH less shallow. She reminds me of a poorly written Cho Chang. I hate Cho. She is a PMSing, poor excuse for a human being.
Erin didn't want to have sex with Lucius but allegedly loved him. She's a model so it's not that she's embarrassed about her body. Generally if you love someone, you are okay about doing this even if you decide not to. *gasp* Maybe, if she was real, she DIDN'T love him! What a revelation.
THEN she turns suicidal, but, just as quickly as she got depressed, she suddenly decides to go do something else. How indecisive. She must not have seriously wanted to kill herself either.
You call yourself the Queen of All Things Harry Potter? What a disgrace. A real fan would know Remus is way too OUT OF CHARACTER. Erin is a MARY SUE.
Do you even know what a Mary Sue is? Now I have to EDUCATE you or you'll go around humiliating yourself. Whee. It's a way too talented, beautiful, perfectly perfect female character. Maybe all your fans who have heard about you and your "genius" on Fictionpress will learn a thing or two from this review as well.
A model does not stuff her face with pumpkim cookies. Ew. No healthy person eats that much. Do you promote binge-eating?
Why didn't she recognize Remus the Weirdo out the window in the first place? Why does she only "love" him when he's outside but not in class? Is she blind? She didn't recognize him for a really long time. If it's his personality she hates, why did she love "The Boy Out The Window"? And don't you mean OUTSIDE the window? Why did she HATE him? The REAL Remus is not to be hated. Why does he only buy her stuff and not DATE her? Maybe he feels bad for her because she is such a Mary Sue and pretends to like her. That is a weak, pathetic relationship.
I am ashamed of you. Perhaps I am the only reviewer who has enough nerve to tell you the truth (and based on what I've read in your reviews, I am). The truth is: This story is terrible and needs to go. I find this story so pathetic I will stop reading now.
Elve chapter 3 . 4/23/2004
*Shudder* PINK? What an eyesore. Remus isn't such a "psyco" as you put it. And now she's in love AGAIN! She is the biggest Mary Sue I have ever heard of. "Peace, parenthesis, and popcorn?" What's that about? Why doesn't she report Lucius for sexual assault? She's such a ditz. Her friend was a little mean to her, too. That MUST mean this is the end of the world. Tear.
Elve chapter 2 . 4/23/2004
Uh, she made out with him ONCE? Now she's suicidal? Good riddance, I say. This is so typical of girls like that. Why does she love Lucius if he's a jerk in the first place? Why is she so shallow? And why does she tell her friend to look out the window? Does she WANT her friend to see her broken corpse? That would make her fragile little friend go insane. It would make for a good horror story if Erin's relationship was DEEPER with a quality boyfriend, but sadly, it's not. No one is in love after making out once. If he asks her to meet him in the BATHROOM, what does she THINK he wants? To talk about the meaning of life?
Elve chapter 1 . 4/23/2004
Wow. This really is... there is no word for it. I am offended. What a Mary Sue. This Erin is really quite spoiled. She thinks she can get anyone she wants? Who would want to go near such a brat? You had better not let her get NEAR any of the Marauders. They are way too good for her. She is an insult to all Irish people. Why must she be named Erin? I know it is Irish but not all Irish girls are named Erin. Her friend's name is Karen? Rhyming names are incredibly cheesy. Erin's a model. How convenient. AND WHERE IS THE PLOT? I would get someone honest to proofread for you before you bother putting this sort of thing online where unsuspecting readers can see it.
LillyAnna chapter 8 . 7/4/2003
Heather, this is Brianna from Keith's party. I have at least one thing to say after i reah this...

HOW HORRIBLE!HOW COULD SHE DO THAT! THAT IS PURELY AWFUL!UGH!HOW UPSET THAT MAKES ME!AH!

I'm over it now. I am going to read "Child Of Erin", hoping it will have a happier ending, if not, that's ok!
Nettey Potter chapter 8 . 7/1/2001
ahhhhhahhhhhhh ahhhhhhh ahhhhh! you made...! ahhhhhhh i cant talk that was such a gooooooooooood ending LOL
Rose-Bud chapter 8 . 4/3/2001
Seamus? Not bad. ) And I *love* Irish people, so I found this very interesting. The Irish mythology is so cool! Anyway, the story is really, really, nice. Even if I *hate* sad endings! They are just so darn...sad. Yeah. Remind me never to end one of my stories with anything but a happy ending. Well, actually, my fic already has a sad ending planned. As sad as a Baby-sitters fic could be. DON'T TELL MY READERS! ) Once again, really neat story. )
Joseph Pants chapter 12 . 1/4/2001
Excellent! Very dramatic. Like Dawson's Creek, only without all the sex and the fact that it's not a piece of gay, stupid crap. It's quite good, in fact. I found a few errors, but not many. Doctor Pants gives this chapter two-hundren five thumbs up. Keep up the good work, Heather.
Firecross the Not Signed In chapter 15 . 1/3/2001
AAAH! I did NOT see that one coming. Why don't you just rip Remus's heart out, throw it on the floor, and perform Riverdance on the thing in a pair of baseball cleats? Erin, NO! You don't understand! When he's a werewolf he can't... he can't... he doesn't KNOW what he's doing! He can't control it! Oh please, please, forgive him! He wasn't lying, he was just afraid you'd reject him if you found out! And he was RIGHT to be afraid, wasn't he? Oh Erin, understand! Please! Have some compassion! *sob* I have to go cry now. Uh, and read "Child of Erin."
Firecross the Not Signed In chapter 14 . 1/3/2001
*trying not to giggle* Why am I such an amazing sucker for this fic? Probably because it has Remus involved with a girl who has my name... but still! I must have missed that her last name was Finnigan, else just forgot it. That fits too... I have quite a bit of Scottish background. Very cute, Heather, and I'm off to chapter 8.
Doctor Pants chapter 11 . 1/3/2001
Excellent, but I'm wondering if J. would use this material in her books. It just seems a little adult, especially in chapter 2, then in this chapter with the PMS remark. I give this chapter eighty-four thumbs up. Also, it was too predictable, with Reemus. That was an awful sudden change of heart. The spelling and grammar was MUCH better here; I only found one mistake. Use more creative words: You could say: She especially liked the Barty Bock's Every Flavor Beans... or something like that. Standard material found in the Harry Potter books. Keep up the good work.
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