|Reviews for What happens in Esthar|
| x Euphoria chapter 25 . 5/26
I read this chapter before you took it down the first time. I enjoyed the first version but I can see the 'problem' with it and I am glad you took the time to revise this chapter.
You kept all the really great parts of the original and honestly you made everything flow really well and it turned out more natural :). Great job!
| Asahar4 chapter 25 . 5/25
so you did upload this chapter previously, kinda thought the mail alert i receive for the update was a bug. Anyway i don't know how you write it previously, but from what I can read on this one, the story is well paced, logical and left me wondering how will you proceed with the next chapter which means this is a good chapter... Anyway, I hope you will show a scene where squall have a big blowout with someone (Gen Caraway, maybe) with members of seed backing him before you ended this story
| Meadow Dweller chapter 25 . 5/25
Girl, you write long chapters, so you gon' get a long review, lol!
First things first: if Emerald-Latias' review is anything to go by, I think this chapter is a vast improvement to the one you removed. Love ya for listening to her!
However, this line had me putting my foot down:
"The necklace had indeed attracted alot of attention, with a few bold souls even approaching him to ask about it."
-the few and far between spelling and grammar mistakes in each of your loooooong chapters make me ask you to please consider getting a beta. You've once told me you prefer to do things on your own, but getting a proofreader would make us readers' reading experience smoother and a bit more pleasurable if your chapters didn't have these mistakes. If you have one already, then consider getting one more, lol!
As for the scene before that, the way Caraway grabbed Rinoa, and considering how independent she is, and the lack of esteem she has for Caraway made me wish for more resistance on Rinoa's part as her "father" dragged her away. Sure, they needed their privacy for the story to move on, but these three points makes her docile behavior in the grab scene a bit inconsistent with her character. How she would've followed him out of the ballroom willingly otherwise is beyond me, though. Sorry!
Can you explain this paragraph to me, please? It's when Squall is circling the ballroom and checking out the cliques;
"Caraway had that same air. He'd obviously never been a run of the mill grunt, early in his career. Squall knew this for a fact; the general had been forthright enough about his past in the Military Intelligence section of Special Branch."
[When Rinoa was dancing with her father:] "Her father truly was a very good dancer. It made Rinoa wonder why he didn't dance with more women than just her." Rinoa isn't complimenting Caraway, is she? At first blush, it sure sounds like it! But she's probably wanting him to leave her alone in this line. If she is complimenting him, then I argue that it's inconsistent with her character. Compliments thrown at each other by these two just seems awkward, you know? Even when he says," You look nice and your necklace is beautiful," (you, of course, make Caraway sound more eloquent,) he sounds suspect. Gr. That man! To reiterate, the compliments read as awkward to me, therefore I tried to find some hidden meanings. For Rinoa, is was "leave me alone," and for Caraway...shite, why mention the diamond? I don't get it. Help?
Nonetheless, Ronin, you are beautifully AMAZING!
OMFEEEE I love the way you had Caraway describe SeeDs! It was such a delight to read. Such a description would usually be boring, but you somehow brought it to life, made it effervescent. And the dog anecdote before Irvine escorts Squall away from Caraway, gotta love. Your writing is awesome!
I also really like how during the end of the proposal scene, Squall was on one level (I had something ridiculously romantic in mind with lots of flowers) while Rinoa was on another (Yes, oh Gods, yes!) That was so damn cute, these two made me giggle. You definitely brought realism and originality to this scene. Muaw! Brava, girl!
0.0 christ on a cracker. They're engaged. Fireworks in their bedroom tonight!
Keep up the beautiful work, Ronin, you mad woman.
| RavennaAngelline chapter 25 . 5/25
I enjoyed this chapter, even if you think it wasn't quite ready. I thought Caraway trying to warn Squall away from Rinoa seemed to be exactly the sort of thing he would do. After all, Rinoa is his precious baby, and even when she's all grown up, he would want to try and "protect" her.
The proposal scene was adorable in it's awkwardness. I LOVE this story!
| h34rt1lly chapter 25 . 5/25
Eeeeeeeek, this totally anger fueled, botched up proposal is so Squall. I still can't fathom how you have these two down pat. But it's perfect. Also, Caraway is such a douche, lol.
I'm sad that this story is coming to a conclusion. It's been such a long journey D:
| Ao Sekai chapter 25 . 5/25
amazing chapter for me and you didn't make us wait for a long time for them to sort things out and get back together (and hey! this is fanfiction and not teleseryes) and I love Squall telling how he feels; he is very ethical on how asking a girl out for a marriage by not doing rush things. And Rinoa, I think she should confront her father on threatening her boyfriend for she is anyway feels safe and comfortable with Squall.
| Sir.Rayvenwolf chapter 25 . 5/24
I'm just going to say yes this was better after being revised even though I never saw the original. Anyway I really like this story and how you've been continuing it unlike most of the other stories here (a good chunk of the ones I like that aren't completed haven't been updated in at least a year and a half). Please keep up the good work.
| Leonhart77 chapter 24 . 5/18
i was going to read the next chapter but it didn't show up for some reason
| Emerald-Latias chapter 25 . 5/17
To be honest, you had a great start to this chapter but everything after taht was contrived and, as much as I am not one for the Twilight-esque stare-offs, completely out of what was established characterization.
Enamored with her I get, yes, but pulling a jealous streak a mile wide before getting her a chance to speak? That is not like him at all. And I'm not too impressed by the suddenly younger sibling of dead fiance appearing and in love with her? It strikes me as lazy and a cop out. Her talk with Caraway would have been enough for her to politely consider a question she had never considered to ask before.
And c'mon on - Rinoa getting jealous at Senator Raunchy when she otherwise doesn't care about his past couldn't put two and two together? I don't buy it for one second. All he had to do was confirm that and say he wasn't interested in taking her on again and it would have been over with. Or it would have opened up a dialogue about his past creeping into their lives. This...I just find stilted and forced. The only one who felt like a normal human being with normal reactions was Caraway. I wish I could be more positive but I just can't.
| kayla chapter 24 . 5/8
I completely approve of the skip. Ive been itching to know what you had planned. Waiting eagerly for more
| Asahar4 chapter 24 . 4/30
Got an update? Pretty please...
| x Euphoria chapter 24 . 4/6
YESSS I'm so happy you jumped a bit in time. :) Squall is so in love with Riona it's so adorable. They are perfect for each other 3
I thought Irene Cassel was going to be one of Squall's clients but having the senator as one is even more juicier!
"So you're Rinoa's boyfriend?" Are you fucking my daughter?
"Yes." Yes I am. Deal with it. - loved these two lines their whole conversation together was great :). Great chapter thanks !
| Emerald-Latias chapter 24 . 4/5
Oh ho ho. Now we're talking!
Though I have to admit that the first half was a little too full with declarations of 'yoooou're so handsome/pretty/beautiful' (seriously, I think it can go without saying at this point that they appreciate each others' appearance - please don't get into Twilight territory here) the latter half did not disappoint with the verbal sparing match between Caraway and Squall and Senator Raunchier-Version-of-Maude-McKay.
I was not anticipating that kind of angle, but it's nice to see that his past is showing consequences to raise some kind of stakes. Or at least raise the awkward level. Hoo boy, if there was the possibility of Caraway ever finding out about that, I would be reading this through my fingers. (Never mind throwing in the other lump in Squall's jacket to the fold. I might as well get the popcorn ready and train myself to eat it while shielding my eyes.) Though I think that having Rinoa wear the diamonds may come around to kick Squall in the butt (more so than Caraway commenting on it) later and make for a legit reason for Senator Raunchy to pry in his business.
As an aside, I love that they're so on the same page insofar as not keeping the diamond. I've never really read a situation like that before in fic. Twas interesting/amusing.
| RavennaAngelline chapter 24 . 4/4
Yay! I really wish I could see what this necklace looks like, but I'm imagining something ridiculously ostentatious and glorious.
I can hardly wait to see what Squall has in mind with his little black box.
Senator Saranoff sounds sleazy! Yick!
| Guest chapter 23 . 4/1
I miss your story :(
When can we read you again ?