|Reviews for Shadow of the Colossus: The Sorrowful Tale of Wander and Mono|
| Dorminchu chapter 6 . 5/29/2016
Finally, some exposition! And a sex scene, okay, whyever not. The pacing is steady throughout this instalment, and in particular I really appreciate how you address Wander & Mono's relationship. Very innocent and nervous, as they should be!
As for the sex, it reminds me of the little I've gleaned from George R. Martin. Which is a good thing, I think. Not overly descriptive, nothing too cheesy or unnecessary, just the elements that matter; chiefly, the inexperience of both parties. Nicely done!
Emon is still creepy as hell, though. I mean, he basically married the two off to each other, talk about planning someone's life ahead! Eager to see where you go next.
| Dorminchu chapter 5 . 5/29/2016
Oh snap, that was fast.
The part that bugs me is their past. Are you referencing ICO? Does Mono know something that Wander doesn't? Does Wander understand the full extent of his friendship with Mono? I like her ambiguity a lot, to be honest. I also like Mono's foreboding line about never growing old.
As for grammatical errors, there are a few. But only a few, so don't worry!
"I know," Wander interrupted, just as he saw a tear slide down her cheek, - comma should be a period. "Mono, I –" she turning (turned?) around to face him once again. Slowly she came over to him and took his hand, - period "It's all right, I don't want to stand here dissecting the past, all that matters is the here and now." I don't want us to be of that time again, (consider sacrificing comma for period, just to help the flow of the thought) it's been so many years since then, she thought to herself, wanting to keep their childhood friendship in the past.
'Alright' should probably be 'All right' for the sake of the era.
All in all, this is exceeding my expectations in a good way! Last chapter should be interesting.
| Dorminchu chapter 4 . 5/29/2016
Whoa! So Wander and Mono are quite literally assigned to one another. Intriguing. Nice to see how they're both kind of scared, because you know, they're strangers and everything. I like how the rushed aspect of the piece is used for the sake of the tone, if you will. Emon's amusement was super creepy, to be honest, given where I think this story is headed and in consideration of the M rating.
If I were to offer my advice, well, it sounds a little redundant now, but consider committing time to Wander & Mono so they can get to know one another. I think you've got this covered, though.
Good show, let's see what else you've got in store.
| Dorminchu chapter 3 . 5/29/2016
Gaah, the imagery is awesome! Man, I was a little worried about the pacing, but this story seems to become very straightforward and cleaner as the chapters progress. That doesn't mean I'll go easy on you, of course! :D
For example, there's a small error here:
"I meant no harm," said Wander, "I came with Lord Emon," the girl nodded in understanding, then turned back to face the lake.
This should be more like: "I meant no harm," said Wander. "I came with Lord Emon." The girl nodded in understanding, then turned back to face the lake.
Later, you have a similar issue:
"How came you here," the girl said suddenly, almost making Wander jump.
Consider changing 'said' to 'asked' or 'demanded', and add a question mark to further demonstrate that Mono is interrogating Wander.
"I see," she said, turning her back to the lake, - (this comma should be a period) "I must go, or the Head Priestess will punish me."
And one final example:
"What is your name?" there was a faint glimpse of warmth in those gray eyes. (The word 'there' should be capitalized, as it's the start of the sentence.)
Besides those errors, however, I think you're doing very well indeed, especially by (at last) expounding upon Wander and Mono! I'm excited to read more.
| Dorminchu chapter 2 . 5/29/2016
This review is more of a stream-of-consciousness. Hope you don't mind.
You have a good eye for prose, I must say. That sticks out to me. You also do well to stick to the proper tense (past, not present) and that's a common mistake I've seen before, so another well-done to you!
I really like the idea of the story and how you're executing it, but again, don't be afraid to slow down and let the reader take it all in. A blistering pace is good, but it also feels kind of rushed, you know what I mean? In some ways, though, this is kind of welcome. You don't drag out the proceedings, merely inform the reader and move on. It's detailed enough without seeming vague, but treading the line, all the same. Like I said before, put some meat on those expositional bones! How does Wander feel about being dragged into this mess of religious sacrifice/tomfoolery? I like how you hint at this, but don't meander.
As a closing note, your dialogue seems natural and fluid. Huge props for that!
| Dorminchu chapter 1 . 5/28/2016
You asked for constructive criticism, and that is what you shall receive! Given that this is your prologue, I feel it could use a little more meat on the expositional bones. Has Dormin always required a human sacrifice? Was there a progression from livestock to human flesh? Did Emon have to work in order to win the trust of the people? I feel that this could be really interesting if you took us through the trials and tribulations of the afflicted village under Dormin's reign, because you seem to have a plan as to where this is all going. This is a good start!
| Bridgy chapter 6 . 9/16/2015
oh my...*flushes red* Oh my. I was not expecting that.
It was all well written. Good Job!
| Bridgy chapter 5 . 9/16/2015
Impressive. I like where this is going.
| Bridgy chapter 3 . 9/16/2015
Aww How cute!
| afezelia chapter 5 . 3/27/2013
Do I sense a hint of ICO symbolism? I look forward to reading more!
| afezelia chapter 1 . 3/27/2013
Interesting, well written prologue! I look forward to reading the rest!
| xxEscapethestars chapter 5 . 11/20/2012
Beautiful chapter it made me tear up at the end :) please continue
| Sierra Arcanum chapter 5 . 11/20/2012
Whoa, so they knew each other early?
Hmm... That is indeed interesting.
The chapter was simple, but pretty. I'm sure it helped develop their relationship once more, but It also lead towards the tragedy, because the closer they get, it's another step to the events of the game.
Still, I hope to see their beuatiful moments togheter before the tragedy happens. Keep up with the good Job!
| Sierra Arcanum chapter 4 . 11/17/2012
This story is really interesting! I am truly liking the way you're picturing the events before the game, I want to see what happens next. Good Job!
| xxEscapethestars chapter 4 . 11/7/2012
Wow your writing is beautiful everything flows so nicely! I'm eager for the next chapters!