|Reviews for I shouldn't have let you go|
| overninethousand chapter 1 . 11/21/2013
sesshomaruandrinfaq . blogspot . com
sesshomaruandkagurafaq . blogspot . com
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/28/2013
Interesting. Hope to read more.
| Guest chapter 1 . 10/11/2012
| karra chapter 1 . 10/8/2012
| InquireTheOrigin chapter 1 . 10/7/2012
Well, I was able to read most of what you have and I must say that it leaves me with two questions.
1. Are you familiar with Fan Fiction? Meaning, is this your first encounter with the website. If not, then this is completely understandable. Yet, if you are then I am still quite okay with the amount of errors and corrections that need to be looked over.
2. Do you need an honest review? If you like, I could give you some guidance on how to structure your work to make it more recognizable as a piece of literature.
If both of those answers are yes, please continue to read the following. Mind you, I'm here to help and critique. I will never flame, bash, or offend you with literature you've put time into making. I take writing very seriously and dislike those who cannot appreciate a novice at work. Although (Fallen-Angel-Not-Sent-To-Hell), if I do happen to offend you in any way I do apologize in advance for anything that might have been said. And if you find this any all helpful and would appreciate more feedback, feel free to PM me on my homepage.
Let’s continue shall we?
First, I would like to address the summary. It did grab my attention, and it doesn't need full corrections towards grammar to grab the audience attention. But, it does make a difference in how your audience will view your story before they decided to click on the title to read it. Meaning, instead of saying "This is something I just decided to post," take time into writing, so it doesn't appear rushed. It’s your idea. No matter how slow paced or how quickly you decide to post it, make sure you apply as much corrections and just as much effort to make it lengthy, thoroughly interesting, and detailed. You'd be surprise on how much of a difference it will make once you post your story (even if it is a one-shot story).
A one-shot story is basically a lengthy short story with only one page. Of course, how Fan Fiction is setup, it will appear as only Chapter 1. Then again, this also depends on if you add a title to that chapter in your edit settings. Then it will appear as your title and not chapter 1.
Secondly, I would like to go into depth about the base for your story. I noticed you rewrote the summary, added a quote from the chapter, and a brief disclaimer. If you do not know what a disclaimer is, I would not mind explaining. If you do, feel free to quickly scam to the next section of this review.
A disclaimer is denying the claim of owning a piece of work or copyright.
The beginning of this chapter is bold. This can seem aggressive and overly seeking attention. Whenever you use bold, it’s very wise not to overdo it. With you over bolding the beginning, you’re sending a strong message and it can turn off the reader almost instantly to not wanting to read your story. If you would like to say something or add a disclaimer to your readers, you should try adding what is called an Author’s Note.
An Author’s note is when an author would like to speak to their audience, without having to break in-between their story to do so. Meaning at the beginning of your story you could follow this example.
Author’s Note: Hello (Good afternoon, evening, night), this is your author (insert name here). This is something that came into mind while doing (insert activity here)…
Then you continue with whatever else you’d like to add, such as news about upcoming stories or a date to the next posting of your chapter. It could be anything you desire really. And it’s a fun, easy way to keep communication with your readers. You could also applaud people for reviewing and so on.
Lastly, I see you have a lot of problems with using punctuation's and spacing words together. The only spacing problem I see is with the dialogue and the lyrics you've implemented. I’m pretty sure in regulations somewhere, they state that you’re not allowed to use lyrics because the only thing they’re able to have rights to copyright is the (fiction) part of the categories listed on the website (which is why you’re only able to use the characters of certain categories in a fiction way). In my way of protecting you from being banned or having several (trolls) people reporting you, add your own lyrics or do not add any at all. Only describe how heartfelt the song may be, try very hard not to add lyrics. I’ve had a previous experience with this and I would suggest you not to do it, period.
Dialogue is perfect to have within a story, but you have to know where to place. Now I’m not saying don’t place it within the text, but you also have to learn how to space things out. Everything is a bit too jumbled and very hard to read.
Example: “John, go take out the trash,” It slowly dawns on me on how quickly the situation began to turn. “Now, John!” He took me by the hand and thrashed the trash against the floor. “You do it, I’m sick of your shit” In what appeared to be his chosen he stepped closer in challenging higher authority. “Pick up the bag, or so help me god…”
Of course, this isn’t an actual plot or anywhere near to how I would structure my stories, but it’s a visual to see what you’re doing wrong. It’s hard to differentiate on who’s talking and who’s doing what, right? Now here’s a revised version of that exact situation.
Example Revised: “John, go take out the trash,” It slowly dawns on me on how quickly the situation began to turn. “Now, John!” He took me by the hand and thrashed the trash against the floor.
“You do it, I’m sick of your shit.”
In what appeared to be his chosen he stepped closer in challenging higher authority.
I became agitated and confront him in defiance. “Pick up the bag, or so help me god…”
You realize the difference? Make sure to space out the dialogue and action of your characters so we know who is talking to whom and who’s trying to communicate separately from the conversation or within the conversation. Now with punctuation's, and don’t feel bad, because every great author starts this way. Then again, unless you were the type to grasp on to using punctuation's and such at an early age, then almost every author has troubles along the way. Nevertheless, I even started that way and it can be confusing on where to place them and when. To help you with this, I’ve decided to add in a text from your story.
But before I do so, I also wanted to show you how detailing works. Sometimes just piecing words together isn’t enough. There’s always adding color to a lifeless painting. And it’s very similar to writing a story with great detail and abstract information to what’s going on, why it’s going on, from who’s wearing what, and what significance it could play within the story. It creates a broad visual setting for your audience.
Example: Kagome, and Sango knocked on my door and I grabbed my jacket. I walked down the stairs, and opened my front door. Ever since my break up with Sesshomaru my friends had been begging me to go to a karaoke club with them. In all truth it wasn't exactly a karaoke club it was more of a small bar where me and my friends met for karaoke night. It was a routine or tradition in my group of friends. In all truth I love karaoke night, because I love to sing. When we go to karaoke I sing a song for whatever emotion I am feeling.
My Restructured Detail: I walked down the steps and opened the door to what appeared to be Kagome and Sango. A sudden smile seemed to creep across my lips as fond memories of karaoke came into play. I know in some sense that sounds silly, but to be honest it was breath of fresh air. I grabbed what was left of my belonging as we quickly fled my apartment. The night air was crisp, and it rained of autumn. Hues of burgundy fluttered the streets and bathed into shades of rose and ebony. It became almost a tradition—you could say—commuting to the hottest club of the nighttide. Reaching for the mic was exhilarating, but it became worth wild when my emotions left the crowd in awe. Ever since my split with Sesshomaru, it had become my only escape.
Now you see how rewording, adding a bit of a vocabulary and hinting detail added a much dramatic opening.
Sentence: Kagome, and Sango knocked on my door and I grabbed my jacket.
Correction: Kagome and Sango knocked on my door as I grabbed my jacket. (There’s no needed comma because the as is a subordinate conjunction, conjoining the two words together)
Sentence: I walked down the stairs, and opened my front door.
Correction: I walked down the stairs and opened my front door. (No need for a comma, because this is a co-ordianting conjunction and the ‘and’ is joining the two together)
Sentence: In all truth it wasn't exactly a karaoke club it was more of a small bar where me and my friends met for karaoke night.
Correction: In all honesty, it wasn't exactly a karaoke club. It was more of a small bar where my friends and I met for karaoke night.
We had a lot of corrections in that last statement. You had little trouble and created run-on sentence instead of adding a break between ‘club’ and ‘it’. There was also a problem with your wording. Instead of truth, I replaced it with ‘honesty’. Also, never refer to people in sentences as ‘me’ and ‘my’.Instead, I replaced it as ‘my friends and I’. I hope this helps with much explanation. I basically wrote this in an hour’s time span, so hopefully you received some help from it. If not, then I appreciate you going through the review regardless. If you have any comments or concerns, you’re more than welcome to contact me.
Thanks again for your time,